#foolserrand

“Stop longing. You poison today’s ease, reaching always for tomorrow.” ― Robin Hobb, Fool's Errand

Last night I was up, a lot. Thoughts filled my head.. were they anxious? Maybe... but they serve their purpose as I prepare for another change I had not planned for but something I must do if I ever want to get to where I’m headed: happiness. 

When I broke away from the cycle that had me so desperately UNhappy, I did it because I owed it to myself to TRY to carve out something else, something better and I owed it to the little girl that had hoped and dreamed the world for me. 

The thing I didn’t realize is that once you start down a path of great change, you become awakened to so much that you can no longer “let slide” the things you would have as your previous self AND this sets you on a journey that seems never-loving-ending. 

Of course, I knew things would not be easy, how could they be when I’d be building my life, and my self again from the pieces that fell around me and the new ones I’d pick up on my pilgrimage to ??? Happiness... I think.

There have been happy, joyous, wonderful moments in my life I wish I had bottled so I could take them like a shot just to remind myself that they do exist and that all this is worth it.

I’m tired... of growth, learning, boundary setting and resetting, and of making changes. I’m angry, so angry at the terrible people I have come and continue to come across in life and the way they’ve grabbed onto me and drained me, and hurt me with no consequence to them. I’m exhausted and I want a break but, as always, the universe has other plans. 

Plans that I’m excited for. Plans that are unfolding that I have laid the groundwork for. I keep telling myself “It’s not time to rest, it’s time to work.” It’s time to dream and move in the world the way I was meant to do. It’s time to support that little girl and the woman you are today to realize the hopes and dreams they’ve held in their heart.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wondered, often, if I’ve spent too much time longing for something that may not even exist for me. I can’t explain it, but I don’t feel like I’m where I’m meant to be, yet. This can’t be it. 

When I get “there” maybe I will find that happiness IS just an illusion and this is as good as it gets for me, OR and hear me out... maybe, just maybe, I will find the happiness and love that I so deserve. Maybe I’ll start to move in the world with grace, freedom and joy and for that I will continue reaching for tomorrow, today, and everyday I will be the Fool. 

thank-you for reading my ramblings! love ya!

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Up.

Down.

Spin.

Twist.

Juggle.

Taunt.

Joke.

Repeat.

Applause erupted over his audio sensors as he stood on his digits and servos, signaling the end of his programmed show. The court was filled with people, all of royal or well-bred walks of life seated entranced on the cushioned benches of the cathedral-like hall. Light cascaded down from the patterned glass roof in rainbows of color, sending natural spotlights down on the floor’s sole occupant. The android Jester’s bells jingled slightly as he moved into a low sweeping bow, practically brushing the white, tan, brown and gold mosaic of tiles beneath him. A smile spread over his silver face as he accepted the praise, springing back upright with a soft whir to face the court and its visitors.

“You are too kind to a poor fool! It has been a pleasure.”

With another flourished bow, he rotated on his chassis, bending over halfway only to spring back from his digits and land just outside the redwood doors. 

Just as he had done so many times before. 

He gave one last bow to the court, his optical sensors drifting over the extravagant attire of the Counsel and guests. He had done this so many times before, his program a perfect dance of coded performance and perfection from one show to the next. 

Then...

Why did it seem he had messed a calculation, missed a crucial command?

Were his sensors faulty?

The doors slammed shut sealing him away from the eyes of his audience as he turned, a spring in his step as he headed down the ornate gilded halls. 

Perhaps he could wander the castle grounds a bit more today, as long as he was allowed out without a handler. He still hadn’t mapped the Under--

A sharp reminder flashed red over his vision, causing him to stutter a step. 

:ALERT: System Diagnostics and External repairs required. Report to Handlers immediately. 

Interesting.

He flicked through his memory logs, frowning at the lack of previous alerts. We’re his logs malfunctioning? No. No, he would have been summoned to the lab much earlier if that were the case. 

