#fourteenth entry

Dear diary,

I just woke up and I don't even know why.

Anyways. I forgot to write down what happened on the 3rd after I went to the coffeeshop and stuff. So here we go:

I went to the coffeeshop and ordered a vanilla chai latte and a mini brownie.

I sat down on a table for one and took out the Percy Jackson book out of my bag. Then the lady which I ordered the stuff from brought it too me and I said thanks. She seemed really nice.. Or she just had to since I'm a customer. I sipped the vanilla chai latte and immediately remembered the first time I've drank this drink with Naomi. And that was also the first time we discovered that coffeeshop. Those were some good memories. Oh. The brownie tasted a little bit different then what I am used to eat. It was more soft and chocolate-y. Was still delicious though.

I think I stayed for one or two hours in the coffeeshop (cuz I was reading and stuff).

Then after I left I immediately felt chills going down my spine. I was dressed up a little bit too light so I quickened my walk to the tram-station a little bit. When I got out of the tram I was on the main square of the city. I tried to visit as many shops as possible because it was hella cold man.

Then finally. I got really hungry and thought about which fast-food restaurant I should visit to please my hunger. I thought about going to Nordic sea or whatever the name was but there were too many people which made me really anxious so I went to McDonald's to see if there are too many people. And to my surprise, there actually were much less people than I imagined. So I ordered one fish-burger (don't judge my taste it's delish) and went outside to find a place to sit and eat on.

Once I found one.. My social anxiety hit once again.. I was trying to convince myself "Oh come on Coffee. There's nothing wrong with eating on a bench alone. A lot people do this so why the fuck shouldn't you do it." Then I checked out Snapchat. And out of my curiosity I opened up the geo-map thingy where you sometimes can see where a person from your friend's list is located. And there was this dude (which was one of the people that were bullying me back in middle school). He was really freaking close. I just hoped that if he'd really see me he wouldn't recognize me because of my hair. (I used to have long brown hair but now I have middle-lenght bleach blonde ones.) And that made me even more uncomfortable. So I tried to finish the food as fast as possible and get the heck out of there.

Once I did my father finally called me that he was on his way to pick me up so I sat down in the tram to reach the main train-station (where my father picks me up).

He picked me up and I immediately felt how tired I was. I wanted to sleep and eat and I had a really strong headache.

My whole body just screamed that it wanted rest.

I wanted to cry.

My father noticed it and asked me "U tired?"

"Yes, hella."

"Haha nope you won't sleep rn it's still too early."

Then turns on the jazz-radio station reallllly loud and steered around so the car went left and right rapidly.

I honestly thought my father was going to kill me.

After that we finally arrived home.

I ate some food and went to bed straight away.

The 4th of January. Midnight:

Long story short. Us angsty teens were crying for several hours cuz I felt really depressed and Samurai was saying stupid shit like he's going to kill himself and I told him that if he'll do it then I'll do it too. Which he apparently took as a joke even though I was 100% serious. And the same would go to Naomi. If she ever killed herself I'd do too.

What would be the point in living if the people that keep you alive disappeared.

They're literally keeping me alive.

Because... When the three of us weren't such good friends, it was hard staying alive. I had no purpose or reason to stay. And once I was even close to cut myself...

But then we got to be really good friends and then I started to feel more alive again. Of course it didn't cure my depression or stuff but. I can tell that I feel much better because of them.

I love my friends so much. And I never ever want something to happen to them.

After all that I fell asleep again.

Then I woke up at 7-ish something and... I still felt the pain and dread from last night. It was a horrible feeling. I think you can also see that on the post I posted on the 4th.

I actually wanted to study but.. I felt too mentally exhausted for that. So I tried to cheer myself up a little bit by drawing something or stuff.. My artblock finally disappeared so I can draw again.

That day I started to work on the collab of one good internet friend and me (which coincidentally lives pretty near). And I just love the way she draws. Her line-art is so beautiful and planned through. It's so clean that it doesn't have one single mistake. I didn't work on it for long though cuz it was getting pretty late.

