#gettingkickedout

The toxic relationship was with someone in our church. He was perfect in my parent’s eyes. He loved me, but a little too much. He would stalk me. Control me. but he said it was out of love. He was obsessed with me. We were together for 6 months. Then I decided to take measures to help myself. Because I felt drowned and suffocated with him. I needed space and he would occupy all of it.  I needed out.

 So I broke up with him. It was sudden. Nobody expected it. Not him. Not the church. Not my parents. But nobody understood why I did it. They thought I was being unreasonable. They thought I was being selfish.

 He wanted me back. He told me he cut himself. He told me he was miserable. He told me he needed me.  He told me that I was his everything. told me to stop acting like the victim when it was obvious he was the one hurting the most.

I loved him. But I couldn’t anymore. I was done and tired. I helped him so many times and so many times he brushed me off. Now it is my time. Time for me to love myself. Time to learn to say no. Time to find my happiness instead of serving others theirs. 

My parents disagreed. They would push for me to fix my relationship with him. They pushed for me to go back to him. Because he was perfect. Because he was a church boy. The thing is however, that being in church doesn’t make you a good person. Being in church does nothing. Nobody is perfect. He was far from perfect.

I’ve always had a crush on my male best friend since freshmen year. But he liked someone else, so I kept my silence. As the years went by, me feelings only grew. Now as a senior, I knew I loved him. But he never gave signs of wanting to be more than friends. So I never pushed. 

It’s been a while since my breakup with the church boy. My relationship with my parents are strained. Church is disappointed in the failed relationship. The boy has gone to visit the different churches in our area. I feel alone, but refuse to show it. I refuse to show weakness to those looking for it.

A month before we graduate from high school, my best friend admits that he loves me. That he wants to be more than friends. My best friend, the one who knows everything about me, loves me back. The one who knows about my breakdowns, my panic attacks, my struggles. Has seen my good and acknowledges the bad. The one who sees everything in me. He loves me back. 

I was happy.

It didn’t last very long.

My parents disapproved. They don’t want me to date a non-religious person. They wanted the church boy again. I didn’t.

So for once, I went against them. And I’m paying the price for that.

I have a month to leave my house

A month to find a place to move to.

A month to find a new home.

I looking for my happiness, yet for that I’m losing my family.

I stopped listening and following orders, and I’m being left behind. 

It hurts. It hurts so so much. Pain is something that is indescribable.

Having you blood and family reject you harshly is a pain I never though I would go through.

It hurts, but I won’t let that stop me.

It hurts, but I won’t bow down to them again.

It hurts, but I will continue to search for my happiness.

It hurts, but I will show them that I am better than they ever have and will be.

I will show them that I AM NOT WEAK.

I HAVE A HIDDEN STRENGTH AND I WILL SHOW THAT.

I REFUSE TO BOW DOWN AGAIN.

I WILL RISE AND SHINE ABOVE THEM ALL.

I

AM

MY 

OWN