Go with the flow.

- got a 20k grant for a project - my first project grant

- published my 2nd PhD paper

- been off meds for ?4 months now and hanging in there

- holiday in May all booked- Hong Kong and Vietnam - with bonus kpop concert tacked onto the end

- thankful for all the great friends who have visited in the last month (there have been many)

- still loving my apartment 6 months into living here, despite the long work commute

- seeing progress in my online trainer/weight loss journey- 5kg in 6 weeks (and hopefully more to go)

Going to Europe for the first time was a major milestone for me, although not really an accomplishment. I'd wanted for the longest time to go there but hadn't reserved enough leave or money- but this year finally bit the bullet and went to Spain for 3 weeks and had the best time ever. Next time I definitely want to check out other countries instead of just Spain, but one of the best bits was having my partner around who could speak the language and translate everything- really blessed that he could come with me, and meet my friends as well.

What have you overcome this year?

Overcame some of my stage fright and put my hand up for a short (but still exciting) solo part for a song I really like- one of the soundtracks from Frozen. Not only did I land the solo but I thought it overall went pretty well! Added bonus was that quite a few friends were around to support me and enjoy the show.

What was an unexpected joy?

Simply being settled into a routine living between two cities and finding that new balance, that sweet spot- really helped me to realise that no matter what happens everything will still work out, and learning to sit with the discomfort of change and embrace it has helped me to grow and reach further happiness.

What did you learn about yourself?

How important boundary setting is to look out for life in general. Every time I allow my boundaries to be overstepped it just leads to regret with minimal overall gain.

What do you need to let go of in the new year?

Ironically, the first thing that comes to mind is the sense of self-importance I carry at work that subconsciously drives me to work harder even though I don't need to. I'm aware that I need to maintain a certain standard of professionalism and knowledge whilst at work, but that feeling of being 'wanted' or 'needed' occasionally drives me to work harder than I actually need to- which leads to imbalance in all aspects of my life.

What do you need to create more space for?

Spending more time with myself. Definitely not allocating enough time just to slow down and check in with me and my progress on a day to day basis. It feels so good when I do it but so often find myself deprioritising self-care time leading to feeling detached and unsatisfied.

2. After literally more than a decade of following Europe photo blogs on this site, I finally get to go to Europe tomorrow! Woooo go me. We'll see if it lives up to the hype.

3. The thought of leaving choir becomes more real week after week, but I really don't think I can - it's one of the only things keeping me sane and focused outside of work right now. I'm prepared to drive back and forth to keep being part of this special group.

4. I'm the heaviest I've ever been but also am becoming more built, and surprisingly am happy with results so far! BFT has been a fun experience and I'm glad I took the plunge. Now to work focus on fat loss... Maybe after my trip.

2. Coming off my meds for the 2nd time now to see what things are like. It's been nearly a week and I feel a little unstable but who knows what will happen... Perhaps I'm just anxiously dependent on them?

3. Work seems almost all-consuming now. There are a lot of extra duties being picked up that I'm not sure I should be agreeing to, and I'm finding myself planning to go from one holiday to the next again. I still enjoy my job overall but the competing factors are really starting to get to me. Or perhaps it's the long commute that's tiring me out?

4. Despite everything I've achieved I do still go through waves of self doubt and feelings of inadequacy during meetings with others. Why can't I just back myself? Why is my brain's first instinct to hesitate? I'm so scared of looking stupid in front of others that it's almost paralyzing sometimes. Like I have something to prove.

The comfort I get from stroking his beard

The excitement I have about getting ready for bed after too much of my social energy is drained

The momentary bliss when my body hits the bedsheets and I pull my blanket over my legs

The sense of accomplishment mixed with fatigue after finishing a gym workout

The feeling of endless possibilities when my flight has just landed at your holiday destination

The headrush I get when a song I love plays in public and I haven't listened to it for a while

2. I think the stress of looming deadlines and pressure to perform is affecting me more than I'd like to. I tend to wake up with a sore jaw most mornings so I know I've been clenching my teeth through the night.

3. Hopefully my upcoming holiday will fix things? Malaysia beach resort 🌊 although I know that really it's just a temporary hold on my problems before I have to come back and address them all again...

4. I theorise that perhaps my coffee intake has increased too much and that's why I'm always on edge... Am determined to wean down slowly.

