#ft. pierce

Recent Acquisition - Ephemera Collection

– IT WOULD BE EASIER IF HE’D DONE WHAT HE JOKED ABOUT. if he was waiting outside of her class, making out with some other girl. sure, it’d hurt, but it would make her feel less guilty, and it would hurt so much less than what’s happening instead. prior, they’d crossed paths, and while there had been sadness, there had also been a sort of exhilaration, passing back and forth secretive smiles, almost looking for excuses to bump into one another, to tease. now, they pass and he averts his eyes entirely and she can feel her cheeks burn hot, ashamed because she knows why he won’t look at her.

parker told him. 

it’s probably for the best, because it’s not like they could ever be anything anyway, she’s the one who said so. but she never meant to hurt him like this. that had never been her intention, because no matter how much he’d hurt her, she never would have set out to do the same: she loved him. and now, he wouldn’t look at her.

the imperium meeting is torture. it’s a game of avoiding eye contact. she spends half the meeting looking at him, hoping he’ll look back. he doesn’t. fingernails dig into the palms of her hands, trying to distract herself from how much it hurts, trying to keep herself from crying. these meetings were supposed to be full of allies, a group of people she could trust and rely on, but now she had no one. aside from emerson, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him about this. the meeting ends and everyone starts to file out, including warren, who has a meeting with the police commissioner. pierce is already making a beeline toward the door, and before odette can hold herself back, she’s making another impulsive mistake, running forward to touch his arm gently in an attempt to stop him.

– HE REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT. that much is true. she can’t get it out of her mind, lying awake during sleepless nights thinking about what could have been – if only things weren’t so complicated. of course, it makes sense. they’re pretty words, but in the long run, there’s no way it could ever work. she’d always be jealous and guilty and it probably wouldn’t take him long to grow bored of her. it had been better to cut it off quick then to let it die slowly. that’s what odette repeats to herself.

but it doesn’t stop her from thinking. after all, when she lies in her bed, she can remember what it was like the last time he was there. only on stage did she ever feel so alive. the fact that she could even compare how she felt with him to her music almost felt a little sacrilegious, but she loved every sin. 

unfortunately, stems aren’t cut so quickly when you go to the same small school. and here she is, standing behind him in the library, wondering if he can feel her presence. as he looks through the shelves, can he feel her longing? if so, he doesn’t turn around. she’s kind of glad – odette’s used to seeing the evidence of his latest hookup on display and today, she doesn’t think she can bear that. however, they’ve been standing there for so long that she’s almost convinced that he must feel her presence – if it was anyone else, wouldn’t he have left by now? 

she clears her throat.

– SHE WAKES UP IN A COLD SWEAT, shooting forward off of her pillow, heavy breathing. she doesn’t scream this time – sometimes she does, and it’s why she doesn’t have a roommate any more. not that she can blame the girl, no one wants a roommate with consistent night terrors. it was better for the both of them. odette’s mind is still reeling, she’s still stuck in the dream. it’s the one where she’s in the east wing, but it’s different this time.

there’s blood everywhere still – the smell is so pungent that it transcends the dream world. she doesn’t think she ever won’t smell blood. his body looks the same as it did at the wake, still and lifeless but with enough makeup caked on to make him look alive. sunday best. it’s how she remembers him now. usually, this is the part where she comes face-to-face with the killer, where she has to run until she wakes up with sore legs, but this time, when she looks up no one’s there. it’s then that her eyes drift down to her hands, stained dark red. she’s holding a knife. i did it. i killed him. 

when she wakes up, it doesn’t feel like the dream’s over. all of it still feels real, and she can’t think of anything else, shaking all over, trying to catch her breath. you did it, you killed him. she can’t fucking breathe. she keeps trying, but she can’t seem to hold in air. hands shaking, she thinks: this is how i’m going to die. she always thought when it came that she’d be fine with it, she’d deserve it, but she doesn’t want to die now, and she’s so fucking scared – everyone has to know the truth. she needs HELP. in a blind panic, her fingertips skim over emerson’s number (he can’t know, he can’t know it’s her fault), to dial a number that she should’ve long deleted.

her hands won’t stop shaking. “it’s all my fault,” she says at first, needing someone to know, before his voice breaks her from her reverie. 

fuck. she’s made a huge mistake.

– NOTHING GETS ANY EASIER. odette thought it might; she thought that being definite about things would work. but to say she thinks about him all the time isn’t an understatement – that’s what’s the most pathetic. she’s still so in love with him and starting to come to terms with the fact that it’ll never stop. odette even wonders if she’s made a mistake, sitting in class, unable to focus as she replays the words of eliza and parker over and over in her mind. quentin would’ve wanted you to be happy. if you don’t fight for it, you’ll regret it. 

odette DOESN’T want to hurt him again, she knows that the back forth is pointless, but what if they were to stop teetering? what if she just let him in, let herself have what she wants for once? if there’s anything she’s learned from pierce, it’s that being selfish and reckless is FUN sometimes, that it makes her HAPPY. it only implodes when she tries to do the right thing, so – why not do the wrong thing? 

it takes ages for odette to work up the courage, to figure out what she’s going to say. she writes pro-con lists in her diary, versions of speeches she’ll never say to him – it’s all too embarrassing, the way he inspires her, the way he makes her feel safe. she’ll be vulnerable, but not that vulnerable, not yet. but for once, thinking about it doesn’t make her sad – she feels excited and giddy about the prospect of falling into his arms again, and there’s an unexpected bounce in her step once she knows for sure what she’s going to do. granted, it’s not without anxiety, she’s still herself, but she can’t help how happy it makes her feel. he made it clear that he wants you, she tells herself, that he wants this. you don’t have to be scared. 

but she’s still scared.

it’s been weeks by the time she makes it to his door. perhaps she’s never been known for her alacrity, but she’s not exactly known for her confidence either – all of this takes a lot out of her, but it’s worth it if they can go back to where they used to be, if she can spend nights curled up in his arms, if they meet up between classes – it’s all the little things, like how he attempts to distract her while she works on homework, or when she lends him her books with her favorite parts dog-eared. it’s everything she wants, and that’s what gives her COURAGE. 

when he opens the door, it’s like he’s just woken up, messy hair and a surprised look on his face. odette figures as much – he shouldn’t have expected to see her, after all. “sorry, i – don’t say anything for a second, okay? or i’ll completely chicken out,” a soft smile, one she can’t even bite her lip to hide, “i just, i wanted to say i was sorry, i mean – you were right about everything, i...i’ve been going through a lot lately, and i guess maybe there’s something wrong with me because what happened was MONTHS ago and i still can’t seem to make sense of everything, it’s like i’m suffocating here all the time, i don’t even feel like i’m myself any more except...except when i’m with you, and you were right, that does scare me, but i –” 

– ODETTE DOESN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT SHE EXPECTED. after all, her parents are here, tensions are high between her and just about everyone, there was no way things could be completely smooth sailing. naturally, her mother hates the color of her dress (“you’re too pale to pull off so much white, you look washed out”) and her date, showed up shitfaced in time to meet up with her parents. and parker hates her forever and zephyr was peddling drugs to anyone in sight.

naturally, she has to watch pierce enter with another girl on his arm, and while she knows it’s stupid, there’s still a sinking feeling in her stomach at the idea of watching him have fun with someone else. while it’d probably be in her best interest to look away, she can’t stop herself from stealing glances, beating herself up over not being the one who makes him happy.

and quentin is still not there, and he was ALWAYS there. the summer semester gala used to be his thing, his stomping ground. she can’t help but think he would know how to fix all of this and have a good night in spite of it. he was always the best at dealing with their parents expectations.