#flyest

Sebastian was everything, but not the strict part amongst the two of you, and even Anne’s friends were aware of that. They all remembered that one time when they got invited back at your place for Anna’s birthday two years ago and ended up staying up all night playing video games with Sebastian in the living room while you were getting worried sick calls from their parents explaining to each and every one of them that their children do not want to get home yet because the almighty Sebastian Vettel is teaching them how to play on the Racing Simulator he bought for Anne when she was twelve and wanted to be “just like father”. 

“Oh jeez.” You muttered, waving your little goodbyes to Anne who you immediately saw wrapping her hands around the boy she liked in a timid hug, “Cut her some slack – it is just the movies.” You added, giving an inquiring look to Sebastian whose glare was trying to pierce the said boy through the car’s window, “It is just a hug!” You amusingly continued, touching Sebastian’s chin with your fingers to retract his view from Anne to you – which he did right away as he felt the warmness of your touch on him. 

That took you by surprise for no reason whatsoever (it was not for the very first time when Sebastian Vettel looked down on you with worried shimmery eyes) and your heart skipped in a short and quick leap almost as your daughter’s chest when her crush started to walk closer to her rather than their other friends through the cinema’s entry. With a softened gaze and a heavy sigh, Sebastian buried his chin into your palm searching for maybe something more than just relief and support – looking for the familiarness within your touch in the vagueness of your relationship.

Your chest sunk as your ex-husband’s eyes closed for a while, “I know – I am panicking for no reason.” Sebastian then added, giving you a quick kiss on the inside of your palm before retracing his chin from there, “Thank you for bringing me back to earth.” Vettel uttered; lips close to your skin. 

You chuckled just like back in high school. Divorced or not, still in love or not, just co-parenting or not – Sebastian’s kisses always managed to make you giggle as if you two were still teenagers. Oh, and how much complications do Seb’s kisses bring into your life – again, and again, and again. You wanted to push him away, you wanted to be able to see him as just Anne’s father, as your ex and sort of your friend and nothing more. And yet, that was quite impossible. You shared most of your life with him, and sometimes the way in which Sebastian’s touches made you shiver after more than two decades still, you had this deepen feeling caged inside your chest that you two share more than life itself.

Rubbing your palm with two fingers you leaned back into your chair, “I need you to stop doing this.” You breathlessly almost sobbed, looking anywhere else but not back into Sebastian’s eyes. 

Sebastian figured out right away what you were referring to as the taste of your skin engraved still on the top of his lips started to fade and oh, how much and for how long Sebastian would have desired for it not to go away. Not now, not three years ago, not never. Your ex-husband nodded, “I know.” He shortly spoke, “I am sorry – force of habit.” He bittersweetly apologized as the engine started and hands gripped around the steering wheel turning left in the parking lot instead of right to the exit of it – snatching you completely away from the thoughts that were running inside of your head.  

“What are you do-“ You wanted to ask, seeing how Sebastian was now looking for a parking spot instead of getting out on the street, “Oh no.” You chuckled, instantly figuring out what he was cooking inside the back of his mind, “Don’t tell me that you are planning on spying on our daughter.” You straight up mocked him at this point, watching Sebastian now as he was parking the car and getting ready to zoom out of it in any moment. 

“Not just I.” Sebastian articulated, “We.” He then stated, getting out of the car, and speeding his steps towards your door to open it, “What about a classic Sebastian and Y/N mess around?” Your ex-husband then winked, offering his hand for you to grab to get out of the car and rush to the cinema’s entrance.

You shook your head as you laughed but like in any other situations of classing mess-arounds with him, you firmly took Sebastian’s hand and joined him like you always had done in the past and like you will always will until eternity holds no matter your relationship, and the complications of it all.   

The classic Sebastian and Y/N mess around was one of your things and has been always one of your rituals, inside-jokes since you were in high school just like Anne. Sebastian would always come with sly little plans of spying your teachers, parents’, and friends to get something out of it – test answers, unshared secrets, messy gossips, and whatnots. 

somewhere in the past

The first time you two did this was back when you were stressing about your biology test in your junior year. Back then, you and Sebastian were just friends, sharing the same old bench in the back of the class, kicking legs underneath the desk, and slightly touching knees. You had not kissed yet, but the chemistry was there and everyone around you teased your friendship and thought of it as being something more than just shy giggles and stolen glances across the class, parties or even community gatherings. You denied it countless times, and yet both of you were aware of the feelings you childishly so nurtured for each other. Right then, in the back of your class during your biology class was the very first time when you became partners in crime, and never looked back.  