Not because I want to go back, but because I still periodically mourn for what could have been. That sense of loss still eats me up inside occasionally, although the triggers are happening a lot less frequently than they used to.

I'm in a much better place now- mentally, relationship-wise, career-wise than I was 12 months ago. But there's no doubt that all the things that happened helped me to build my character, my personality, into who I am today. I have him to thank for my way of living now, the mindset I have towards dating and being around people, and being mindful of how I inflict my attachment style onto my partner.

_

When I reflect back on my past year, I can truly say it's been one of the years where I've tried more new things than ever before - plenty of Australian holidays and road trips, music volunteering, leadership courses, pottery classes, travelling for choir, topless gay clubbing, cheese making classes, weaning off antidepressants (which didn't last very long), seeing a personal trainer, starting and hopefully making progress on PhD, the list goes on...

I can confidently I am proud of myself in how I handled life's ups and downs this year. The breakup was definitely not easy and still weighs on my mind to this day, but I keep reminding myself that no matter what happens I am here for me - and that should be all that matters. I'm grateful for the kindness and friendship others have shown me this year, and am proud not only of how I've continued to nurture and deepen important friendships, but also in how I have distanced myself from those who impact me negatively. Setting boundaries has been a big deal for me this year, and I think I've achieved a balance somewhat.

I've learnt a lot about love this year, especially in terms of matching and jarring personality traits and how to grow together despite them. I'm optimistic about how things will continue to develop in time.

I would do the cliche thing of setting resolutions, but I'm probably never going to stick to them- so my tentative goals are: to attend international conferences, to continue my fitness journey and maintain gym attendance, to keep up my music with choir and volunteering, to make good progress on my PhD, to try plenty of new restaurants but also to cook more frequently, to strengthen my existing friendships and make new connections, and to grow together with my partner.

I seem to have a different problem. Lots of things excite me and I overcommit willingly without coercion in most cases, with little to no down time at my own expense. My stress levels rise, I feel overwhelmed and stretched- but I've also always managed to make tight schedules and deadlines work.

Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I just say no and not feel like I'm missing out on opportunities?

I miss the quiet life sometimes. But perhaps things are about to change now that I'm moving a little further away?

I would say that I’ve been caring a little too much about what people think of me lately, and allowing the pressures of expectation weigh heavily on my shoulders. Having said that, I’ve still managed to find time for myself to let loose and enjoy the present - evidenced by this very pixelated, zoomed in photo at a rural beach, where we were literally the only humans there.

I finally landed a permanent specialist job.

I’ve been seeing good results in building muscle mass and fat loss from going to the gym regularly.

I’ve been in a new relationship for the last few months and it’s been going really smoothly.

I landed another PhD scholarship - one of the most prestigious Australian scholarships available.

I’ve been invited to partake in more collaborative research projects in my area of expertise.

I think I’ve finally settled into feeling comfortable in the choir.

Piano playing/hospice volunteering continues to be really fulfilling and enjoyable, and I’ve been getting good feedback from everyone.

-

Practice piano at least 4 times

Daily interview practice for 15 mins

Chest/shoulder stretches at least 4 days

Post another reflection at least once

Spend a quiet night in with myself and actually enjoy it

The result? 4kg lost over 2 months! I’ve noticed some shrinking around the waistline but still have a ways to go. Muscle definition in the upper body region is definitely improving, but the belly and legs could still definitely use some work. I fit into some of my old clothes better again, which was one of my main goals - I felt like I’d really let things go since the breakup at the start of the year.

I don’t know what’s meant to happen once the 16 week programme is over, but I’m thinking that continuing to go to the gym 3 times a week is probably gonna be beneficial for my mental and physical health.

The program officially starts tomorrow and as part of the journey I’ve been asked to take weekly body progress shots, which scares me to no end. Confronting reality is hard, but I think the fear of failure and disappointment in myself is what really scares me.

I know that I don’t actually have to do any of this and that I’m probably “good enough” as I am, but for me this is about setting up habits for myself to stay in shape and be healthy as I get older, and also to feel happier and more confident about my body.

Still, it doesn’t take the nervousness away. Will there be uncomfortable restrictions on my diet and lifestyle? Will people laugh at me at the gym as they see me struggling to do some of the exercises? Will I see the results that I want? Have I paid money for nothing?