#draft2018

Cursed is the head that rocks so loudly,

So loudly that rest is the only calm.

Not what I love.

Cursed are the naysayers, those who say nay

To my promise, my future, hopes and dreams alike.

53 is unobtainable.

I don’t believe so.

Cursed are those who refused me the respect

Of a starter, yet also the courtesy of a rookie.

I love taxis.

But most cursed, the most cursed of all, are

The friends who claimed my well-being at

Heart, only to stab it in the most painful way.

Goodbye Ben.

30th STREET, LOS ANGELES -- Though many players, execs and pundits are waiting on the Dynosteve draft to end before sharing their opinions, one Nickelsnatcher simply couldn’t hold in his excitement when KAI made a surprise move up to pick their 4th young quarterback, Josh Rosen.

“You never know what Haymitch is going to do on draft day,” said expected starter Marcus Mariota, “It seems like he’s always got something cooking; if we have a draft pick given to us on Sunday, you can be sure it will be in someone else’s hands by Monday. Dude has no patience whatsoever. Pretty sure that’s a character flaw.”

After about ten more minutes bashing on his GM, who he called “the worst,” “a notorious joke-killer,” and “god fucking damnit his show better come out before that baby does,” he finally moved on to what he meant to say about Josh Rosen.

“Oh yeah,” the Hawaiian Delight remembered, “Rosen, and why I’m excited. Right. I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it? Now that we have 4 QBs, we can finally field a Family Feud team!”

This was all a shock to Mariota, who days ago felt he had a firm grasp on the KAI starting QB job, as well as a long way to go before realizing he true dream of playing a whimsical game with Steve Harvey. “I mean yeah, two days ago I for sure felt confident about my job. Jameis is all promise, no performance, and the next closest thing we had to a QB on our roster was Duke Johnson, who threw a gadget play literally once in his career. But then Haymitch picked Baker Mayfield, and I thought, ‘Uh oh, maybe this could happen.’ And then happen it did. I’m thrilled”

When asked about their Family Feud filled future, the other KAI Quarterbacks had the following to say:

Jameis Winston: “Come on man, I barely know how to spell ‘Feud’. You expect me to help win it? Oh wait--this is a show where you have to guess the most common slang words for penis? I’ve got this!”

Baker Mayfield: “The first day I visited the clubhouse on 30th Street, I expected to receive a playbook, maybe an honorary jersey or something. Nope. Marcus instead gave me a colorful buttondown, a Guinness Book of World Records, and a list of things ‘Never to Say to Steve Harvey.’ Goddamnit--and I thought it was bad being on the Browns.”

Josh Rosen: “It’s true, I don’t care about football at all, and do plan on flaming out like Matt Leinart and transitioning to a cushy commentary career after barely playing a down. Wait? What was the question? Oh, Family Feud. Sure, it’d be fun I guess."

Sadly, after reaching the end of the interview, a reporter informed Mariota that Family Feud members require five members, not four. To which Mariota replied, “Ah fuck!”

Joseph Noteboom Defensive Tackle  Texas Christian University

Brian Allen Center  Michigan State University  

 John Franklin  Defensive Line  Stephen F. Austin State University

Micah Kiser Linebacker  University of Virginia 

Ogbonnia Okoronkwo Linebacker Oklahoma University 

John Kelly Running Back  University of Tennessee 

Jamil  Demby Defensive Guard University of Maine 

Sebastian Joseph  Nose Tackle Rutgers University 

Trevon Young Outside Linebacker University of  Louisville 

Travin Howard Linebacker Texas Christian  University