“I am stressing out.” You confessed to Sebastian who was fascinatedly watching you as you stretched the back of your palm, “I cannot for the love of God understand how biology works until tomorrow’s test.” You cried out, taking your face in both of your hands. 

Sebastian’s giggle – music to your ears – echoed next to you as his hands departed yours from your face, “I have a plan, no worries.” He then announced, throwing you a cheeky little wink, “I do need you.” Sebastian then confessed, and nothing more would have thrilled a sixteen-year-old Y/N rather than her desk mate saying that he needed her while looking straight into her eyes with those big blue eyes. 

“What for?” You immediately asked, not even questioning Sebastian’s plan for too long because no matter the reason, you were in before Sebastian could have had a chance to explain the plan. 

Trusting him with your whole life was something Sebastian had earned right from the start, building on the foundation of that trust only followed in the next decades. Sebastian told you all about his plan of stealing the test answers from the teacher’s desk right after that. No matter how fraudulent that was, and no matter how injudicious it was for you to distract the teacher’s attention outside the class for Sebastian to unlock the cabinet’s door with one of your bobby pins – you followed his plan suit. And yes, as absurd as the plan was, it ended up working and both of you aced that test. From then on, from cheating on a test together to hiding in your parents’ closets to spy on them and playing “good cop, bad cop” within your group of friends, classic Sebastian and Y/N mess arounds became habits. One of your inside things – one of your many inside things: three seconds before locking eyes, scratching the back of your hand after a kiss, profiting on every occasion to rub shoulders, touch knees and steal glances, and oh how so many others. 

present

You were doing that exact same thing twenty years later: sillily teaming up to watch Anne many rows behind in the dark cinema just for Sebastian to make sure that the guy she was all gushing about was not even placing his arm around her neck. Sebastian was now at ease, his sixteen-year-old daughter was all safe and sound from a shy-timid boy that managed to gather all his courage just to sit next to her at the movies, nothing more and nothing less. You watched Sebastian all tensed up in his seat for the first couple of minutes before he made sure that little rascal was not going to make a move on Anne, not even paying attention to the movie and closely watching the group of teenagers instead like a creep. You softly chuckled, there was nothing more amusing to you rather than Sebastian being all worked up about Anne’s crush. 

“See?” You whispered leaning towards Sebastian, “They are not even touching.” You said, pointing to Anne’s back and talking in a low tone just to make sure that Anne was not hearing anything.

Imagine your parents' sneaking up to your not-even-date to watch over you. You rolled your eyes, Sebastian needed to tame that protective side of his regarding Anne a notch. You knew that was improbable, and you feared the moment when Anne will tell Sebastian that she dates a boy for real. What will Sebastian do then? Track the little fella? Let Anne speak with him only in the same room as Sebastian? Your eyebrows twitched, you will be the one to act as an armor to your daughter when that time will come, protect her from your insanely protective love of your life. 

“I know – he needs some game.” Sebastian then joked, leaning towards you as well and giving you those shimmery eyes for the second time that evening, muscles relaxing underneath the fabrics of his clothes.  

You smiled, “Like that one time when you thought me how to count shoulders?” You teased, watching Sebastian’s smile widening as well on his face, “Or any other of your classic moves?”

somewhere in the past

Being friends with Sebastian first rather than just flirting meant that you and him never had to hit on each other with corny cheesy lines or any out of the pocket moves. You two just worked right from the start and there was no need for those. Therefore, when Sebastian was trying to somehow “court” you at the beginning of your relationship, his attempts on “hitting on” you were laughable in the cutest ways possible – like the first time you two went to the movies on a proper date. 

“Has anyone ever thought you how to count shoulders, love?” Twenty-years old Sebastian asked you in the back of the cinema, watching you paying full attention on the movie. 

You confusingly looked back at your now new boyfriend and denied with a nod, “What do you mean?” 

Sebastian cleaned his throat and then started to “count shoulders” beginning with his right one, “One, two, three, four…” He shyly spoke with pauses, tracing his fingers from his right shoulder to his left, and then touching yours up until the point his arm was all around you, pulling you closer to him and his body locking his fingers on your left shoulder, “That is how you count shoulders.” Sebastian then confidently spoke, giving you a quick peak on your cheek as a bonus after counting both of your shoulders. 

