Prusik Knot

I have no one left. And I feel like I’m only a burden to anyone I would reach out to. I barely talk to anyone anymore. I wish I was close to someone.

I have never felt so depressed in my entire life. I’ve never felt so numb and devoid of motivation. I’ve receded from everyone’s life and no one ever contacts me or asks me to spend time or anything. I used to be an enjoyable person, I’ve lost my spark and my will. I miss feeling joy and love.

I miss feeling safe.

I want to reach out, but I’m scared to.

I was told not to.

I have a feeling, despite all of the imagery relating to me, it has nothing to do with me at all. That it’s just a coincidence and I’m stupid for even looking or thinking that.

Feeld: 90% poly, casual, and ENM, which is not what I’m looking for at all.

Tinder: bots, people just looking to hookup (likely also bots), or matches that don’t message or respond back. Just like last time.

FB Dating: matches that never respond, or their profile says to add on IG and they never message back because they’re just looking to get traffic to their OF or whatever.

All three also bring in dominatrix women, which is a weirdly consistent thing I’ve been getting every time I join. Wtf kind of energy do I put off?

The ones that give me instant ick, no matter what else is on their profile or how they look, is ‘god first’ or ‘child free.’ Instant swipe left.

Maybe I should try OKCupid. Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying to see people still and keep isolating. I’m already extremely discouraged and demoralized after just a few days.

lol my dumbass really thought I’d be going a casual route or doing OF content with mutuals or something. My desire for sex and intimacy has tanked so hard 😭 I feel so fucking broken now. The third time my ex moved onto some other dude, and then was open about her hookup when she kept me hidden for so long, really fucked me up mentally. I was raging so much because I truly thought differently of her. I still do in a way, and I get now why she did certain things, but still. It still hurt to be given up on, and to not see how her words over many months wore me down. We already had a relationship, why couldn’t we be doing our own thing and what we needed to do in our own lives while also being there for each other? Why was that so difficult???

I’ve never felt this defeated before, even after the first time she left me. I feel like damaged goods, but with a weird sense of clarity and calmness. Therapy is helping me see the why with my actions, I just wish she understood my angle and could have empathy enough to see that repair is truly doable. To hear her say she didn’t remember how much hurt we processed and all the good times we did have, that shook me. To say she only saw it as suffering, it felt dehumanizing.

Or how she would search for reasons to not trust me, and would point the finger at me if I made comments or liked pictures on Twitter, despite being a sex worker herself. I never reached out to others during our entire relationship, and it wasn’t okay how much it was pointed out that I was flirting around. Sometimes I would play flirt, but in obvious ways, sometimes I would comment non-flirty things and it would be taken as flirting. It wasn’t till near the end that she pointed out she would scope my likes on Twitter as some kind of reassurance that I was untrustworthy.

Liking a pic, following sex workers on social media, or watching porn is not cheating. Being expressively flirty or reaching out to other sex workers is. Subbing to other Onlyfans is a grey area, but I would consider cheating if it bothered my partner enough. I haven’t had an OF in over a year, so that’s a moot point for me.

Hearing her sum up our entire relationship and diminish the growth we had, the good times we did spend, the times I spent with her daughter, to say it was all suffering for her has made me feel like such worthless shit for so long. I have brief moments like this where I find my self worth and see I’m a decent person, but then I fall backwards and get depressed again.

There’s a lot of misconceptions to be had. All we had to do was sort out shit out, but I was too pushy and she was too skittish.

I have a couple dating profiles that I cycle in and out of, but I’ve ghosted the very few matches I do get. I’ve even apologized once, saying that I was sorry and I’m normally not someone that does this, but I’m just not ready to be close with anyone.

I know my ex is now months along with sleeping with and dating other people, doesn’t give me a second thought whatsoever and won’t return a single email, text, call, nothing. and I’m struggling so hard emotionally. I’ve had offers to shoot, hook up, and I just fucking can’t do it. The only woman I pursued post-breakup flaked on me constantly and ditched me for another roommate, and I’ve just given up completely.

I followed signs from the universe and I only got hurt, I’ve lost my faith completely when I worked so hard to gain my faith in the first place. I was a complete non-believer, then was forced to believe once I couldn’t deny the correlations and signs, only to be the one left behind and hated amongst everyone. My exes think I’m a narc, my ex wife thinks I’ve been whoring around since (definitely haven’t), I don’t keep contact with most friends I have left because I’m self-sabotaging them all since the vast majority left me over the last few years, I don’t feel like I have much left.

Except for my job, which is going amazingly well for once. I’m about to interview for a permanent government job soon where they just negotiated higher benefits, pension, everything, in a city with a near zero crime rate. If all goes well, I’ll be in a major step forward towards affording a fucking house by myself, which is unheard of. I wanted a partner with hobbies and/or a self employed job so goddamn bad because I know she will be happy with focusing on her own thing, school, and kids while I work a job I genuinely love and make sure we’re all provided for.