#goodbyes suck

that thing you saw that made you think of them, who will you share it with?

that thing sitting on your desk that you hadn't gotten around to mailing to them, what will you do with it now?

that trick or skill they taught you, that resource they shared with you, that song they played you that you still like-- they're still part of your life, but now sometimes you feel sad and angry when they come up and wonder if you have a right to them anymore.

your friend isn’t dead. somewhere, they are alive and experiencing all the joys you would have celebrated with them and the pain you would have tried to support them through. they're having a day somewhere and you're not going to ask them how it's going. you're not going to talk about it. you're not going to laugh at those inside jokes you had with only them ever again. you'll never talk to them again. you could, but you can't. you could, but you won't.

it's for the best. you wouldn't have made the choice you did if you didn't sincerely believe that. but still, this strange grief for the living.

The end of an era…

After months of conflict, DZ and I broke up. It’s now been 3 weeks and honestly - I’ve felt so broken inside (although those who saw me probably couldn’t tell just how bad it was because I tried to be strong). Today was the final clean and inspection, hence the photo of the front door as I was leaving my old unit.

I know I haven’t posted in months, partly because our issues and fighting were eating me up inside, but the inner turmoil has honestly been so heartbreaking. As much as I wanted to keep trying, pushing, compromising - the stress was too much, I was having anxiety attacks all the time around him, and I felt like the only way to break that cycle was to go our seperate ways.

Every time I think about him I feel a deep, visceral sensation of despair and longing (dramatic but accurate) for the good times. I won’t dwell on those memories for my own sake, and though they will never be erased by the bad times, I know that the best thing I can do for me now is to focus on healing myself slowly from the inside. I’ve learnt a lot about myself from this relationship.

I need to regain my inner peace, focus on loving and respecting myself wholly and truly, and ensure that I effectively “de-bond” from my past traumas. I need to not date anyone for the next few months at least to ensure that I won’t find a rebound nor break my own heart. I need to gather my thoughts, as level headed as possible, to realise what I truly need and want in a life partner (if that is in fact in the cards for me). I need to be satisfied and love myself, so that I can embrace singlehood.

To DZ: you probably won’t read this, but I will always love and care for you until the day I die, and it truly breaks my heart to think about how sad the breakup has been for you. It pains me to think that we won’t be sharing the rest of our lives together; when I think about all the conversations we had about our future I feel bereft. I know you didn’t agree that it was time to part ways but I’m thankful that you understood why it wouldn’t work, and I’m really glad we’ve been able to be civil adults about the whole thing. I only wish the absolute best for you, and although you say we shouldn’t (and won’t) be talking in the next few months at all, I hope that we won’t become complete strangers. You can always, always reach out to me whenever you need help, although I know it will feel weird from both sides. It will probably hurt me to know that someday in the future you will have moved on, but know that I truly have your best interests at heart and I will be happy for you.

tomorrow my boyfriend leaves for arizona (for college) & i wasn’t aware that tonight was our last night together.

i’m going to take a hiatus for a day or two just to try & feel better because goodbyes suck.

Confession: on the opposite side of things I had to say goodbye to someone I’ve been friends with forever because I’m leaving and won’t see her until break. I didn’t cry but on the inside it was a waterfall of tears. Endings are the worst.