You laughed then, you laughed too loud for a cinema and few heads turned towards you and Sebastian flirting – trying to flirt. You apologized with a nod to them, and then snuggled your head at Sebastian’s chest for the rest of the movie. That was your shelter for many years to come, and the fingers glued to your shoulders was Sebastian’s safety net – both of you thinking that there was no way for them to be shattered or torn apart. And yet, time is ruthless and you two had learned that lesson in the most poignant way.

present

You were now sitting next to each other not even touching, each of you pined to their seats. You both knew that what you said back in the car just minutes ago was the right thing to do. You needed to stop acting out of habit with each other – touching, kissing, holding hands needed to be out of the picture. There was the need to move on, you needed to learn how to do the co-parenting part without you two being involved in any other endeavors (physically or romantically).   

Sebastian smirked at your remark, “I am forty years old now Y/N, counting shoulders is not working anymore.” He spoke, and that made you indubitably and irrationally think about the possibly of Sebastian hitting on another woman. All the sudden, your mind unlocked a new possibility that was not occurring up until now, and all that talk (or non-talk) you had back in your car seemed pointless now because you could not comprehend Sebastian touching, kissing, holding hands with another woman. 

The thought consumed you whole for the rest of the movie. Fuck – it got deep inside your head as minutes went by. You were fuming, and yet you had no reason to do so. You were the one who wanted the divorce in the first place and three years have passed since your split, Sebastian was very much very allowed to meet other people and so were you. You never took those chances, though. None of the men who had shown any interest in you were not him, no one was him and no one could ever be him. 

You remined silent up until Sebastian signed you that it was time to go out twenty minutes before the movie was over so you could pretend to pick Anne up like nothing had happened and like you two were far away from that mall. 

“Can I ask you something?” You asked Sebastian on the way to his car walking side by side with him. 

“Yes, you can ask me anything.” Sebastian muttered watching your worried lifted eyebrows, “And no, I am not seeing anyone.” He replied away ahead of you opening your mouth to ask him about that. 

“How did you know that I was—” You wondered slowing your steps, watching his back relaxing underneath your glare. 

“Liking it or not – I know you Y/N.” Sebastian spoke, watching you and your guilty look over his shoulder, “I regretted right away after I made it sound like I still use pick-up lines or moves.” Your ex-husband spoke waiting for you to keep up the walking pace, “You went completely radio-silence on me after that which meant that the little, teeny trundles inside of your head were moving, and I was expecting you to ask me such a question after overthinking all the possibilities.” 

You gulped, catching him from behind, “You are right. You know me.” You muttered in a short breath, hugging your body until you got back into the car together checking the clock to match the time with the end of the movie. 

“Can I now ask you something?” Sebastian asked, leaning into his seat, and staring back at you as you nodded, “Would you be bothered by that?” He then asked in all his seriousness, “Because I would.” Your ex-husband confessed, “The idea of you remarrying keeps me up at night – honestly.” Sebastian accentuated with a very dehydrated throat, “I want nothing more than you and Anne to be happy, and if that can be attained with another man by your side, I will pretend to be fine for a while – and after that, I will just lose my mind.” 

You laughed with a shook of your head, “There is only you, Seb.” You intoned, not even daring to look at him although Sebastian was staring right back at you. 

somewhere in the past

It was an odd feeling even then, knowing that there is only him and that the likelihood of another man was out of the question for the rest of your life right from the point you kissed him one first time. You were foolishly in love with him, Sebastian swept you out of your feet utterly and completely, and so was Seb – childishly smitten with you right from the start. 

The thing with young love nonetheless is that it consumes you whole and makes you act in all mad kind of ways, and you two had to learn how to mature through them together. Oh boy, was that a rocky road indeed that seemed to be still shaky more than twenty-years later when you would have not guessed that your heart would still ache in such a fashion at the idea of somebody else in Sebastian’s life. You can never perfect a relationship, and you and Sebastian never claimed to have succeeded in doing so. 

 Everybody tells you that when you find “the right one” the rest goes easy, there are no fights, no pauses, no sobs, and cries. You and Sebastian went through all of them, and the first time that the idea of mending your relationship was when you both figured out that long-distance sucks big time. 

You were studying far away from your city; Sebastian was travelling all the time due the nature of his job. Barely speaking, seeing each other two to three times a mouth was challenging, but you promised yourselves that you can make it work and that three years from that point on you will write in any city racing takes Sebastian and then you will rest when needed in your own little studio apartment when you get back home. You had all the time in the world, you would say but time was distancing you more than the actual miles in between your bodies. Sebastian was in different time zones almost every weekend, and you studied and worked part-time by day and wrote by night, using the little to no free time you had in between to be social, go to parties, meet people, and build a life of your own that Sebastian was unable to take part of. 