He couldn’t process why he wouldn’t have been alerted previously though. 

Nevermind. The Underways could wait.

The Chancelor’s orders were primary. 

With a quick twist he redirected his steps, heading towards the north point of the castle and the Technosage’s laboratories. Each point of the Clockwork castle was for certain things, many of which were restricted from his access. The Chancelor’s Chambers was one on the east, the king’s chambers were the western point... Even if they were out of use since the king’s disapearance. The other points he hadn’t found the time to map yet. 

He let a smile rest on his metallic features, the spring in his steps returning. 

He would though, little by little. What fun would that be!

The mechanical Jester quickened his pace, the ornate walls of the castle changing to bookshelves and bare stone walls. The intricate designs of the carpeted floors gave way to threadbare wool as he approached the door to the labs. He made his way over to the metal cylinder beside the notched and singed blackwood doors. His optics grazed over the familiar etchings of circuits and books along the wooden surface, noting one of the carvings had been scratched out as he lay a servo on the metal surface. 

He filed the information away for later review. 

A bright blue light lit up the underside of the surface, flickering over his extended limb, requesting access permissions. His diamond shaped external circuits flashed, supplying the summons. The device gave a cheery beep. 

Access granted. 

With a gentle push he opened the doors to the lab, his scanners flickering on for the briefest moment to analyze the room. Large, wall-to-ceiling bookcases lined the walls, leaving spares patches of the shone walls visible. The carpets had long ago been burnt away to nothing, leaving only a carpet-shaped black singe for its memorial. A single mirror, miraculously untouched, rested against the farthest bookshelves, several discarded pieces of robotic shell laying haphazardly beside it. At the center of the room sat a metal table, scuffed and dented, but still intact. Several pieces of techno-reading tablets connected to the bands around the table, along with other instruments to fix and repair androidic beings. 

Like him. 

He felt his cooling system rise and fall, the skittering ping of... something flickering in his circuits. It was exactly the same as the day of his activation, save for a few now broken pieces of equipment, technology, and one of the bookshelves now reduced to ash. 

At least the books had been spared. The kingdom couldn’t risk another tragedy 

The jester slipped into the space, shutting the door after him with a condemning thud. Something was making his sensors react strangely, but he forced it down, making his way over to the table with a robotic smile. He hopped up onto the cold surface, his textile and temperature sensors in his servos making his joints recoil slightly. He frowned, settling himself against the backrest of the examination table.

It was strange for his handler to be out of his workshop. The Technosage never left his place. 

He shifted in his spot, moving his attention to the mirror. He let his processor slow, scanning over his reflection. He wasn’t sure why, but he did so anyway. 

It was something to do, and for that he was grateful.

His digital blue optics stared back at him, the lighter center of them a mirror of human pupils, better to tell where he directed his attention. His silver outer casing was decorated here and there with white and periwinkle panels, each highlighting the diamond-shaped glowing external circuits. The whole of his casing reflected his place as the court jester, even to the addition of his grey puffy trousers, jester collar, jester’s hat, and the partial sleeves on his arms. Granted, the sleeves themselves left his shoulder joints, forearms, and servos exposed, thus keeping his flexibility at peak performance without the risk of catching on the showy fabric. 

He was created to perform, after all. 

The jester allowed his systems to slow into standby mode, his cranium resting against the cool metal of the table. 

It was unlike his handlers to be late. Typically, he was the one to arrive late, often prompting a swift punishment for his tardiness. 

A cold response flickered over his circuits as the memory of electricity and reprograming flickered over his processor, even though his systems were not cold. 

He dismissed the log.

At that moment, his proximity sensors pinged him, drawing his attention. The doors to the lab creaked open once more, allowing an older man and two armored knights to enter. The jester felt his joints tense up. 

The Technosage and his handlers had arrived. 

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Preface

Hi! I made a pilot comic for my BFA show/portfolio! While I gave away physical copies at our reception, you can read it RIGHT HERE!

If you made it this far, thank you!