All I Want for Fete Week is You
Chapter 3/13
Chapter 1 - Chapter 2Â <Chapter 3
A GingerPilot Fanfiction for the 2018 - 2019 GingerPilot Holiday Special (@gingerpilotholiday)
A/N: Thank you to the people who left notes on previous chapters! Iâm going to be honest, I was planning on having this be one chapter per theme, but the themes have gotten very melded. Sorry to the people who would have liked that kind of structure. Anyway, I hope people like this next chapter.
Chapter 3: The Biology of the Red-Nosed Taun Taun
âWhy taun tauns?â
Hux was watching the rolling credits for The Red-Nosed Taun Taun, his brow furrowed, his mouth stretched into a wince as if he were in deep agony. Poeâs request to watch a short seasonal holovid had seemed innocent enough, but after what felt like an eternity of excruciatingly cheerful songs and a cringeworthy script, Hux was beginning to suspect the pilot had gone back on his word about no torture.
âWhat was that, Hugs?â Poe asked. Hux had decided it was a lost cause to make Dameron abandon the puerile nickname. Of course, the pilot claimed that Hux had given up the fight after deciding he liked the pet name after all, a ridiculous proposition.
âWhy does this Santa Claus fellow use taun tauns, of all creatures, to pull his sleigh?â Hux had been interrogating the plotline of The Red-Nosed Taun Taun for the entire length of the holovid. Heâd never seen it before and was unimpressed by its screenplay.
âBecause he lives on the North Pole of Hoth,â Poe explained. âAnd the taun tauns are magic. So, they can fly and stuffâŚâ
âWouldnât change the fact that they are noisy and smell dreadful,â Hux said. âNot to mention that they are not well-suited to travel long distances. Fathiers, perhaps, but even then, neither should be able to fly, or travel through space. I suppose one could use magical Neebrays. Iâve heard that those can survive in some nebulas, but it would still be a very inefficient mode of transport.â
âWell, Iâm sorry that Santa in this movie doesnât travel in a Mandator Siege Star Destroyer,â said Poe.
âMandator-class Siege Dreadnought, you mean.â Hux rolled his eyes. âThe Mandator line was a line of Dreadnoughts, not Star Destroyers. I thought youâd know after that travesty with the Fulmanatrix, or perhaps you donât even know what you blow up, but going back to what I was saying about Santaâs inefficient mode of transportation. Red light wouldnât even be the best choice to increase visibility. I would suggest white lightâŚâ
âWhatever, HugsâŚâ Poe said. âHey, can you lift your hand a little. I think I can get this arm free.â
Poe was struggling with a complicated knot of holiday lights encircling Huxâs wrist. Heâd been working on freeing Hux from the armchair throughout the holovid but had made little progress. Apparently, BB-8 had extensive knowledge when it came to knots. The droid had refused to help untie the general, even after being bribed with premium droid biscuits and one of Poeâs blasters.
âHow much longer is this going to take?â Hux groaned.
âI think Iâm getting somewhere,â Poe replied. âWant to watch another holovid while youâre waitââ
âNo.â Hux couldnât remember ever wanting to avoid an event so vehemently, and that said something.
âYouâre awfully grouchy for the holidays,â Poe remarked. âReally, you didnât even think the Red-Nosed Taun Taun was a little cute? Itâs a classicâŚâ
âClassic doesnât mean good.â
âTrue. Death Stars are classic, but yours didnât work much better the third time.â
âThatâs a low blow, Dameron, and you⌠ouch! Be careful, you imbecile!â
âSorry, HugsâŚâ Poe said.
His latest attempt to loosen the matrix of lights seemed to have had the opposite effect. BB-8 made a series of amused beeps.
âBe nice, Buddy,â Poe told the droid, before turning back to Hugs. âSeriously, though. You must have enjoyed at least some of it. I know it was a little cheesy here and there, but it had its nice moments. Like the part where the Wampa that everyone fears ends up learning to be nice to peopleâŚâ
âWampas are bloodthirsty beasts,â Hux said. âEven the juveniles have the ability to rip a grown manâs body in two. I hear they hang their victims upside down in caves. If itâs a female wampa with cubs, she eats the flesh and then feeds the blood to her young.â
âThank you for that pleasant information.â
Poe took a step back to examine the predicament. Huxâs luminous cocoon looked more impenetrable than ever.
âI donât see why you canât simply cut the lights, Dameron,â the general complained.