It tormented him – day and night – it tormented Sebastian, that you had a whole different life he had little to no idea about in college so far away from him.  

“You are going to a party?” Your boyfriend sarcastically inquired over the phone, “I thought you hated parties.” 

You chuckled at the end of the call, “I don’t.” You spoke with a silly smile all over your face that was always present whenever you two were talking over the phone after a long day of not reaching each other, “I just was not invited to parties in high-school, so I always claimed I don’t like them – when, in fact, I do.” You paused, position in the bed shifted as you heard Sebastian’s breath into the phone, something about the way he sounded made your knees weak and your spine shiver. 

You two had not been physical with each other for mouths, and that drove both of you insanely crazy. Therefore, a simple breath was enough for you to gulp your words and for your body to heat up. 

“Can I come too?” Sebastian inquired, and your smile not just widened on your face, but your cheeks were about to burst from their rosiness and for how much they were pushed up by the arched corners of your mouth. 

Sebastian should have seen you then, and that would have been enough for him to kiss you all over your face. That man was whipped, your smile was his kryptonite, the weakness of his heart and the craving of his soul. 

“You are free this weekend?” You happily spoke, patiently waiting for your boyfriend’s answer. 

Sebastian was most definitely not free even tough that was not a race weekend, the young German driver had media duties to attend all weekend being back home. The Torro Rosso win just happened two weeks ago and people (his people) wanted him in interviews, in magazines, in papers to talk all about that and to praise their championship-material racing driver for being the youngest winner ever. And yet, none of the people who could fuel his fame by meeting with him for interviews and photoshoots were worth to prologue the absence of your smile.  

“I have to shift some things, but I will come.” He spoke, already thinking ahead about whom he should call to cancel his meetings. 

“That’s amazing, Seb.” You almost sobbed, “I miss you so, so much.” You simply spoke, throat aching in a dry pain. 

“I miss you too, so, so much.” Sebastian spoke after a short chuckle, and you could basically still hear the smile into the tone of his voice, feeling the warmth of it too spreading in an empty room that cried for Sebastian’s presence.  

Sebastian’s heart felt heavy once the call ended, and that was because he felt you slipping form between his fingers for the first time ever since you two kissed in front of your door years ago. You were becoming your own individuals, and yet you and Sebastian had completely different pathways that you hopefully made ends meet. Closing his eyes, Sebastian dreamed of the time promised: watching you writing your books first thing in the morning as he awakes, having you all for himself inches away instead of miles, seeing your smile instead of only picturing it somewhere in the back of his mind. 

After three to four rounds of showing him how much you missed Sebastian, leaving him tireless and sweaty pinned to your dorm bed, you took your silk robe and tightening it around the waist so you could take a shower and get ready for the said party. Sebastian watched you as you departed, almost convinced that his hand was unable to leave yours as you rose from the bed. 

“That was something else,” Sebastian paused, gutted almost. With one hand glued to his forehead, he took a full breath of the tensed air in the room, “I think we must have broken a personal record or something, love.” He laughed, and you could not help yourself not to give him a sly smile in return. 

“In time or pleasure?” You inquired with a curved eyebrow, and Sebastian arched his back up to straighten it on the bed frame leaned against one of the walls just to take a better look at you after a short and vehement nod of approval before saying, ‘both, I think both’. 

Sebastian took your hand again in his as you were hurryingly passing by the bed to lure you in again, but the man only managed to steal a short kiss from your lips as you departed once again. 

“I have to get ready, Seb.” You urgently breathed, “You need to help me choose in between two outfits.” You spoke, steps hastening to the bathroom. 

Your boyfriend leaned his head back on the pillow, “Oh, so you really want to go to this party.” He intoned, hopping that maybe what just happened in between the two of you would convince you to skip the evening and go back to bed.

 Just you and him for an entire afternoon, evening and night, Sebastian has been longing for twenty-four hours like this for so long now. And yet, just now – your boyfriend had realized how much you wanted to go to that party, seeing you all flustered about the choosing of your outfit fact that had never happened before to any of the events you two went too. 

