#freerico

In response to rat bastard Mitch Kiper’s unscrupulous reporting, KAI PR rep Clay Aiken would like to issue the following statement:

Cursed is the head that rocks so loudly,

So loudly that rest is the only calm.

Not what I love.

Cursed are the naysayers, those who say nay

To my promise, my future, hopes and dreams alike.

53 is unobtainable.

I don’t believe so.

Cursed are those who refused me the respect

Of a starter, yet also the courtesy of a rookie.

I love taxis.

But most cursed, the most cursed of all, are

The friends who claimed my well-being at

Heart, only to stab it in the most painful way.

Goodbye Ben.

After his first ever week playing for the Gakusei Kai Nickelsnatchers, spot starter “Gakusei” Kai Forbath reportedly had a wonderful time filling in at kicker for Greg Zuerlein, who was on bye. 

“It was a really lovely time here on the Nickelsnatcher squad,” Forbath said, “Everyone was so welcoming, and I never would have guessed that Rico Gathers is an enchilada masterchef.”

Of course, despite his team-perfect moniker, many expect Forbath to be on the chopping block after this week, due to the fact that no one in their right mind keeps two kickers on a fantasy team. When asked whether he’s thought of his future, Kai had to say, “I hope I put in a good enough performance to stick around, but you know what, the cookie crumbles the way it does, and if this was my only week here, I can be thankful for that. I wish everyone the best, and will stay in touch via handwritten letters on my own personal stationary.”