I just wrote a long goodbye note for my friend. I’m gonna show it here and I might add some more personal things that don’t. Need to be posted on here. (Tw/ k1lling self mention and drvg and sh)
I love you, now… don’t get it twisted your my friend that’s it that’s all this is. The love. It’s just friendship. Not brotherly or sisterly love just friendship, because I’m trying not to bond close with anyone cause I don’t think i deserve it, if anything I haven’t earned a drop of your companionship or attention, not even the smallest dripped drop, I am… I am not very sure why you have stuck around. Anyway. I really hope this note makes you hate me. If it doesn’t please at least pretend If you can… I know I’m exhausting to talk to, to be around, I KNOW I’m a burden. I know I’ve ruined so many nights for you purely by existing and being negative. I know my VERY existence around you is worthless and pathetic. So if I wake up tomorrow and you realize I had woken up. Than I am sorry. You have full permission to block me. Unfriend me… whatever it is. I am sorry. And I wish I was different but I’m not… I’m just… here… being a disappointment and waste of time. I am sorry I exist. You do not have to respond to this. I will probably shut my phone off after sending it. And I am sorry we’ve wasted 3 years of your valuable precious life. I am sorry. I’m so sorry if I’ve ever hurt you, but I cannot cling on tonight I’ve been trying and I’ve had enough- I’m tired I’m so tired and I just wanna do it I just wanna die I don’t wanna breath I just don’t deserve to. And I don’t think anything you say will make me wanna stay rn. If you wanna you can try. But again I’ll probably have my phone off…
I don’t wanna feel anything tonight. I just wanna close my eyes and pretend that someone is holding me while my heart slows down, that someone actually loves me enough to be with me. But we all know it’ll never happen so I’ll just die silently. Hopefully… if you are gonna try and get my attention i recommend you don’t… I’m tired I’m angry and I wanna die. I try so hard for you guys. But I just cannot do it no more I’m EXHAUSTED. I wanna sleep. I’m tired. But I don’t wanna “sleep” and wake up. I wanna fall asleep and be dead because than I won’t have to face reality in the morning. Right? Right…. Part of me isn’t even sorry and… i honestly have no right to being doing this. I hope Loki doesn’t howl when I pass I hope she just rest her head on me. I hope you don’t cry. I hope our mother doesn’t feel betrayed I hope our father hurts. I hope our brother doesn’t hurt, I hope our other friend doesn’t feel pain when they are told I’ve gone I hope that I do
Not wake up. I hope to have been rested. I hope we not exist for long.
I’m tired. Yk… protag’s last conversation with Ralph / brother Velazquez… he was told… “with how sick I am I keep thinking about running up to the roof of the hospital and jumping to kill myself… but I say no everytime because I have a wife. And she’s waiting for me to get better so I can go home and be with her”. And yk.. I wish I had his strength. I WISH I did. But I don’t. He actually had reason to wanna do it. Me?, oh just some silly guy who couldn’t careless about himself or the system.
I hope I get high tonight. Yk… sense I fuck everything up. I hope I get so high I either die or feel it in the morning. Cause I can’t do it anymore I’m tired and wanna harm myself more and more. I hope the harm comes easy. This is Exhausting.
Again… full permission to block me when you finish reading this. I deserve that. I’m sorry.
But if you do end up blocking me tell me that your gonna block before you do. So that I don’t waste my time if I wake up. I’m… tired..
Ending it is easier cause I know I’ll never be precious to anyone ever again. Even if I meant something to someone. What’s the point?
I’m sorry… I’m so tired…
I wanna give up. I wanna just do it already. I’m so tired. I’m so needy. I’m clingy and annoying… and I’m stupid. And I’m sorry if you hate me I’m sorry if I made you hate me. If hating me is easier than loving me it’s ok. Maybe I hoped you’ll hate make so it’ll make this easier… but I don’t want you to. But hating me and resenting me… is much- much…. Easier… than loving me (as a friend.), I just… I’m tired- I don’t understand why people “love”… me or “like” Me. I’m a shitty person you’ve seen every side of me. You know what I am. All I do is play victim. Maybe I DESERVE. To die. Maybe this is my way of punishing myself. I’m taking the rest with me. Because we … can’t do it anymore… we’re our own enemy unfortunately and unconditionally. I fear that if you still “love us” after this you’ll have to teach me what love is. And that job shouldn’t be yours to deal with… I’m- sorry- i genuinely am so sorry… I’m so sorry I exist I’m so sorry you ever loved me or us I’m so sorry I’m like this and I’m sorry I can’t stay I’m not help im of no use I’m tried I’m so tired I’ve prayed to die to every god I could think of maybe one of them would kill me. And I’ve yet to pass I’m so tired. I’m- so- tired- it’s exhausting- I know im a burden Im sorry that I am burden- I’m sorry… but I don’t know how to love how to care how to give what you need. Hell I can’t even save myself from this hole I’ve dug… I’m SORRY…
I’m so tired … every fiber in my soul is ready to leave but my heart isn’t ready…, I’m so tired.
I know I keep saying it but… I can’t escape I’m tired i feel like I can’t breathe I give you everything I give everyone else. EVERYTHING. And I am not saying I don’t get a thing in return- I’m- I just don’t feel needed… anymore…. I don’t think it’ll
Matter in a few days to you- to anyone… they’ll be over it and I’ll be lost forever lost media I guess… I mean what will you hear from everyone else? “She went to soon…”
“She was so young”, they’ll forget they say. I mean … I’m sure you’ll miss us. I’m sorry. I’m
Breaking that promise of the future we had planed. I’m like… tired… I’m frustrated. And I’m just not ok. I haven’t been ok. Sense I got here. And I’m tired. I’m so tired physically. Mentally… bodily, emotionally. And I know you get it. But trust me… once I’m gone you’ll be a lot less tired. And have so so so much more time for like… Ivan and the others your friends with!- so don’t see it as a loss see it as an opportunity. Take advantage of me being gone. Cause… everything good will stem from there. All the faulty I’ve caused you. All the pain. Heartache. This’ll be my last bite for you. It’s ok to be upset. But don’t mourn me. Forget me. Some times with Ivan. The others. You’ll be ok you’ll be better when I’m gone.










