#freericogathers

Last week, the Dynosteve fantasy football league was shocked to learn that founding owner and coach of the Gakusei Kai Nickelsnatchers, Mitchell Golden, was fired by the majority ownership, thanks to a collection of poor decision-making and even poorer businessmanship. Since then, the Shadow Organization, known only by the acronym GORP, has taken on the decision making responsibilities for the team until they could hire a suitable replacement for their former coach.

“We have no intention of running Gakusei Kai forever,” said spokesperson Jennifer Hudson earlier this week, “GORP is a mysterious multi-national corporation, and quite honestly a small fantasy team based (we think?) in a rundown international fraternity is a complete waste of our considerable resources.”

Several big time names were ballyhooed about in the past week, including Ric “Wonder Boy” Flair, Richard Branson, Greg Ostertag, and Jon Gruden (honestly, when is he not in rumor?). But when it came down to the two finalists, well, they weren’t who you’d expect.

“We’re surprised this was as secret a process as it is,” said Hudson, “We literally told Steve Schefter last week who we were hiring, so hopefully people would stop sending us their resumes. One guy sent us a glitter bomb covered in blue paint--that was not fun. But of course, Steve has his ‘penchant for mystery,’ and since our PR team has only just now figured out how photoshop works, we’ve had to wait til today to release our decision to the Dynosteve world... and whoever else in this world cares about the league. Probably crackheads. Was that wrong to say? Whatever, I don’t care, I’m rich.”

After a lengthy chat with the on-hand HR rep, Hudson revealed to us the two finalists. First, the failed finalist... Steve Nash.

Basketball player? Alien in disguise? WHO CARES?! He didn’t make it as Nickelsnatcher coach, so back to irrelevancy, Mr. Nash.

Apparently, Steve Nash was just too nice, and despite a well mapped out plan for success, GORP just didn’t see any killer potential within him. They saw a bunch of wins, but nothing come playoff time. The Nickelsnatchers are well acquainted with Mediocrity, as evidenced by their second time in the bracket (with an even better record than last year, though that apparently did nothing to salvage Golden’s career).

So, they sent Nash back up to Saskatchewan, or wherever it was he came from, and hired their new man...

HAYMITCH GOLDEN

Official Photo Release for the KAI New Coach announcement. Photo credit Associated Press.

“We at GORP were blown away by Haymitch’s history of success,” said new spokesperson Clay Aiken, replacing Jennifer Hudson, who is now pending internal review. “Not only had he successfully won a Hunger Games as a coach for literally the worst district, but he also organized a wildly victorious coup against a futuristic dictatorship with a moody teenage girl as a figurehead. And all while drunk, too! This guy bleeds success--literally, on top of his resume, his blood type is A+. We’re thrilled to have him, and hope that he finally ends Gakusei Kai’s streak of being... invisible.”

GAKUSEI KAI, LOS ANGELES -- Previously reported by Steve Schefter, sources have now confirmed that founding Owner, GM, and Coach of the Gakusei Kai Nickelsnatchers, Mitchell Golden, has been ousted by the majority shareholders in the team midway through their most recent drubbing by the San Antonio Severe Weather Warnings. 

“After three seasons, we really couldn’t wait any longer for ‘The Process’ to take place,” said one member of the Shadow Organization Ownership, “He’s our Sam Hinkie, we’re ready for our Bryan Colangelo. And if Bryan Colangelo ends up not working out for the 76ers, we’ll fire the next guy and hire someone new. Of course, one step at a time, people.”

A copy of the termination letter sent to Mitchell Golden.

When asked how Golden could be removed from the ownership of his own team, the Shadow Organization’s PR rep, Jennifer Hudson, elaborated:

“He sold a significant share of the team for cash so he could buy some salt water taffy--apparently he was going on some vacation or something--and then sold more of the team so he could buy a pair of custom-made platform shoes he literally never wears. When you combine that with the Mario Kart private lessons, the buckets of neapolitan ice cream, and that ice chewing rehab center, Mr. Golden used his Nickelsnatchers shares as a personal ATM one too many times, and lost majority ownership of his team.”

Golden was escorted out at roughly 10:15PM EST, after which he was given a ride to an airport, where he was left beside a plane that was instructed to take off without him. No one has seen him since.