It aroused uncertainties, those kinds of suspicions that crawls into Sebastian’s head too quick and for too long, without reason or logic when it came to the fear of losing you. You were changing before Seb’s eyes, quite literally and figuratively, and your boyfriend had the understanding for the very first time ever that he needed to not only cope with the idea of you having a chuck of life that was not involving him, but also supportyou and your decisions.

Just as you have been doing with him being a driver in the past few years, just as you got used to not seeing Sebastian that much and with reading rumors about him dating some other girls, constantly doubting yourself of not being good enough for him, just as you dealt with his whole different person when Sebastian was racing. 

And yet, knowing that you were able to put an front up until now about all of this without saying once that it is bothersome, arose another type of inquiry for Sebastian – what if one day you decide to leave him because someone who is not there for you all the time was not suitable to the kind of life you wanted to have?

Getting to know each other as best friends at first was something, dealing with the insufficiencies of your relationship now was a whole different ground that you had to have it paved through trial and error, mistakes and apologies, hot tears and soft kisses on burning cheeks. 

Your boyfriend got to know a whole different you at that party. You acted like a natural extrovert with everyone that was present there. You hugged people, you kissed their cheeks, you even took more shots that you could handle. You were never like this before with people at high-school, Sebastian has never seen you so genuinely happy when people that were not him were around – and that made him extremely jealous, utterly protective of what he thought it belonged to him and only him. Children, both of you. 

“Your boyfriend?” One of your college friends spoke as you introduced Sebastian to him, and your boyfriend could not help himself not to stare at what seemed to be a Greek God glimpsing at him and then at his girl, “You never told me you had a boyfriend before, glad to meet you—” The man paused, waiting for Sebastian to utter his name. 

Auch, a punch in the groin. Yes, Sebastian was sane enough to know that not everyone follows sports, and yet lies would have been involved to say that Sebastian’s ego was not hurt right then and there by this mysterious wavy-haired, sun-kissed, hell of a man for not knowing who he was, and by you for not telling him sooner that you were all spoken for. The insecurities made room into the nets of your boyfriend’s mind once again, why you were not telling him that you had a boyfriend for? 

“Sebastian Vettel,” He then replied, lifting his hand in the air just to be cupped with strength by the man. 

“Robert.” He simply replied, giving a firm shake to Sebastian. 

You adjusted your voice by coughing twice sensing whatever was going on between two males shaking hands for the first time, “Robert is in my creative writing class, he mostly writes slam poetry at which he is pretty good.” You explained to Sebastian with an awkward smile, wrapping one of our arms around Sebastian as soon as they dropped the handshake. 

“Oh? He does?” Sebastian replied, having no idea how slam poetry sounded like and not intending to hear from this godlike of a man who was now gazing at you a little bit too much to be just friendly what was that. 

Sebastian’s blood boiled, especially after Robert thanked you with a smile, “Oh, thank you. You do flatter me, Y/N darling.” He paused, Sebastian’s jawline hardening as Robert continued with, “Your girlfriend’s poems are something else, tough!” He then explained, words to which Sebastian’s straight lines turned into a smile, “Now I can see where the inspiration comes from,” Robert continued, giving Sebastian a short head-to-toes check-up with scrutinizing eyes, “I can see why I could not stand a chance now.” He then commented slightly patting your shoulder, Sebastian’s mouth returning into a straight line. 

You awkwardly laughed and dragged Sebastian out of there, waving goodbye to Robert and going straight to the bar for yet another two shots. 

“That man wants to fuck you.” Sebastian bluntly spoke after the liquid went down on both of your throats, the harshness of your boyfriend’s words standing as a sign that you were not the only one who drank up their limit – and you knew better than to be hurt by drunk words coming out of Seb’s mouth that he will for certain regret in the morning. 

“I know,” You simply replied as you leaned on the bar, “You heard him yourself; it is not like he could stand a chance.” You continued, as you and Sebastian both could feel Robert’s eyes across the room. 

“He is an attractive man; I am pretty sure he thinks he will have a chance at it in the future.” Sebastian noted, part of his voice crumbling as Sebastian spoke the words to you and part of his tone collapsing inside his throat as the thought of you touched by hands that were not his own crossing his mind. 

You almost gagged on another shot, “Do you hear yourself now?” You questioned, hands locked at your chest now as you deeply sighed, “He is an attractive man?” You laughed, “How about: Y/N, you are an attractive woman, and I am aware of the fact that other people might want you, but I trust you enough that you will not cheat on me.” You mouthed, harshly looking at Sebastian as his words were cut short, not expecting of you to give him a full lecture. 

