#godspee

It was a quiet car ride. The clicking of the steering wheel the only accompaniment to her thoughts.  There wasn’t any great speech to give her.  No life changing confession would be spilling from Mulder’s lips.  She made her decision, and he wasn’t going to change her mind.  Too many years spent shifting in the passenger seat waiting for him to look up, look over, wake the fuck up and say what he meant.  Actually meant.  Unfortunately, she suffered enough conspiracy filled car rides to know that what she was looking for was never something he would be giving.  Sure, he slipped just enough sensitivity into his words one night, to get them tumbling into bed together.  And sure, it was one of the greatest sexual encounters of her life, but that was all it was ever going to be with him.  She didn’t want to go to one more shitty motel room, or see one more questionable murder scene, and she certainly didn’t want to hear about anymore fucking conspiracies with them always and forever swirling at the center. No, she had made her decision. Daniel.  She loved him once and knew she could love him again.  All that was left to do was tell Mulder.  She knew what would happen, she’d been victim to that bottom lip, sparkly eyed confession machine hallway of his before. Not this time.  She wasn’t interested in anything he had to say. She wanted a life away from the FBI, she wanted some meaning and purpose that didn’t consist of a basement bubbling over with a broken man's crusade.

The elevator dinged as she got out on his floor.  Her hands were steady and her will was iron.  He would not be changing her mind.  He let her in excited to see her, his mouth filled with proclamations of fate and timing, and whatever romanticized non comital bullshit he’d wrapped himself up in today.  He was grabbing her hands pulling her towards him making every attempt to have that fire that spits and pops between them consume her.  She was ice, frozen in the finality of her decision, no sparks would ignite anymore.

“Mulder.” She said dropping his hands and retreating to his doorway.  “I came here to tell you I’m leaving.”  She shakes her hair away from her eyes letting the air hiss out of her lips.  “Not that I’m leaving, that I have left.”

“Scully what are you talking about, I just got back, I wanted to tell you about my trip, about how much I wish you would have come with me.”  He advances toward her reaching for her hands, but she pulls back shaking her head.  The move freezing him in place, a spooked animal realizing his life is in danger, but unaware from which direction it comes.

“I just left Skinner.  I’ve resigned effective immediately.”  She spits the words out, desperate to release the tannins they coated her tongue with. Mulder stares at her mouth agape bottom lip pulsing.  Head shaking, primed to do some begging, she knows, she’s been here before.

“Scully... listen, I know you’re pissed about the trip, and things have been a little tense lately but, resigned... Jesus Christ Scully... resigned. I need you!”

“I know you do Mulder.  But I don’t need you, and even more I don’t want you.  I don’t want you Mulder.”  That’s all there is, the final blow.  The words neither of them can ever come back from.  She takes one last look at him standing there sinking into himself, tears aching to escape his eyes.  He is for the first time in his life without rebuttal.  He can feel it, his heart actually shredding and sliding out through his toes.  It crackles and seals itself into the air around him, heartbreak.  He watches as Scully turns to leave, back straight, eyes firm and focused on the elevator, on her escape route away from him.  He tries to follow her but takes one step and fails. He simply stands in the doorway of his apartment watching her go she doesn’t turn around as the elevator doors close, doesn’t afford him one last look at her face.  No, she’s really going.  He crumples down the doorframe, achingly aware that she will never walk through it again.