Dec 4, 2021
I love that tumblr screenshots of tik tok posts almost always crop out the face like sir we don’t do eye contact here
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I love that tumblr screenshots of tik tok posts almost always crop out the face like sir we don’t do eye contact here
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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How do I come to terms with the anger and grief that comes with knowing I’ll be in pain for the rest of my life? Especially because I don’t know what’s causing it.
How do I forgive myself and my body?
I’ve been having a shut down after work pretty much every day and today is the only day where I’m off and my partner is supposed to work, so when he took off I settled into a nice calm quiet morning doing nothing so I could have plenty of battery this afternoon to clean and make dinner. I even ate a little first thing and was planning on eating more very soon, a rare thing for me but I can tell my body’s really been needing it lately.
But then one of my partner’s service calls fell through and he came home and since he’s in productive mode he kept asking me stuff and ranting and then emptying the dishwasher which was so loud until I finally started crying and told him to stop, and he even asked me if I could go to the bedroom while he did stuff. I don’t want to have to be trapped in the bedroom just because he wants to do stuff when this is my one morning in the entire week to just have quiet.
He ended up going to the bedroom to do online work trainings which he should’ve been doing anyway instead of cleaning the kitchen. And like I get he was trying to do smth for *us* but he doesn’t load the dishwasher right and it would cause more anxiety than help anyway. And now because of all that I’m so stressed and anxious that I don’t feel hungry anymore and I’m back to feeling completely drained and it’s already almost 10am so most of my designated time to recoup has now been wasted.
I think I’ll talk with him more when we’re both regulated about how Friday mornings *need* to be quiet time for me in order to function properly. It also sucks because I’m feeling switchy with Sprout but he’s uncomfortable with child alters so she’s also feeling sad now when I was just starting to cheer her up.
I need alone time. I love him so much but people are so exhausting.
So I’ve been an all-day-every-day weed smoker ever since I became the full-time operator of this body two years ago (got the DID if anyone’s actually reading this), and it was basically the only way I knew how to live my life.
Four days ago, I quit smoking weed completely, and it’s making me realize more about myself than I thought. I know everyone says that there’s no harm in weed, but I had no idea how to regulate my emotions without it. I destroyed any sense of stillness in myself because I’d just get high and numb my emotions anytime I was even bored, much less stressed at all.
I couldn’t meditate, I had no energy, I felt such little control. That’s not to say that smoking weed is bad in general of course, but I couldn’t moderate myself.
Now it’s like all my nerves are on overdrive. I’m starting to see glimpses of energy around me like I did when I was a beginner witch first meditating at 15! I still don’t really know how to manage my emotions, but I can feel them so clearly and intensely. It’s like I’m really spending time with myself for the first time in a very, very long time.
Idk this is a lot of rambling to say that I missed who I was when I was sober, and it’s terrifying but I feel so incredibly hopeful now that I’m taking the first steps to get back to that
are they,,,,, asking me to buy my mother a vibrator????????????
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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we on those yearning hours y’all
yo guess who found another lump! so that means it’s either a cyst or my tumor became cancerous and is spreading through my body as we speak (งツ)ว
A boy called me today?? Like we were texting and then he called me because he was driving instead of just waiting to get to the secondary location to continue texting like a normal person in their 20’s??? At first I was so sure it was a buttdial I almost didn’t pick up
The kicker is that I’m sleeping with two boys atm. Boy 1 is the one who called me even though we’re just hooking up, but Boy 2 is the one claiming to be interested in me as a person and yet I haven’t gotten so much as a text in two days after we almost slept together
Not to mention the very beautiful but Very Hippy lesbian sitting next to me at work is definitely hitting on me and she seems *chefs kiss* extremely dysfunctional
Meanwhile I’m over here actively shoving my mental health into a garbage disposal