#finale speculation

Buck.

She knows about Buck, of course. Buck is everywhere—in books on the bookshelf in Eddie’s house, in a million stories from both him and Christopher, in the mobile on Christopher’s ceiling, in random food in Eddie’s cabinets—

She knows about Buck. But at the same time, Buck is also a question mark. An unknown quantity. She’s never met him, she’s never seen him with Eddie, with Christopher, with Carla—he’s a stranger who is nonetheless pressed firmly into the fabric of Eddie’s life, of Christopher’s life. And she can’t help wondering, especially now, if maybe he’s not the stranger at all.

She is.

Ana sits with that for a long time, until Carla knocks on the door and sweeps in, handing her a cup of coffee.

“Tube’s out, that’s a good sign,” Carla says.

Ana clears her throat. “Yeah. He opened his eyes for a little bit. Was still pretty out of it.”

She pauses, then adds— “He was asking for Buck.”

Something flickers over Carla’s face, but Ana doesn’t know her well enough to even begin to decipher it.

“Well,” Carla replies, “as far as I know, Buck was the last person he saw before and right after the shooting. So it makes sense. And I imagine he’s on so many drugs he wouldn’t recognize his own mother right now.”

Ana bites her lip. “Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.”

She tries to believe that.

Buck never comes to the hospital when she’s there. But then, Ana isn’t sure whether Buck visits Eddie in the hospital at all. He’s there at the end though, bringing Eddie home. He walks through the door and Isabel and Carla and Christopher are all smiles and tight hugs and whispers and the look on Eddie’s face watching them all is—

Ana makes it all of half an hour before she catches Eddie alone.

“I’m really glad you’re okay,” she says, and Eddie manages a tired smile.

“Thank you,” he replies. “For being here, and in the hospital. You didn’t have to stay.”

Ana nods. Her fingers worry the fabric of her skirt as she tries to find the words for what she wants to ask.

“You know, I was thinking—” She shakes her head and the words that trip off her tongue aren’t anything she planned. 

“I don’t really belong here. Do I?”

Eddie’s eyes widen in surprise, but something else flickers through them as well. Regret. And that’s her answer.

“This whole time, I think I’ve been trying to fit into a particular space. In your life. In Christopher’s. But—there was never really a space, was there?” Ana looks across the room to where Buck is on his knees talking low with Christopher. “Because it’s already his. Right? It’s Buck. He’s it for you?”

Eddie follows her gaze for a moment and she catches the pang of longing that crosses his face before he looks away.

“I’m sorry,” he sighs.

“Did you know?”

“Of course not—”

“Then you don’t have to be sorry,” Ana says gently. She lets out a long breath and looks up to the ceiling as she collects her thoughts.

“Okay.” She picks up her purse and slides it on her shoulder. She kisses Eddie’s cheek.

“You should tell him,” she says.

It’s the cleanest breakup she’s ever had. The nicest. The easiest. And it doesn’t really hurt.

Which probably says enough.