#findserenity

i apologize for the recent radio silence, but i’ll be honest, i actually liked my own peace and quiet. since i’ve left the greater l'manberg area, i’ve had the time to breathe and collect my own thoughts. although i’ve heard very little coming from town, i had a new visitor not very long ago. while he couldn’t stay along, his company was nice. we exchanged pleasantries, and he was quickly on his way.

The radio is now a vent station for Michael. The isolation for him has been beneficial in providing him the opportunity to process the information he has gathered concerning the server.

Also a lot of people are attributing the visitor to Eryn, who has passed by Michael's base from what I heard? Eryn streams at an awful time for me so if any active viewers of them can confirm this, that would be nice.

Anyways, despite feeling the need to isolate, Michael still can't help having company, and it's shown through the visitor.

a few days ago, i went back into town. i was invited to a dinner for friends. while i didn’t necessarily know a lot of the people too well who were there, it was … nice. it makes me wonder, though. from what i’ve been told, when there’s a big get-together, things usually end up heading south. and pretty quickly, at that. before anything could even happen, though, it was over. we didn’t even get to eat. the faces were nice. it felt like what should be the norm. to have a sit down. even though the intended purpose of our visit did not get to happen.

So this part is about Friendsgiving, an event Michael was able to attend. He apparently seems to enjoy the company of others based from his behavior at the gathering, and it's especially notable when remembering he was actively isolating himself.

Michael's thoughts on the way it turned out as he connected to what he's been told about banquets, festivals, and gatherings is framed as a criticism. His word choices in particular frame this correlation as a discomfort, that this shouldn't be normal.

It's the fact that while they didn't get to eat, that they couldn't even enjoy Friendsgiving properly! Describing the experience as "like what should be the norm," Michael tells his listeners that this kind of outcome for a party/gathering is unusual, especially to someone as new and foreign to all this as he is. Normal for him and the rest of us is the party actually serving the intended purpose.

The bare minimum of "no one dying" or "no betrayals" for a normal gathering in the Dream SMP? Michael is telling us that this is not supposed to be normal! At all!

but like i said, things have just been … quiet. simply put. around here, anyways. now that i think about it, i have felt more productive than ever. i’ve continued to build my base of operations, i have found myself enjoying more of my own hobbies. believe it or not, i’ve even taken up farming. and i’ve started putting together...more of the pieces. the pieces. i’ve went back and forth between here and town, occasionally. going off of things i’ve heard, and thing i’ve personally witnessed. i’ve started to see a bigger picture in all of this.

And so Michael returns to the peace he's found in being alone, as well as noting the relatively peaceful state of the server from the few instances of leaving his area.

And in this peace? Michael heals a little, gets a little rest, and it is in these circumstances that he flourishes and creates. But despite this, he's not really at peace, no. He can't truly find peace, not when he's ignorant to what's going on around him. So he keeps going back into town, because he can only truly achieve that serenity he's looking for once he knows, once he can process, and once he can make sense and get control over what's going on in the server.

In these efforts, he's started to form opinions now, and we know this is true given his commentary on Friendsgiving before this.

maybe i’m overreacting. or maybe everybody else is just working in from the corners. either way, i still … have some discomfort.

Michael now begins to doubt, undecided whether he's being too wary or not wary enough of the people around him.

Overreacting, that perhaps he's being too hard on himself for being paranoid for no reason.

Or everybody else is just working in from the corners, that this peace is a calm before the storm, that it's only peaceful now because the danger is still busy brewing.

(And it was! We the viewers know it very much was, especially with the context of listening to this broadcast live after seeing teaser after teaser for both the Las Nevadas and Jailbreak Finale streams.)

And it is because of this indecision that Michael isn't at peace and can't seem to be at peace. The quiet isn't really a quiet—what he's witnessed about the server has told him this kind of quiet isn't true genuine peace.

i don’t even know if anybody is even listening to me. i have no idea. but weirdly, that gives me comfort. it does. being able to come and give my confessional to a microphone, stored away in my hidey-hole has given me a feeling of more control than i have ever previously had. i don’t know what i would do if i couldn’t do this. if this was taken from me, i’d probably go crazy.

Michael opens up a bit more about himself here. For all his discomfort about uncertainty, this one of the few he finds comfort in.

On whether he's being listened to or not. If there's one thing he's particularly enjoyed in broadcasting, it's being able to say what he wants to say without getting in trouble for it. One could theorize that he was never in this situation before, or that he was able to speak his mind, once, but not without consequences.

Another thing to note is how the radio station has given him feelings of control! This is interesting, especially in a server with a history of examining and grappling with the meaning of power and control. I think the more appropriate word for Michael's circumstances is autonomy, and for him, that's found in being able to vent out and process his feelings about the world in safety. And based on his statement about going "crazy" should he lose that autonomy, it's very clear that it's not just the power but the safety the station (and by extension, his isolated base) offers him that is so so important to Michael.

(Chat during the broadcast, and myself, hope and pray something doesn't happen to the station. Michael may not know it but we find comfort with him too.)

i’ve noticed that this is slowly becoming my diary. while i go off, parading the ideas of isolation, in my own edge of extinction, this gives me comfort. a person who doesn’t have anybody to speak to finally has a voice. maybe all of this talking will have done me well.

"Diary." I predict in the long run that we're gonna be getting secrets through these broadcasts, particularly secrets about Michael and things Michael would want to keep private from the rest of the server.

"parading the ideas of isolation, in my own edge of extinction" is particularly interesting dialogue, probably the most complex of short sentences I've heard from the entire roleplay, ngl. It's an interesting way for Michael to describe what he believes is what he is doing here at the radio station.

To be at the edge of one's own extinction is to imply one being close to death, or that one is at the cusp of never being known. I have no idea which connotation Michael's going for but whichever it may be, it says something dark about how Michael views himself, particularly in the current state he is in. Speaking of which, he says that he is "parading the ideas of isolation," which means he's showing it, exposing it, and demonstrating it. Based on what he's said earlier, he's already given out the pros and cons to what he's doing.

Even more interesting is that Michael is, when placed next to his emphasis on his wariness of the server, he describes the things he's doing, the ability to speak to us the way he is, as comforting. He elaborates once more about how much control and power he feels with the station. He thinks having a voice will be good for him. (And if the implication that he has never had that kind of control before, if not in a long time, is true, then it really will be.)

i plan on going into town in a few days. maybe the locals will still be friendly. maybe i really have, honestly, looked into all of this wrong.

So he decides to go into town. He announces it. It's time to risk again, all in the pursuit of genuine peace for the server. If the server isn't really at peace, how can he really be?

He hopes his more cynical guesses are wrong, that the place is normal and good and that he's wrong about it being haunting and dangerous.

the question i keep asking myself is do i leave what i have made here for myself, or do i stay in my own man-made bunkers? either way, maybe i’ll find more pieces. but if not, i’ll still have serenity.

In the heat of the worry, Michael wonders if this kind of stress is worth it. Not when he feels what he's built in his corner of the server has done so far enough for him. We know he designed the place not only for his own comfort but for the comfort of those who want the same safety he wants. We know he is trying so hard to cope with being alone.

He ends, making up his mind, deciding to go in those few days. If this doesn't go the way he wanted, he has the home he's made for himself to rely on.