5th of January (9:32):

I wake up at (time shown above). Idk how I was able to wake up that early cuz I fell asleep at 5.

So. When I was emotionally exhausted the day before I napped a little bit. And I've dreamed that I was baking banana cookies. And when I woke up and told that Samurai and Naomi I was like "Yoooo I gotta bake those cookies tomorrow."

And so I did.

I wanted those to be banana chocolate-chip cookies though so I had to go to the store nearby to buy chocolate-chips.

I took the longer route so I could enjoy the peace while listening to some calming music. And I really felt at peace in that moment. No dreadful feelings, no guilt, no worries. Just lightness and peacefulness.

Once I arrived in the store I took the chocolate-chips. Some buns and one cola. (Not coca-cola though. That garbage tastes like shit.) It's the same cola brand which I drank over at Naomi's place. I'm actually a cola hater and thought that cola in general was garbage until I tasted the cola of that brand. It was less sweet and didn't give your teeth that disgusting sticky feeling. So I was really shook once I tasted it. Like WOW THERE'S ACTUALLY COLA THAT TASTES GOOD???

And Samurai and Naomi were kinda shook when they saw me chug down quite a lot of it.

"Coffee. R u ok. U used to hate cola."

Wellp. Yes I still hate coca-cola or Pepsi but this brand is on a much higher level man.

Then I went out of the store. Took the shorter route this time. And got home.

I was eating breakfast and after that I started to make the cookies.

They came out really well and taste amazeeeee.

Soooo here's the recipe:

1/2 cup of sugar (which is quite a lot so I took 1/3 cup of sugar instead)

1/3 warm butter

1 big egg (or 2 small eggs)

2 blended bananas

Vanilla extract (I also added some banana aroma)

1 cup of flour

1 bag of vanilla sugar

One pinch of salt

1 teaspoon of baking powder

First you gotta mix the sugar with the butter until it's fluffy.

Then beat in the eggs, blended banana's, vanilla extract and (optional) banana aroma.

Then take a separate bowl and mix the flour, vanilla sugar, salt and baking powder.

Then slowly add the flour-mix to the banana-mixture.

Stir in the chocolate-chips

Voilaaaa the cookie dough is ready.

Then just. Bake it.

(So when I put the cookie dough on the tray it was a little bit goo-y so I recommend to additionally add 4 teaspoons of flour.)

The taste amaze ;v;

So once I finished baking the cookies I went to the living room to drink some tea with my dad.

Thennn I went into my room to work on the collab piece. Which took me several hours.

Thennnnnnn I felt sleepy and napped a little bit. And had one of the spookiest nightmares I've ever dreamed.

I don't wanna explain it again so I'll just copy it from the group-chat:

Oh god I just had a nightmare... So basically. There was some kind of huge party in my town and allota people went there. I was participating there too for some reason. And once it ended my parents called me and said that they're working and were not home so I gotta sleep over my ex-best friends house... It was really spoopy.. My ex best friend looked like Natsuki (a character from doki doki literature club) for some kind of reason. And she was sleeping while I was looking at her pinboard.. To get a little nostalgic. It used to be decorated cutely which was the case in my dream too. But.... then there was this paper where stood this: "I hope you die I hope you die I hope you die I hope you die..." And the last sentence was "too bad that you're dead already" Then I turned around and my best friend was awake. But it looked like she was possessed by something. She looked fucking creepy and corrupted (still in her natsuki form) And she held a knife in her hand and then ran to my direction and stabbed me.

SHE WAS BASICALLY A 3D VERSION OF JUMPSCARE NATSUKI WITH THAT FUCKING WIDE ASS GRIN AHHH

It was a horrible dream.

Pffd then I said "Man imma go look at some porn to calm myself."

Well. By calm myself I didn't mean touching myself or stuff. Just looking at ur otp being all kinky and cute is therapeutic.

