#godspousing problems

By now we've discussed many of the common complaints people have about this spiritual path, and those private discussions have only strengthened our partnership.

But let's be honest here.

Godspousing isn't all marshmallows and rainbows. Sure it's fun to talk about the sweetness, but that doesn't represent the majority of my practice.

The truth is... my theology is regularly ruined by things my gods say. This doesn't please me. I can't discuss it with anyone just to get perspective, because it's too far from the usual pagan theologies and would likely be dismissed without consideration. Of course, I do apply discernment thoroughly to those spiritual experiences, but there's still a small chance I could be making errors. Can't ignore that possibility. I am a flawed human after all.

Also the gods regularly give me astral lessons that point out private traumas and unearth old pain so I can heal, but that's not comfortable either. They bring me parts of themselves that aren't well accepted by people too, so I can know my gods better. Not fun again.

Learning spiritual stuff is hard. Facing one's personal pain and metamorphosing into a healthier self is hard. Getting to know a nonhuman god intimately is hard. Applying discernment thoroughly to spiritual experiences, and doing that consistently for years is hard. Spiritual growth is hard. Keeping the private stuff quiet is hard. For those like myself who are more public about their practice, remaining kind while hearing the pagan community's erroneous assumptions about godspouses... is hard.

Stir all the above together and live with it daily. For years.

So much fun, right?

No, I'm not complaining. I love my gods very much! But there's not enough talk about what real life can be like with a god for some people, without a sugarcoating of romance.

I wanted to say something about this, to help normalize it, because I am probably not the only one having this experience.

Why do people seem to think godspousing is some easy romantic thing? Okay maybe it is for them.

But what I get is brainbending conversations, ruined theology, and a cosmic tour of ideas foreign to human conventions.

We don't talk about the downsides of godspousing enough, and I think we should.

Granted, not all godspouses experience these downsides, and some people encounter only some of them but not all.

So this post will not apply to everyone. Bear that in mind.

Today I'd like to complain about the particular pain of required silence: when a god says "Here, you should know this surprising personal thing about me, but you cannot speak of it."

Cue much inner turmoil over this shocking UPG, in part because it can't be discussed with anyone. So you can't ask any of that god's devotees or godspouses if they have similar UPG, or if it seems reasonable to them. You can't discuss it with others to contextualize your new information.

And what's worse... if anyone mentions a similar thing, often you have to pretend you don't know anything about it or remain completely silent.

Obviously I can't give any details, but I'd like to say if this is you... you're not alone.

In the interest of solidarity and education, and because I'm feeling whiny, here are...

Some Long-term Results of Silence

you are denied community that you might otherwise have enjoyed. You can't find anyone to talk with about this UPG, because you can't mention it. Humans are social creatures. We find comfort in sharing similar experiences. Staying silent means you're losing potential relationships with people who might relate to you, if you could say something about these spiritual things. But you can't.

you have to regulate messy emotions yourself, or with only your gods and spirits' help. Often shocking divine revelations create some emotional havoc. You might wish for someone to say they have gone through a similar thing too, for some kind of emotional support, for someone to rant to or cry with. But no. You have to be quiet and manage your emotions on your own.

you learn that reaching out for emotional support gets you called names, which enforces further silence. Here you are feeling alone and freaked out, trying to cope, which is bad enough. Being told that you're hubristic because you think a god told you something private about themselves is no help at all. Being told you're arrogant or delusional often leads to further social withdrawal and silent pain.

your spiritual practice begins significantly diverging from other people's practices, due to accumulated UPG. Depending on how much other people can see of that, they might be upset and begin questioning why. However, because you must remain silent about certain things, you can't explain enough so people will understand your changing practice. This often leads to you being labelled weird or a bad practitioner, deepening your feelings of social ostracism.

you have to tolerate seeing your gods or spirits misrepresented, and say nothing. When a deity takes you into their heart and begins showing you their private mysteries, stories from their past, thoughts, emotions, and so on, sometimes your UPG clashes with how they've been publicly portrayed in myths or history. You might want to correct people's erroneous ideas of who that deity is with a boatload of UPG, but you can't. Instead you must bite your tongue, see your god maligned, and let people think what they prefer. Frustrating!

you see other godspouses and devotees talking about their experiences with deities and spirits, receiving public validation and support, but you cannot do the same. Some deities and spirits are okay with a lot of public disclosure. Others are not. You don't get to decide their preferences, and being a decent partner means respecting their boundaries. So you might be a talkative person who happened to marry a very private god or spirit, who requires your silence. RIP public validation! You might also have to manage envying other people's open communication about their practices.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are yet more painful things you might encounter as a silent godspouse, if your relationship brings you into a god or spirit's private world.

I don't know that there's any one proven answer to these problems, either. If it helps,

My Coping Mechanisms Are...

dumping all my UPG into a private journal to get the feeling of telling someone, without actually telling anyone

dancing or exercising vigourously to blow off steam

getting really busy with things I can control (like cleaning my house or pulling weeds) to regain a feeling of agency

ranting to my gods about the difficulties of remaining silent, and letting them comfort me

taking breaks from social media so I don't have to see other godspouses and devotees talking about their UPG and receiving support, when I can't do the same

Seems like I have three choices:

I could ask some mature experienced people if the Weird Shit seems reasonable for this deity, if I first give them a bloody seminar on the intersection of UPG and Obscure Mythology involved. However nobody has time for the seminar, including me. Also no matter how clearly I explain everything, people might still misinterpret what I said. Frustrating!

I could ask some other deities or spirits for their opinion of the Weird Shit. Thing is, whatever they say will necessarily be filtered through my subconscious mind, which may insert its own narrative into things. Therefore I'll have to thoroughly examine whatever I hear with discernment. And what if I mistake something that's just my brain talking, for the voice of a god? I don't wanna believe something untrue.

Talk to no one. Now I'm mired in the mindfuckery of this Weird Shit, without any outside input to help me decide if it's true or not. A lot of my UPG is in this category actually. It's a perpetual state of "dunno, oh well." Shrug. If only my gods would shut up about it and let me be. But they just come along with more Weird Shit, as if I don't have enough already.

Why do some people think godspousing or mysticism is easy?

They ought to be banished to the astral, until they've heard enough Weird Shit to bring some perspective.

Signed,