My dad isn’t one of those people. Like, I know he loves me, he’s my dad. I don’t think he hates me or anything. But we’ve never had a solid relationship. 

We don’t just TALK. We’ll call or text each other if we have a specific question or something, and he’s someone I trust for advice on a lot of adulting things. We always chat for a little bit on birthdays. But just checking in on each other, calling just to shoot the shit? Does not happen. Hasn’t since I was a kid. We’re too similar in some ways and too different in others and they seem to be all the wrong ways for having a decent father/daughter relationship.

But this morning my dad texted me, totally out of the blue. Said he’d had a dream that I was crying and he woke up before he could find out why, but it felt really real and he was worried about me and wanted to make sure I’m okay.

And I am. I’m getting better. I’m not like. Actively suicidal right now (not that my family, or most people in general, knew that I was to begin with, but that’s about where I was a couple weeks ago). I’m okay right now. Not great, but okay.

Here’s the thing: It’s not that I haven’t had people checking in on me the last few weeks. It’s just felt like it wasn’t...the right people? There was my small core group of people, and then a handful of people I’ve never considered myself close to but suddenly learned how much they cared. And that was nice. I was mostly hurt by people I had RECENTLY started to consider myself close to, because there was this realization that it wasn’t reciprocated.

But then there’s that text from my dad. Someone I’ve always wanted to be close to but just never was. For some reason, him checking in on me out of the blue--really without ever having had any way to know that I wasn’t doing okay for a while there, but just wanting to make sure I was okay--was exactly what I needed this morning.

Got a therapy appointment soon so hopefully I see some progress.

It's just weird/amusing stories about history, told by a couple losers who are pretty good storytellers. Check them out, and if you like them share it with your friends!

Olivia: Clean my Olivia hands!

Me: Your Olivia hands? You are Olivia. Your Olivia hands should be the only hands you have.

Olivia: ...

Me: Have you been stealing other people's hands?

Olivia: Yeah!

Me: Oh really? Are you a hand thief?

Olivia: OM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Me: Om nom nom? Do you eat the hands you steal?

Olivia: YEAH!

I texted my mom asking her to call me when she gets home. I haven't decided if I'm just going to chew her out for being careless, or tell her she can't see Olivia again until there's a vaccine. I'll figure it out as I go along.

So far I've had to put up with:

-Listening to my brother talking about how when he and his wife buy a house together he gets the whole basement to himself for a man cave, and roll his eyes about how his wife wants to use the basement too but she should just build a she shed because the basement will be his

-Also listen time my brother bitch about how people who insist wearing masks saves lives are so annoying and need to "shut the fuck up"

-Being GREETED by a distant relative I only see once a year with, "Its really time for you to have another one. She [my toddler] isn't a baby anymore." Not asking if I planned to have another one or suggesting I might like to, which would already be none of her business. She TOLD ME that at the age my child is at, it is time for me to have another. This is the first thing she said to me. Fuck off.

-That same relative insisting on hugging everyone and saying, and I quote, "I don't care about COVID among family!" to justify it when someone protested

-My mom grabbing Olivia and pulling her away from me every single time I try to get Olivia's attention

-Being unable to have a conversation because everyone is constantly talking over me

-Somehow getting stuck watching everyone else's kids (one of whom tried to strangle me)

Decide to go through Olivia's clothes for the first time in ages and FINALLY get rid of a bunch of stuff she's out grown? Check!

Just some tweets from the life of parenthood today.