“Y/N I—” Sebastian paused, not knowing what to say next for this to not escalate into a fight, waiting to avoid conflict with you as much as probable, “I—” He stumbled again, not finding the right next step. 

You are the person Sebastian loves the most right then and there, why would your boyfriend want to pick a fight with you out of something so ordinary as a good-looking man about whom Sebastian knew essentially nothing about fantasying of having a shoot with you? 

Your lungs filled with unbreathable air, “You?” 

“Come on, love.” Sebastian muttered, taking one of your hands in his to kiss the back of it, “I really don’t want to fight.” He then confessed, and as soon as the words reached your ears, you retracted your hand from his. 

“Of course.” You exhaled, “You never want to fight.” You added watching your shoes rather than looking at him, “I am tired, let’s go back to the dorm – we can “not talk” about it on our way back.” You sarcastically spoke, hopping from the high-bar chair and making your way to the exit with pressed steps, Sebastian following right after you with his heart up to his throat knowing that dodging the fight was not worth it. 

You walked ahead of him without saying any word back to him, not even giving him a glimpse over the shoulder. Your eyes were watery, and your neck was dry, not the very best combination if you were to lock eyes with Sebastian. You knew you would burst right into crying if you were to look at him, because all these mouths were you seemed to not be bothered by doing long distance with him were just an act. You hated every single fucking minute of it, and that piled up with each missed phone call, each rumor about some sort of a girl, each interview with him all giggly and happy wondering, searching, glooming somewhere in the back of your mind that would it have not been better for him to not be tied up by some high-school crush of his in this fame hunting ride? 

And now this? Sebastian hinting at the idea of you being with Robert under any circumstancing whatsoever? On top of all, Sebastian’s inability to fight with you showing up again. Always wanting to avoid fights, never wanting to upset you, and always protecting you seemed to be the right ways to go at first. And yet, no relationship survives without conflict, there is no calm after the chaos if there is no chaos to begin with. Bottling all your feelings up, burying them deep into a coffin – this will not work out, you both thought. 

“I cannot “not talk” about it.” You said at the same time, Sebastian’s hand catching yours from behind and you turning your glare at him as you stopped your steps blocks away from your dorm. 

Soft breezes of spring blew into your faces, icing the tears at the corners of your eyes that Sebastian touched with the tips of his fingers as he cupped your face to kiss it. Yes, smiling you must be Sebastian’s weakness, but watching tears fall down your plumped cheeks might just as well be his eternal damnation. 

“I sounded like a jerk back there, please, please –” Sebastian begged with closed eyes and lips glued to your forehead, “forgive me for being such a fucking prick.” He added, one of the hands now on the back of your neck as the thumb could stroke your cheek as Sebastian dearly looked down at you, “I just got very jealous.” 

Your fingers cupped the man’s wrist, “I should have told you about Robert before,” You recognized right away, “I was just scared that you will not trust me if I tell you that he tries his luck with me.”

Sebastian shook his head, “No, no, no.” He repeated vehemently, “I trust you completely, is not even about that.”  He then confessed, “The thing is,” Sebastian then stopped, lips on yours for just a moment so Sebastian can remember how courage tasted like. 

You chuckled, there was not even a moment in which this man could hold himself back from kissing you, “The thing is?” You smiled, repeating his words. 

“I am untrusting of myself.” Sebastian muttered the words, taking one step away from you as he spoke, “You have this whole new life that I know nothing about, Y/N.” He then begin, as if a tap has been flipped up or a switch lighted on, “You have your new friends, and your book that you are writing, and parties to attend, and literature to study, and places to see, and people to meet, and I—” Sebastian stopped with a gulp into his chest, “I feel like no matter how much I try – I will never fit in your life.” 

Your eyes softened, oh love. This evening was a turn point in your relationship, you were both twenty-one and unexperienced in what love was. And yet, you wanted to learn – and you did that together in time, not feeling worthy of each other both in different ways was just the beginning of the learning curve. 

“I feel like I don’t fit into yours either.” You added with a sob, “You are always away, people are taking pictures wherever you go and somehow they never follow you when you and I are together, so they think you are dating all those random girls that show in the paddock, and I feel like I am holding you back.” 

Sebastian nodded in understanding, “That is why you did not tell your friends yet about me?” He asked with widened eyes, “I thought you want to keep all of this private.” He spoke, pointing to the two of you. 