Thennn I fell asleep.

And then woke up at 6:35 yeet.

Today me and my family will visit another family which was friends with my parents for a pretty long time. I didn't see them for pretty long so I bet the kids have grown up a bit. OHHHH AND THE CAT MAN. I MISSED THE FAT CUTE FLUFFY CAT.

Today should be a good day. I think.

China then proceeds to be someone who has a working computer.

Berlin, Germany 11:30 PM CEST

The lights of a house glowed steadily into the dark street. Inside, two men were wide awake, working in their own ways.

One of these men, the one with the unknown secrets, entered his study, switching on the lights as he entered. He made his way to his desk and sat down, reclining a bit to calm his nerves. Being awake at these hours was not an unusual activity for him. Work was also one of this priorities and staying up late was common for the amount of paperwork he received.

Speaking with priorities, this man didn't even need to show his name to introduce himself.

His name is LUDWIG BELISCHMDIT. However, his last name was always in question so he is also addressed as BUNDESREPUBLIC DEUTSCHLAND, DEUTSCHLAND, or GERMANY. He is known for BEING LOYAL TO THE RULES, a PERFECTIONIST, and VERY BUSINESS LIKE. However, Germany has trouble socially and CAN BE SEEN AS PESSIMISTIC or FATHERLY by younger females. He usually seeks guidance from GUIDES and MANUALS. Germany can however be very sweet at times because of his LOVE OF DOGS and SWEET-MAKING. He has TROUBLE RELAXING at times and DRINKS A LOT WHEN VERY ANGRY (note: speaking German doesn't count as angry*).

Thinking back on his introduction, Germany wondered what he forgot. Oh, yes. His pesterchum name. His bruder had helped him make it willingly despite being a bit upset when he wasn't allowed to play along. Wondering what was done, he sat down at his desk and activated his OPERATION FETCH MODUS, which he had activated earlier with his WRENCHKIND STRIFE SPECIBUS. After a few deep breaths, Germany started to slowly pull out the laptop-like object from the board. As he pulled it out, his (1)LAPTOP appeared in his hands.

Placing it in the table, Germany opened it and went over to his pesterchum account. He would most likely have to contact America first. After all, this was his game. As he was about to click on a chat with America, he noticed something unusually. Looking closely, he realized something that immediately made him start a chat with Japan instead.

--germanWurst began pestering japaneseOtaku-- JO: Herro, Germany-san. JO: I was just tarking to Itary-kun. JO: Germany-san?

Germany was slightly shaking in anger and annoyance. He was barely able to contain his frustration.

GW: I apologize, Japan. GW: I just... Can't... Get over... JO: Germany-san, are you alright?

He heard a slight creaking sound from behind him and ignored it. An albino man came into the room and, noticing Germany was on the computer, went over and began to read over his shoulder.

GW: Japan, do you knov hov to change the pesterchum name? GW: Mein dumkopf bruder made mein und I can't seem to change it.

Germany heard a snort from the watching man.

GW: It's irritating me very much. JO: I don't see anything wrong with your name. JO: Courd you terr me why it's making you so mad? GW: I don't vant my name to be symbolized by a piece of meat.

"Hey! You shouldn't say that about wurst! It's pretty awesome after all!" Germany recoiled, pushing the man's face away.

"Don't scream in my ear, bruder!"

The albino puffed out his chest. "Excuuuuuse me, West? Did you just talk back to your older brother dearest? The mighty, awesome Prussia?"

Germany glared. "Please let me work. I'm speaking with Japan."

Prussia grinned. "Oh really?" The albino pulled out an iPhone and began typing. Germany sighed as his brother wandered towards the door before returning to his screen. For a moment, he stared at confusion.

"Did... I write that?" No, he was positively sure he didn't.

JO: Ah, good point. GW: JAPAN!!! JO: Germany-san? GW: JA ITS ME THE BIG MUSCLEHEAD

"Musclehead?" Germany stared in confusion, trying to put together what was going on.

