#five weeks

Given I make it to that point but I’ve gone five weeks for now so we’ll see!

All I’ll really say is mental health is at an all time high now :D

(Also if a couple of my dear moots wanna know before they can just ask and I’ll see if I trust them enough to be that honest already, but I think after five more weeks, I’ll be ready to admit this fully)

I mean.

guy: why would i

kakashi: takes off his mask

his mole:

I'm gonna stop including the usual info because it's on my other posts but here's what has happened in terms of healing and stuff since last week. Tw for medical stuff and my body.

I passed a month post op so that's cool, never thought I'd get this far.

I am supposed to bind until eight weeks post op but I was having severe asthma attacks in class so I bound inconsistently and not very frequently last week. This wasn't the best for swelling so I'm going to try to be more consistent this week because I found a system that works.

I changed from wearing my clasped surgical binder (that doesn't breathe) to what is basically a regular binder but with no tight panel so it's just stretchy fabric alternated with an a shirt at night so I can breathe.

I had problems with my surgeon's office which wasn't directly their fault but basically I sent my post op pictures to the wrong email and was redirected to the right one. The nurse told me that my healing is good and I'm doing scar care well and she said I can change to binding for only a half day starting next week (so six weeks post op). She also said I can start carrying a regular backpack now as long as it's under eight pounds (which it isn't so I'll have to wait until eight weeks post op).

I can do a lot more with my arms now but I still can't lift them and I've been trying not to lift anything heavier than my laptop.

My nipples are actual skin which is cool and I stopped doing nipple dressings (besides occasionally rubbing them with aquaphor so they don't get flaky). The only nipple sensations I'm having this far is occasional itches that feel like they're under the nipples.

She won’t sleep. Ever. She NEVER naps. She doesn’t fall asleep “for the night” until usually about midnight. You know, six hours before my husband has to be up for work, and six hours before I’LL have to be up for work when I go back.

That is, if I even CAN go back, because she never stops nursing. Literally. I have been nursing her almost nonstop for the last SIX HOURS. Right now my husband is cuddling her to calm her down as I type this but guess what? She’s crying nonstop. And she’s going to continue crying until I resume nursing her.

And she won’t. Fucking. Sleep.

NOTHING works. I’ve tried letting her fall asleep in my arms and then putting her in her bassinet--she wakes up immediately and is inconsolable until I resume nursing. Same with if I let her nurse to sleep. I’ve tried lying her in the bassinet when she’s “drowsy but awake,” which is what EVERY piece of advice I can find says to do to ensure she’s able to get back to sleep on her own when she inevitably wakes up, but she cries within about a minute.

I’ve tried keeping the fan on. I’ve tried playing womb noises. I’ve tried keeping the room cooler. I’ve tried keeping the room warmer. I’ve tried keeping her tightly swaddled. I’ve tried a looser swaddle. I’ve tried swaddling with her arms loose. Trying to get her to sleep fully dressed, just her diaper, just her diaper and a onesie. I’ve tried a pacifier (it does not work). I’ve tried a pitch dark room; a dimly lit room; lights on. I’ve tried just carrying about my day with the TV on or music playing, and I’ve tried no noise, or no noise except white noise. I’ve tried singing to her, reading to her, talking to her, talking VERY SOFTLY or whispering to her, and having my husband do all those things. I’ve tried the “Happiest Baby” five S’s (swaddle, side/stomach position (until she falls asleep), shush, sway, suck, in that order). I’ve tried waiting a minute or two after she starts crying before going to her, and I’ve tried going to her right away. I’ve tried picking her up, soothing her, and putting her back down, over and over and over again for hours on end. I’ve tried playing lullabies or other soft music for her.

I’ve tried setting up “sleep routines,” where I do the same set of soothing things in the same order every time I lay her down for a nap. But she can only associate that order of things with sleep if they actually occur before sleep, which requires her ACTUALLY FUCKING SLEEPING.

But no matter which of those things I do, she wakes up (if she even begins to doze off for a minute or two, which only happens about half the time), or otherwise just stays awake, and screams until I start nursing. I’ve tried just rocking her, shushing her, cuddling her in eight million different positions, etc. Nothing calms her down except nursing.

So all I do--ALL I FUCKING DO, all day long, literally from about 8am to about midnight--is nurse her.

I am no longer a person for fuck’s sake. I am just a thing for her to suck on. I’m a living pacifier. (Because actual pacifiers--and I’ve tried several--do absolutely nothing.) All I do all day is lie in bed with her while she nurses. Maybe binge on Netflix or play on my phone. I don’t have the freedom to do anything else. I begged my husband to just cuddle her for a while today so I could clean. He offered to clean, but I told him I wanted to--so for the first time in the last six weeks, I could have my body moving and feel productive. After less than half an hour he had to bring her back to me because she was inconsolable and wanted only to be nursed. So I have no freedom. I have my phone and all its games and apps, I have my TV, and I have a baby to nurse.

I can’t even pump so someone else can feed her. Kind of hard to pump when there’s a baby on your tit literally every waking moment. Plus on the very rare occasion that I’ve managed to pump a couple ounces? She’ll suck them down immediately (even if she’s already been nursing for a couple hours), and immediately start crying to nurse again.

She’s been screaming the whole time I’ve been typing this. My husband is being so patient, talking calmly to her, rocking her, bouncing her, all the things that are supposed to calm a newborn, but all she wants is to nurse. The second my nipple is in her mouth, she’s perfectly content. So that’s it. That’s all I can do. I don’t know if or how I can even fucking go back to work (even though without me working we, you know, can’t even fucking afford rent, but hey, who needs that?)

I’m so frustrated. I just want to put her down and drive hours away. Nothing works. I give up. I cannot fucking do this anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m a failure as a mother because I cannot take care of my daughter. I feel like a failure as a mother because I’m so frustrated but how could I not be? I Just want the freedom to exist outside of my bedroom.