âThat would ruin them,â Poe explained. âYou know the Resistance only has so many holiday decorations. I donât want us to run out.â
âIf you had chosen the proper side of the war, youâd have more than enough decorations,â sniffed Hux. âFar better quality too, not like this gaudy monstrosity.â
Poe raised an eyebrow.
âI never thought the First Order was much into holiday celebrations,â he said. âI always thought you would be too busy conquering and burning and, what else do you like to do, oh yeah⌠pillaging.â
âWeâre a refined military organization, not a band of pirates, Dameron,â Hux said. âSo, yes, we do celebrate the New Yearâs Fete Week. I have some very fond memories of Fete Week with Supreme Leader Snoke and Phasma. We really did make a beautiful family before Ren ruined it.â
âOh, Iâm sure you did,â Poe chuckled. âWhat was it like? Did you run down the stairs in your pajamas at the crack of dawn the first day of Fete Week, excited to see who Santa had brought you to execute?â
âWe had none of that Santa Claus bantha shit, thank you very much. But believe me, it was the closest thing to a joyful experience I have ever experienced.â
âHuh. Iâm sorry I never had the privilege of seeing it.â
That was when Hux had an idea. He felt a flicker of excitement, the type he only got when he was about to order someone to fire the ventral cannons or when he was about to take a sip from a cup of artisan tarine tea.
âWould you like to see it, Dameron?â he asked. âSo that you can know what youâve missed by joining the loathsome Resistance?â
âSee what? Your family Fete Week videos?â
âPrecisely!â The eagerness in his voice took him aback. Perhaps he was just anxious to show Poe the life he was missing, not that he particularly wanted the pilot to join the First Order, and even if he did, it was for impersonal reasons, unrelated to loneliness or physical attractiveness. Or perhaps he was just desperate to get another holovid playing before Poe changed his mind about another round of magical flying taun tauns. âItâs on the First Order online archive. I can log in on your hologram projector.â
âShouldnât that be⌠er⌠classified or something?â
âItâs nothing of strategic importance. Just frivolous things. Good times with dear Supreme Leader Snoke.â
For reasons Hux did not understand, Poe appeared to be disturbed by the idea of family home holovids.
âSounds charming, Hugs,â said the pilot. âBut maybe we could watch something else? BB-8 said thereâs a whole box of holovids. Have you ever seen the one about the singing snowman who came to life?â
Hux had seen a film about a snowman that came to life. It had been an Empire indie horror movie, the thought of which still made him shudder. Phasma had forced him to watch it. The story entailed a snowman which was possessed by the soul of a snowtrooper whoâd perished in a storm. The rest of the holovid had featured enough gratuitous violence to give the general persistent nightmares, such that heâd requested to sleep in the throne room where it was safer for six nights afterwards (Supreme Leader Snoke had rejected his request). However, considering Dameronâs preference for toothache-inducing childrenâs films, Hux doubted they had the same snowman holovid in mind.
âNo, I have not seen it, and I have no desire to do so,â Hux said. He looked down at the lights entwined around his body in despair. âThough I suppose I donât have much of a choice. Very well then. You can subject me to your singing snowmen and horrible screenplays if that is to be part of our bargain.â
âWhatâs with you and everything being torture?â Poe chuckled. Hux felt his rage boil. The pilot even had the audacity to laugh about his misery. âThis is supposed to be fun, Hugs.â
âI would rather die than watch any more singing snowmen and red-nosed taun tauns and wampas who put stars on Life Day trees instead of ripping peopleâs limbs off as is their natural state!â Hux declared.
âOkay, Hugs, relax,â Poe said. âNo need to make this a life and death situation⌠you know, if you really want to, I guess we could watch one of your creepy home holovids.â
Hux eyed the pilot suspiciously.
âYou would do that, Dameron?â he questioned.
âYeah sure⌠I mean, youâve had a rough day travelling across the galaxy and getting tied up and allâŚâ Poe hesitated. âNot that I donât think you deserve everything youâve got, after all the death and destruction and screaming⌠but still. Itâs the holidays. We can do something that makes you, er⌠happy?â Poe seemed uncertain whether the general was in fact capable of happiness.
Hux wasnât very used to being asked to do things that pleased him. He wasnât very used to being pleased by anything, for that matter. This had to be part of a larger conspiracy. The Resistance was ever deceitful, and Poe undoubtedly had ulterior motives, but maybe just this once, Hux could play along.