GW: ICH LIEBE MEIN PESTERCHUM HEIßE

"Wait..."

GW: UND MEIN BRUDER IS AWESOME

Germany bolted up in his seat. "BRUDER!" He heard the scuffling of feet from down the hall and ran towards it. There, Prussia was running, thumbs tapping on his iPhone as he used his brother's pesterchum account. Germany caught up, grabbed Prussia's phone, and pulled it away from him.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Such disrespect! Don't treat your older bruder this way!"

"DUMKOPF!"

"Give me my phone!"

"NEIN!"

"Hey look! Ita-chan isn't wearing pants again!"

Germany turned his head. "ITALIA! WHAT DID I SAY-" Prussia grabbed the phone and typed something in before Germany jumped for him again, narrowly missing him. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

Prussia chuckled as he ran out of the room. "I changed your pesterchum name since you didn't like the first one~" He called back, his eyes still on his phone.

Germany growled but straightened himself up. This was getting no where. What was he even thinking? Sometimes his brother was too much for him...

He returned to his study, sitting at his desk and reading over the conversation. Germany was only expecting as much as his brother.

JO: Germany-san? Is everything ok? GW: THE ONLY PROBLEM IS IM NOT AS AWESOME AS MEIN BRUDER GW: HE IS SO AWESOME I COWER IN FEAR GW: I JUST WANT TO AEXSGEFTIGMTON,P JO: Germany-san, are you arright now?

His blood ran cold. He didn't. He wouldn't. Prussia didn't dare.

germanWurst changed his name to germanCakemaker

"PREUßEN!"

Hiding in his closet, Prussia could hear Germany's roar. He silently typed Japan a reply before closing the app.

JO:... GC: VERDAMMIT

((*Germanic languages sound like they're yelling.))

The worst thing about Topdeck tours, is the fact that they are so fast paced. We were already leaving Paris and heading to Lauterbrunnen in Switzerland. I mean, there are worse things that could happen on a tour, nothing wrong with fast pace touristing. 

Today was going to be a particularly horrible day though, 12 hours on the bus. Its roughly a 650 km drive, and then add in all the stops we had to take. We didn't end arriving in Lauterbrunnen valley until 7:30/8pm. Where we grabbed our bags, found our cabins (that we didn't need keys for because this place is basically the safest place on the planet and no one was going to steal our anything here), did a quick outfit change and headed to the Topdeck cook tent for dinner. Swiss cheese fondue and roast pork. Yum. Thats probably the best thing about Topdeck tours, at a few destinations they have cook tents where Topdeck staff make all the meals for you and they are always amazing. 

After an amazing feast, we all went to the bar at the camp site. Lauterbrunnen should definitely be on everyones list of 'Places to go'. This valley is so beautiful and peaceful. I could very easily move here in a year or two. The camp we stayed at, Schutzenbach camping, is at the further end of town, though saying that, its literally a 10 minute walk to the other side where the train station is. 

After a cider and some weird butterscotch vodka shot the boys made me have, I wanted to go look at the stars. This was my first opportunity in Europe because everywhere else had been spoilt by light pollution. I'm so glad I decided to do this, it was a clear night and the stars were out in all their glory. I must have been lying on the cold, wet ground for at least 15 minutes, when I stumbled back to the bar, I had to share this moment with someone.

And Chris was that someone. He was basically the first person I saw, he also saw me come running out of the dark, pointing at the sky. 

'HI, do you want to come look at the stars with me, they look great'

'YES' Chris then skipped off into the dark, I quickly followed suit. And yes, he did actually skip. 

When I caught up to him, he as fast, he was already lying exactly where I had been, so I plonked down next to him. But the clouds had rolled in already. Must be something to do with the mountains. So we chatted, about muse, his sisters and how he learnt to skip so good, the fact that we missed watching HIMYM, his love for Vampire Diaries. This guy was hilarious, I remembering mentally telling myself to get to know this one better.