Day 105 of Writing Something Everyday
I keep smelling chemicals like chlorine,
I keep smelling the vinyl on a warm summers day and how the plastic would burn you if you weren't careful.
I remember the wet dogs - the smell of their fur, tongues hanging out the sides of their mouths huffing and puffing after running around and playing in the water all day.
I remember the smell of bathing suits and how the chlorine smell never washed out.
I remember the smell of coconut sunscreen and the way it never screened anything - it just smelt nice, smelt like summer I thought.
The smell of sand on a hot day, almost pungent but still bearable - comforting in a way strangely.
This all just started happening the other day.
Maybe it's because summer is coming up?
Maybe it's because it brings back nostalgia?
It's not necessarily bad memories, but it's not exactly memories needed right now when I'm alone.
I don't have faith or hope that my life will get any better or anything good will happen to me or for me.
When I'd lie on my back in that blow up pool in our backyard I felt like an adventure - the whole waiting and having any whimsy or anticipation whatsoever over my future.
I'm not sure if 13 year old me would like 31 year old me.
I never did anything on the time capsule list I said I wanted to do.
I thought I'd have my mom forever...
I'd have to tell little 13 year old me that her only and best friend would die and she'd have to traumatically watch this happen, not just on the day of her passing but for the rest of her life.
I don't have a boyfriend and never have, no family or friends, just alone and hoping someone arrives one day like a prince in a fairy tale to take me (the princess) away.
As a kid it's maybe tomorrow, then maybe next week, then maybe next month, then maybe next year until you're not even looking for love anymore and you haven't been keeping track.
Now when people show up I just feel like I'm being lied to and want them to just go and save the oxygen and brain cells they're going to use to fabricate what they tell me.
It's harder now as an adult, I can't see past my childhood and how I was then. Can't see that I'm not that girl anymore but sometimes I wish I could go back there to that time when I ate cereal and drank juice. Cartoons and colouring were life, lunches and suppers consisted of sandwiches and chips (possibly a slushee) and I was dying waiting to go back into the pool until I'd be called in later on that night.
To feel that water on my skin again, to hear those leaves on the trees rustle above my head, wondering if It was the wind, a squirrel or a cat moving the branch.
Boys climbing the fence to giggle at an 11 year old me in a bathing suit then running away when I noticed them.
There was a part of me as I drove under the water that giggled to myself as no one could hear but me.
Is it bad that I kind of miss that?
The innocence of thinking someone was cute, giggling and holding hands.
I wish I had experienced any of that completely and not half assed..
Being out in the pool when it started to rain that night, feeling bigger and better than I ever had.
Being out in the pool with you and wanting to kiss you so bad that night.
Staying up late with you to watch Titanic (both VHS tapes back to back) and NOT fall asleep. I can't remember who'd fallen asleep first?
Half happy because I didn't make it to the part where Jack dies - you would've seen me run away moments before that scene to cry alone because it made me so sad.
I remember being at that Christmas party, I was 6 and you were 7.
The adults had been calling us and they couldn't find us because we were under a blanket in the dark in a room (by ourselves)
You had been kissing my neck so much under that blanket my mom had to buy me turtle necks in every colour of the rainbow to cover up the shit load of hickey's you left on my neck..
I can't remember who found us but I remember the blanket being ripped off of us and lights in my eyes and lots of yelling.
I was the kindergarten trollup and I had no idea...Nor did anyone else. My mom made sure of that Lol
I don't believe that purgatory is a real place,
But I do believe we all have mini fun sized versions of it living in us.
We can't see it, touch it, taste it or hear it.
It's so real that you can actually go there, but just in your mind's vehicle. Only we usually use it for negative places and get lost on memory lane.
I'm just in the passenger seat, just along for the drive but I hope we park soon.
Inside with my eyes closed I can smell the car, it's rented. The keychain around the rearview jangles lightly over the low music playing.
It smells like new air fresheners and I'm in my seat leaning back awkwardly like I'm in a nascar race - my back is hurting sitting like this for too long.
It's always night time when I'm here and I can never see the drivers face, just a light silhouette.
I've spoken about this before in the past too I think.
Everyone says they'll stay and not to worry, then they wonder why you have trust issues and are in the middle of a mental breakdown.
I know people are lying yet I allow them too having too much hope that maybe I'm wrong this time..
Then it happens again, proving me right again.
I even lowered my standards as I thought maybe I was just too choosey in picking friends, then people started coming to me and it was still all the same crap all over again.
Nothing is new anymore and that's truly sad.
I have people around me now since my mom passed away and to me none of them are no more than acquaintances.
Nobody that I'd actually want to go for a coffee with.
Nobody I can just call up randomly because I want to, I have to be "squeezed" in or it has to be "arranged" leaving me feeling like I'm a burden.
It's just better to leave everyone alone...
I finally stood up for myself, I told the church lady that I didn't want her making plans for me and that church was in itself overwhelming for me that I'd add on things slowly down the road if I'd like to do I get used to everything slowly.
She got pissy and told me that "fine" she'd "not send me anything anymore" and I haven't heard anything from her in 3 days.
It was very childish and I can't deal with people who refuse to do anything other than what they choose to do.
I do not have to explain my grieving process to people who said "I know" a little too much in the beginning..
Shouldn't they know me then?