“I wanted to do so.” You confirmed after scratching the back of your head, “I thought I will be fine reading rumors about you and some supermodel that supports Red Bull, but man – I hate them.” 

“The supermodels or the rumors?” Sebastian joked, and you huffed a short giggle again. 

“Both.” You replied with furrowed eyebrows. 

“So, now you can understand my jealousy towards Robert?” 

You nodded, “Yes, I do.” You confirmed after another short sight, “Foolish of us to think that loving each other is enough.” You commented, being the one now to take the extra-step in between the two of you for the distance to dissolve to zero as Sebastian’s eyes were all over you face, lips, neck, and shoulders, “It seems like we need to do more than that.” You continued, arms around Sebastian’s neck now. 

“Avoiding fights is not the answer, that I know now.” Sebastian shortly laughed, and you could not help yourself but smile, letting him kiss what he adored the most, “What a fucking stupid name Robert is, tough. “Sebastian spoke in a playful tone as you tightened your grip around the man’s body. 

“There is only you, Seb.” You replied as you buried your head into the man’s shoulder, “There is only you.” You reassured your boyfriend, making sure that the words were heard as your lips caressed Sebastian’s skin across the man’s neck. 

present

Sebastian said nothing to your words, you were wondering if the same memory played inside of your ex-husband’s mind. And yet, you were welcomed with nothing but radio-silence coming from him as the car was started. Sebastian drove in silence from the parking spot to the cinema’s entrance where Anne was spotted right away by her father’s peering eyes. Your ex-husband went out of the car, crossed his hands at his chest and tried once again to look fierce and intimidating. You remined in the car with the window open, right at Sebastian’s right shoulder watching him with the same amused smile as when you dropped Anne. After saying her goodbyes, Anne went straight to the car completely and bluntly avoiding Sebastian’s gaze over her and that boy. 

“How was the movie, darling?” You intoned, sensing right away that something was bothering Anne. 

“It was good.” She simply replied, watching her friends outside the window leaving one by one but evading from within her little crush’s gaze. 

You muttered a short “mhm” as Sebastian got back into his seat, evidently confused as well by the lack of talk coming from Anne, “What’s wrong, sweetheart?” Sebastian asked, both of you turning your heads to her. 

“Nothing.” She continued; eyes still glued on the window. 

“Are you sure?” Sebastian worryingly asked, patting his girl’s leg to make her attentive towards her parents, “Do you want to talk to us?” He continued, but Anne was adamant still as she disagreed with a nod. 

“I don’t have anything to say, nothing happened.” Anne highlighted with furrowed eyebrows, “Can we go, please? I am hungry.” She spoke, glancing from Sebastian to you – signaling that you need to convince her father to drop it. And yet, none of you wanted to drop it, but Sebastian listened to her as he always has done and started the engine, the three of you getting out of the parking lot in a heavy silence. 

“Oh,” You mouthed once Anne’s words clicked for you, “That is why you are upset – nothing happened.” You spoke, clapping your hands once before turning back to Anne and catching her glare on you, “You wanted him to do something?” You questioned Anne, watching your daughter’s lips plucked in a puppy pout as she nodded. 

“You are upset because of that?” Sebastian stepped in, opening his mouth even wider to continue speaking but being interrupted by one of your fingers at the front of his nose. 

“Shut up, pay attention to the driving.” You commented, giving him a sharp look from which Sebastian has understood that playing the overly protective father card right now was not the time. 

“I am literally a professional driver.” Sebastian teased, and both you and Anne’s faces lighted up with a smile as soon as you heard Seb’s sarcastic tone, “Ok, but I will behave.” He accentuated, slightly rolling his eyes as a drama queen. 

You took Anne’s hands in words, and she poured her soul right in was she watched your lovely eyes looking right back at hers and Sebastian’s worried ones through the rear mirror, “I know he likes me, and I like him too. And yet, we have not held hands yet! Also, he stood right next to me during the movie and not a word shared – like I don’t even exist.” She almost sobbed, snatching your hands tightening into hers. Your eyes softened, oh my dear girl. You patted the back of her hand, opening your mouth to speak. 

“Very good.” Sebastian stepped in again, “You are sixteen, holding hands should be banned until you are at least eighteen.” He added, throwing a look over the shoulder to forewarn Anne. 

“Eyes on the road, Sebastian.” You intoned in a somewhat harsh tone, sharpening him with a look that had the intention of being mean, but being unsuccessful so as yours caught his and you saw the spectacle of luminated lights on the road flickering within the margins of his irises.  

