Hey, I was wondering if you could do a comfort scenario with the system where the reader is brought to the church (kind of dragged their by a family member) and brings up a lot of old religious trauma for them? Such as made to feel worthless without God, stuff like that. Sorry if this confusing or vague, and if you don't get to it or don't feel comfy answering this thank you for taking time out of your day to read this regardless!
gilded lily
pairing: Marc spector x reader / Steven x reader (implied)
Word count: 1.6 k
Warnings: religion is the main focuse of this, if it's triggering to you please don't read!! panic attacks, parent issues, negative self talk, hurt confort
A/N: this is based on a conversation Marc has with his therapyst in the comics and influenced by my own sekf doubt when it comes with religion, I hope you like it! i tried my best
You knew it was a bad idea, you knew it as soon as her voice rang in your ears through the line, acid candy filled tongue that smacked while talking, words so sweet that cut so deep and made its way to incarnate itself into you, hurting and lasting. A cheap excuse left her lips, apparently her years of working in an office meant nothing, as she seemingly couldnât work out how to use her new computer. A slightly older model than her last one, a badly structured excuse to ask what she really intended, doubting you would be clever enough to pick on it.
It was no use trying to circle around it, it wasnât as if she even tried to be subtle about the topic, just asking the question she intended on asking since the beginning. It was easier to not pick up the phone at times, the times she didnât show up at your flat.
âWhen are you coming to church?â
Pleading falling down the line that didnât seem to end, the thought of hanging up settled in the back of your head ignoring the many times where it didnât work â maybe this time would be different, maybe she would get tired of calling before you got tired of hearing it ring. Eyes trailing from a blank spot in the flat â something that was surprisingly uncommon to find â while a sense of fuzziness created by her words turned into white noise grew in your mind, to the sight of your partner peeking through the door, starting to shed the layers keeping him warms from the freezing November nights, his face was calmly looking back to you, a quick smile shined in his face mouthing to you a âhello loveâ
âIâll goâ itâs a mistake â your mind echoed
âYou wonât regret it. Sunday, 8 amâ she replied with glee âdonât be lateâ
Your throat felt clogged in guilt while walking in through the doors you thought would never open for you again, Itâs been a couple years since you decided not to come back to mass, the ache on your knees as you dropped on the cushion made to pray your sins away wasnât near enough to overshadow the growing headache that was sure to last. The promise of coming home to your partner helped to get through it for the majority of the time while reciting the chants out of pure reflex, only to be dragged back by the strident voice of the father bouncing against the walls and making its way to your ears, ingraining his words in your head and making the pain grow stronger.
You tried hard not to think about it, you worked really hard through the years to ignore that sensation and those questions that piled up inside the âdo not openâ box.
How can you have salvation after being too far gone, what will happen to you after everything is done? Would it been worth it?
Get out
Not even the grip your mother had on your wrist was strong enough to keep you in place, the not so subtle whispering that she tried to hide with a smile on her face, nor your fatherâs hand on your shoulder trying to keep you in place. Nothing wouldâve been enough to keep the flight impulse from winning. Faces turned as those hideous heels that your mom made you wear clacked in every step you made leaving them wondering who dared to leave in the middle of the mass.
They must be a disgrace.
The way you shudder had nothing to do with the chill morning or the fact you didnât take the time to take your coat out of the trunk of your car. The pressure your hands against the wheel kept your back pressed to the car sit as you gasped for air that never seemed to be enough for your lungs. The itching sensation on your thighs werenât helping and neither did the scream that you tried to hold in the back of your throat, tears flooded your eyes. Your hand reached for the bag on the empty sit by your side and scrambled through it trying to find your phone, feeling too worked up to even start the engine.
âEverything okay?â He knew there was the huge possibility of you calling even if he hopped for you to have a nice time with your parents, but he was prepared, his phone on handâs reach in case it started ringing â instead of being off in his drawer as it often did â ever since you kissed him goodbye while he was still half asleep.
