Love Is Zen

“Stop longing. You poison today’s ease, reaching always for tomorrow.” ― Robin Hobb, Fool's Errand

Last night I was up, a lot. Thoughts filled my head.. were they anxious? Maybe... but they serve their purpose as I prepare for another change I had not planned for but something I must do if I ever want to get to where I’m headed: happiness. 

When I broke away from the cycle that had me so desperately UNhappy, I did it because I owed it to myself to TRY to carve out something else, something better and I owed it to the little girl that had hoped and dreamed the world for me. 

The thing I didn’t realize is that once you start down a path of great change, you become awakened to so much that you can no longer “let slide” the things you would have as your previous self AND this sets you on a journey that seems never-loving-ending. 

Of course, I knew things would not be easy, how could they be when I’d be building my life, and my self again from the pieces that fell around me and the new ones I’d pick up on my pilgrimage to ??? Happiness... I think.

There have been happy, joyous, wonderful moments in my life I wish I had bottled so I could take them like a shot just to remind myself that they do exist and that all this is worth it.

I’m tired... of growth, learning, boundary setting and resetting, and of making changes. I’m angry, so angry at the terrible people I have come and continue to come across in life and the way they’ve grabbed onto me and drained me, and hurt me with no consequence to them. I’m exhausted and I want a break but, as always, the universe has other plans. 

Plans that I’m excited for. Plans that are unfolding that I have laid the groundwork for. I keep telling myself “It’s not time to rest, it’s time to work.” It’s time to dream and move in the world the way I was meant to do. It’s time to support that little girl and the woman you are today to realize the hopes and dreams they’ve held in their heart.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wondered, often, if I’ve spent too much time longing for something that may not even exist for me. I can’t explain it, but I don’t feel like I’m where I’m meant to be, yet. This can’t be it. 

When I get “there” maybe I will find that happiness IS just an illusion and this is as good as it gets for me, OR and hear me out... maybe, just maybe, I will find the happiness and love that I so deserve. Maybe I’ll start to move in the world with grace, freedom and joy and for that I will continue reaching for tomorrow, today, and everyday I will be the Fool. 

thank-you for reading my ramblings! love ya!