from âRethinking High Maintenance: The Queer Fat Femme Guide to Not Blaming It on the Fact That You Donât Like High Femmesâ by Bevin Branlandingham
published in Persistence: All Ways Butch & Femme, ed. Ivan E. Coyote & Zena Sharman (2011)
Backstage at a show I was hosting, burlesque legend World Famous *BOB* told me a story about how a (now former) beau had called her high maintenance.
âI called my drag mom and asked if she thought I was high maintenance. She said âOf course you are, but you maintain yourself. Youâre like a classic car; if someone is going to drive a â66 Caddy, they will. If they want a Honda, they should drive a Honda.ââ
The rhetoric of what is considered âhigh maintenanceâ in our community is judgmental and unfairly targets femmes.
The definition of high maintenance I am working from is something, much like the aforementioned classic car, that takes a lot of work to keep in running order. This can be aesthetic workâmakeup, hair care, attention to fashionâor emotional, physical, or intellectual expectations that need to be met in order for the person who is high maintenance to be running in top condition.
In the queer community, there seems to be a very negative value judgment on the so-called high-maintenance feminine aesthetic. There are hundreds of stories of femmes coming out of the closet only to be shamed into an androgynous or butch appearance because they wanted to fit into the lesbian or queer community, but femmephobic people called them not queer enough. There is nothing in my lipstick case that prevents me from being queer, and realizing that took an entirely separate coming-out process.
We should remove the value judgment from the phrase high maintenance, since it should have nothing to do with anyone other than the person being maintained. Everyone can be high maintenance in their own ways; itâs all just a matter of whether or not one personâs maintenance is compatible with another personâs.