Sebastian nodded, “You are right, I will shut up.” He spoke, being scolded even by Anne’s glare reflected in the rear mirror that piercing him. Sebastian wanted for his daughter to just be the happiest girl in the world, and if holding hands with that boy was what she needed at that moment to become that, your ex-husband had to accept it. 

“You said he was shy, right?” You asked, playing it cool as if you were not just seeing the boy trembling next to your daughter minutes ago in the cinema, “It was not the place and the moment to hold hands, perhaps.” You assured Anne with a warm smile, “Next time, maybe be the one to catch his hand in yours. Boys are not really that great in catching subtilities, and to act accordingly of their thoughts, especially when they are young. They try to seem tough, rough and like they are not touched by anything, especially when they are with their friends.” You highlighted, slightly pointing to Sebastian as you titled your head. 

“I saw that, love.” Sebastian laughed, realizing right after that stopping this force of habit was going to be tougher that it seemed, “And yes, Anne. Your mother was right, we are the stupidest beings when it comes to catch signals, and we like to put on a persona around friends, this will change as he grows up.” 

You nodded, “Yes, you just have to be up-front about it.” You added, glaring at Sebastian as you were both thinking about the very first time you got into a huge fight due to exactly this reason, “Ask him if he likes you when you feel ready to do so, avoiding the talk will only do worse – trust me, and your father.” You spoke, hands still cupped with Anne. 

Sebastian nodded, and Anne could see his toughened glare in the mirror watching you two, “Feelings can be little intricate branches that crawl into your mind, body and soul trying to fool you into sheltering them deep down, your mother thought you and me how to cope with them, and for that we should be forever grateful for.” Sebastian spoke in a soft tone much contrary to his eyes, “Maybe, your little friend was not that lucky yet.” Your ex-husband commented, filling Anne’s heart with big hopeful flakes of light for her to be that person, for her to show him how to learn love. 

“Do you want to come in?” You asked Sebastian as the car stopped outside of your house, “I am hungry, and I am sure Anne’s famished too—” 

“I am not, I want to go to bed early.” Anne interrupted, jumping straight out of the car, and going into the house, probably locking right away into her room to text the boy, “Goodnight, mom, dad!” She yelled, slamming shut the door after she got in. 

You laughed, “Oh, she is head over heels over this guy.” You huffed, amusingly watching the light of her room blasting at the second-floor sight that she basically bolted in 0.2 seconds on the stairs. 

“Reminds me of someone.” Sebastian teased, rubbing shoulders with you as you were both out of the car and leaning on the side of it. 

You laughed, “I stole my mom’s phone once to text you.” 

Sebastian laughed back, “I know, I stole my father’s car to impress you.” 

You shook your head as you faked disbelief, “You were already impressing me by winning races, there was no need to steal a random streetcar from your father.” You spoke, side-eyeing him from time to time as you talked. 

“I have not won a race in a hot minute.” Sebastian pleaded, watching his feet rather than your face. 

“You will, no worries.” You spoke, gently stroking the man’s shoulder with your fingers for comfort. 

“Most unlikely.” Sebastian bittersweetly uttered before he took a huge breath of air in, “I am resigning from Formula One by the end of the season.” He then exhaled, clean blue eyes locking yours now.   

You could not help yourself but slightly smile, you have seen what more than twenty-five years have done to him doing this job. You witnessed that all, all the highs, all the lows, and all the in-betweens. You said nothing on the matter, and Sebastian knew that you will not – that was the reason why you divorced him the first place. In that moment, watching you staring at him back with a little smile sprung on your face and glistering eyes, weary skin and a bittersweetly usage of tone, Sebastian wished for him to have been able to deliver this type of news sooner – three years sooner. 

Your shoulders shrugged and then twitched back up, the tension in your body releasing at once, “Are you hungry or not?” You asked departing from the car and making your way into the house. 

Sebastian nodded and followed you, like the man had always has done. At the door frame, Sebastian’s steps slowed, and you inquisitively stopped yours, “What happened?” You asked, the hungriness that took over your body being replaced with a short amused smiled as you watched Sebastian just standing there and staring right back at you. 

“There is only you, too.” Sebastian simply replied, confirming that you were both thinking of the same evening back in the car, “And yes,” Seb laughed, “I still think that Robert is a dumb ass name.” He spoke, and you two busted into laughter as the door of your house opened, both spending the rest of the evening in your kitchen trying to make something comestible to eat out of what laid in the back of your freezer.