Sometimes it be like this.
My heart and brain want to work together.
My soul and mind still have a few values they are negotiating.
And I'm just standing here, holding the scales, waiting for them to balance.
Impatiently, I may add.
Fearfully, sometimes.
My mind has its intelligence and knowledge that I've painstakingly acquired and organized into different skills and crafts.
My heart has one of those burning souls that have all the wings and eyes and a thousand different creatures all spiraling within it.
My eyes have enough tears to flood the world, and they have tried.
My arms have the ability to both swim and fly.
My feet are beginning to learn how to dance and step without my mind setting limits others gave to it.
My hands are learning how to touch without fearing themselves weapons of destruction. They are weapons of destruction, but it is I who master the controls. These palms will never strike another thoughtlessly. These fists will never stop curling into themselves when my anger begs for control.
My fingertips will consensually explore whatever they desire.
My body is my own to control.
No matter what regulations others try to set.
I choose my own compliance.
I choose my own submission.
I choose my preferences and my comfort.
I choose to step out of them whenever I want.
I choose to let you understand me.
I choose to understand you with the information you give to me.
And you give me so much information.
I catch all of it.
I collect your movements, your words, and what things or feelings put the emotion into your expression.
I know what makes your eyes flash.
I know what makes them flood.
I know how to get them to focus on what I want.
I am at this time in my life where I now have to make decisions.
Everything is in pieces.
I am staring at the pile of it.
My life feels like it is just in piles around my room.
I have razed my beloved garden into ashes.
Everything that I am.
Everything I was.
Everything that made me.
Everything that destroyed me.
Everything I tried to build.
Everything I successfully destroyed.
Everything I'm willing to take back.
Everything I will never forgive.
Everything I will allow to follow me.
Everything I will leave in the ashes.
Everything I will step away from.
I have to begin considering my choices.
For the first time in my life, I am going to wholly and consciously contemplate my true wishes, desires, dreams, ideals, values, and relationships.
I am going to make lists.
I am going to compile evidence.
My own internal scarlet crusade is here in full banner and calvary.
Who do you think burned the garden down?
I didn't call them.
I never knew how to knowingly summon forces outside myself.
Fuck, I can't even ask for help in this life from people I trust when I so desperately need it.
(But I'm learning. I'm learning. I'm learning and making it part of whatever integrated self I have at the end of this.)
But this image.
This art.
This picture that someone conjured by the tools they had skill with...
This picture says everything to me that I needed to put into words.
The words found me and ran like sugar in my bloodstream to my mind who then told my fingers to find the keys and surrender all of my to my heart.
It's my heart who writes.
My hands are only her wings.
And my soul is the one who whispers in song to her all the beauty she inspires to make him burn.
She melts into him.
And my mind gives them whatever they need.
We're all learning how to work together.
If you measure time without season and cycle, how can you truly learn the lessons nature is here to teach us?
Nature worships Balance.
And so will I.
Artist Of Image -Giulia Grillo
