#foreversorry

But cost everything

I won, I got the man. But at what cost, you ask? I broke someone else in the process. The pain I live with daily cannot be comparable to hers but it’s there nonetheless. I just didn’t know or fully understand the whole situation. I wanted to know. I begged her to speak with me on it, and when she wouldn't I attacked her. What does that make me? A monster? Maybe. I am a sorry one if that matters. I should have been more understanding when she didn’t want to talk to me then. Would I want to speak to the woman I was losing my love to? No way. He doesn’t care. He thinks I am silly for caring. All I can say is I truly am sorry; sorry for the names, the jokes, the hate. It was not warranted and I wouldn’t wanted to be treated that way. I hope you are doing well, these years later. I hope some day you find the man of your dreams just like I found mine. 

I’m sorry

six word love story.

Why do people lie? Why does anyone lie? We were taught at a young age to tell the truth that lying is bad. We learned right from wrong and we learned that telling the truth is right and lying is wrong. Yet we still lie. We have told lies throughout our life and you would think we would have learned that lying never solves the problem and doesn't make things better. Lying only hurts others and if we have a heart it makes us feel guilty, which is an awful, terrible feeling to feel. Knowing you hurt the ones you love, and you never intended t hurt them or wanted to hurt them. It hurts to know that you were the one that hurt them. You never would expect to be the one to hurt them, you always thought that you would be the one protecting them from getting hurt and comforting them when they have been hurt. It’s like this feeling of you're heart sinking so low inside of you like its slowly falling and when it hits the bottom it dies. I’m not sure whats worse, being hurt by the one you love or hurting the one you love....I think it would be hurting the one you love. You will adapt to being hurt and learn to let it be part of your drive and strength to keep going because you don’t deserve to feel that hurt and things will get better. If you hurt the one you love, you live with that, knowing they are hurting, you made them cry and feel this terrible pain. They may never forgive you, it might help if you forgive yourself for the mistake you made but if you really love and care about that person and they don’t forgive you for you're mistake its hard to forgive yourself because then I think well i deserve it, i did this to them so i deserve to feel this pain of guilt and sadness and be upset and angry with myself for doing that to them and for causing this pain on myself as well. I hurt so bad on the inside its like its not enough pain for me,I’m so mad at upset with myself I feel like i need to feel more pain. I picture myself laying in a forest with tall trees surrounding me as i lay on the cold forest ground that is covered in snow, and as i look up there is a big enough opening in the trees that i can see the white and gray sky above me dropping little snowflakes to the earth. Just laying there feeling the my hands and feet become colder and it start to move up my arms and legs, my hair becoming covered in snow, feeling it just barley touch my ears. Then soon I feel my whole body is cold and I’m shivering, feeling my hands and feet begin to hurt from the cold. Then i start thinking to myself why am i doing this, I only made a mistake, I’m only human. Thinking about getting up and going back to my car and driving home but instead I stay there and close my eyes....I feel tears start move down the side of my face. I think about the pain I put the ones I love through and I feel the hurt all over again, my heart sinking again inside of me. I think about getting up because the pain hurts so much and I just want it to end. It hurts so much, my heart aches like an animal that has been hurt and needs to be put out of its misery. I think about what I did and I laugh at myself at how stupid I am and how much I hate myself for doing it and seeing where I am now. I think about wanting to feel more pain physically because the pain inside hurts so much. Maybe I’ll go see if there is some underground fighting thing I could get into and have someone beat me up and make me look as bad as i feel on the inside. After the fight I would think about how I basically push people away almost like I don’t want them to love me because I don’t even love me. How could anyone possibly love me? What could they possibly see in me ? I don’t even love me so how is it possible that someone could love me? I start to think about how its like I had this plan all along but didn't really know about it, like I was protecting myself and I didn’t even know it. A plan to lie and hurt the ones I love because I was afraid that they would end up hurting me, so instead I ended up hurting them without even realizing what I was doing. All I wish...is to go back and start over. Saying sorry will never be enough and I don’t know how else to show that I am so deeply sorry. I wish I could go back and change it and fix everything. Because what I feared, I created.