I can almost feel it—motherhood, parenting, being a family and such. I know it will be hard because hundreds of moms have been telling me that over and over again ever since I got pregnant 😅 Even my mom had continuously reminded me and my two siblings when we were young that raising us had been difficult. Since the beginning of time, our society has been scaring and promising us that if you ever become a parent there will be sleepless days/nights, non-stop diaper changing, difficult potty training while living with a crying newborn, terrible-TWO, THREEnager, FOURnado and so on.
So now, I am TERRIFIED. It’s funny that when I was younger, I thought didn’t want to be pregnant because I heard it will hurt a lot to give birth, but now I fear more of failing as a future parent. I can’t help it. My husband and I were used to being alone, then we got married and got used to being just the two of us and now soon we will be three. Oh no no no. I thought I could never love any other human being as much as myself and my husband because I’m selfish like that (yeah what a promising “future parent” quality).
Another thing—I am EXCITED. I never knew I would be. Few months after we got married it was like something inside me snapped and said “hey, maybe having a baby won’t be too bad”. So I started imagining my husband and I with a tiny human so innocently hugging and kissing us all the time. It felt so beautiful. For a while, my mind just focused on cute baby faces and forgot all of the reasons why I didn’t want to be a parent (before) in the first place. Then suddenly, “crazy me” told my husband that I thought I was now ready to get pregnant and have a baby. He, being as supportive as he has been since the day we met, agreed immediately. Well, he asked a bit if I am sure then he said “Okay, so you want to start trying for it tonight?” 😆
So after a month, we found out I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t think it will be that fast. I thought we would keep on trying for months. I still feel guilty when I think of how I fet that day, but here it is. I sometimes read or watch videos about other people’s reaction of so much happiness when they see THE two red lines that they even tear up while hugging each other or jump with excitement. And then there I was staring into space and thinking to myself—“OH NO, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?”
My husband on the other hand was saying “Oh my God! I knew it! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” while holding the two positive pregnancy tests in his hands just staring at it then to me, then back to it again. I wasn’t really sure if he was happy or also thinking the same way as I am inside. But after saying “Oh my God” a thousand times, he finally calmed down and told me “Let’s tell everyone else!”
He started telling his brothers and sisters and then his parents. Everyone was really excited and happy for us. I was speechless but after some time I realized that I was also feeling the same way—a bit shocked and questioning myself if I really wanted it, but deep inside I was happy. I made this moment happen with the person that I love the most and God would not have allowed this if it is not good for us. He knows it’s time.
For months, my husband loved telling people that I’m already pregnant. I knew he has also tried to wrap his head around it for a while but he handled it well. I have a lot in common with him but one thing is different—he has this always “super chill” attitude while my mind is always a mess. I still struggled a lot for a few months to accept the fact that it happened too soon. I know we planned it but it feels different and overwhelming when you are already in the situation that is about to change your life forever. Sometimes I feel (and still do) that maybe we are not ready yet, but that is just me being me. I worry a lot about the future—an overthinker as they say.
During the end of my second trimester I began to fully accept that this will be our life now. I loved my pregnancy journey and I still do. Thank God I have minimal to no symptoms throughout the whole nine months. My husband has also been really supportive and I believe that this has made our bond even stronger than before. He has been more caring and loving and I feel really greatful. I couldn’t have done this without him. I really enjoyed and cherished every time I feel our baby move inside my belly. It’s amazing. If I am to explain it to my pre-pregnant self right now, she would not have understood it. I am really glad I have the chance to experience it. I never believed that a love for a mother and the unborn child can really exist, but it does. I already love him even if I haven’t seen or hold him yet. It took me a while to adjust, but here I am waiting and willing to share my selfish self to the baby boy who will soon change our lives forever for the better. This is God’s plan. I know that it will be difficult but I trust and pray that He will guide us every step of the way. ❤️