âMarcâ you gulped, mouth feeling dry and hearth speeding while trying to rearrange your thoughts, your empty hand wiping away the tears that ran free âI- I canâtâ
Every remanence of slept left his body at the sound of your agitated voice, he tried to keep his voice reassuring and his tone steady even if the fear that something bad had happened to you creeped up his back, the hiccups that fell from your lips had him worried, pulling the covers away to quickly get dressed while calming you down. âBreatheâ he reminded you and himself âJust follow me, âkay?â he counted and breathed heavily so you could follow along, mimicking all the times you helped him through a panic attack.
âDonât-â you replied to the sound of him opening the front door âIâm fine, Iâll justâ
âNo, youâre notâ he cut you off determined by every step he made âIâm coming to find youâ
âMarc, Iâll just. Iâll need a whileâ you saw the church doors opening once more, making the passage of time a reality once more. Families walked up to their cars, some kids ran competing against their each other and a girl skipped making her dress and curls bounce while holding her momâs hand, you held your breath for a beat of silence, both from your side and from his, your eyes finding your mother as she talked to the father.
He called your name, pleading for you to send him the address but it didnât work, you just needed to hear his voice and to breathe for a couple of minutes. He reminded you how much he loves you and you assured him that it was something you knew âI love youâ you said before hanging the phone once more.
Your momâs eyes found yours as you turned on the engine, she seemed tired but that wasnât for you to carry with.
Home promised stability, a safe place where you could leave the worries by the front door to be swept by the wind, unconditional support from your boyfriends who waited patiently with open arms for you to find. To indulge in your weight pressed against his chest while his chin rested on top of your head.
Fitting yourself inside his shirt while he wore it was hard but not impossible, your hands tucked between your chest and his while both laid on bed once more, his hand played with your hair.
âWill everything be okay?â you asked trying to ease your mind form being pulled to the answer you wanted to be false.
âI ask myself the same thing⌠sometimes Steven answers thoâ
You smiled softly and a smile settled on his face, the tiniest bit of new found tranquillity seemed to be enough to shed layers and layers of guilt and fear. Yet the question lingered in your mind, one that didnât feel right to even acknowledge.
It was so easy and yet hard to turn your back from something like that, a wound that never seemed to properly heal.
âWhat are you thinkingâ his hand brushed the hair out of your face, your furrowed eyebrows gaining a kiss from him âyou were biting your bottom lip, you do that when you thinkâ
âI do not!â you gasped with a smile
âYes you doâ he said while laughing, his morning curls bouncing by the shake of his head. His arms wrapped themselves by your waist, keeping you from moving off him.
âDo you regret it?â
It
The big elephant on the room that you never dared to acknowledge and he never felt to talk about. The big incognita of his service to Konshu, a half-assed explanation was all you got from Steven, him not knowing how to really explain it to you. After all he wasnât the one there when it happened.
âYesâ he sighed looking back at you. There was doubt in your eyes, fear of getting on a subject he didnât feel comfortable talking about but his soft smile made that disappear âMy father wouldâve died before even acknowledging other gods and I cowardly ran at the opportunity of momentarily salvationâ
There was more, the threat of more words coming out made his lips form a tight line. Your hand reached up coming out from the neck of the shirt to touch his face, to feel the sting of a growing beard he so stubbornly refused to let grow.
âBut?â
âI know I wouldnât have met you but⌠itâs stillâ
âHardâ you sight, there was no hurt being done by his feelings, the guilt being something you could understand âI knowâ
You felt him kissing your forehead âI love youâ his words crashed against it. Maybe that would be the quickest way to get you to understand what he meant âand no matter what, I hope you know weâre here for youâ
âI knowâ you whispered back, his cologne flooding your senses âand I hope you know Iâm here tooâ
âI know... we knowâ he snuggled, his back burring itself further into the mattress. It was still early and a nap was exactly what you both needed at the moment âthanksâ
Marc held you thigh like every other night, his grip was sturdy while his sleep was light. Years of sleeping with an eye open could make that happen to anyone, he didnât mind waking up by you turning in the bed if that meant you were still there between his arms, you were the only thing he needed to make his nights more sound.
