#fictional diary

Mid Mar, 2025

I wish I could say spring has sprung. It’s been nothing but cold, blustery weather. The valley creates shady pockets, resulting in patches of undernourished trees. Thankfully, most of the property around the mill is elevated but there’s been a spate of downed trees, making my trail walking that much more hazardous. 

I’m too restless to let the poor weather keep me inside. Walking consistently is probably the best (only) thing I do for my mental health. I have a preference for hiking the back trails, which are a series of foot and wagon paths created back when the mill was in its prime (about a hundred some years ago). It’s beautiful back there. Beyond the crumbling powerhouse, there’s an old dam and a series of lazy cascades, surrounded by the mossy forest and all variety of critters. 

It’s a bit of a trick to walk the back trails. I have to scale down a steep hill as the wooden ramps used in the past have long since deteriorated. There’s enough tree branches and vines to get me up and down the slope, but it’s not ideal. Especially, as everyone keeps reminding me, I live on my own.

Shay and Ravi finally got back a couple days ago. They travelled all over the south of France and apparently had the best time. Ravi kept calling it their ‘second honeymoon’ and extended the trip twice. I could tell Shay was glad to be back home. He can’t stand being away from his own kitchen for more than a few days… but I know he had fun. 

They came over to the mill a few days after they had settled back in. Both were sun-kissed, buzzing from recent delights and indescribable moments. In contrast, I looked like the unabomber who remembered to put on a clean shirt. Prior to their visit, I had let a number of things slide at the mill. I was self-conscious enough to finally run out to the store and restock the kitchen. Thankfully, I’m actually pretty tidy by nature so the last-minute cleaning sprint was largely just hiding evidence of my wallowing. I jumped out of my week-old sweats and put on some decent clothes. It felt like I was cosplaying as their normal friend.

And it almost worked!! 

The laundry was put away and the dishes were clean. I was chatty and genuinely happy to see them. Sweet, trusting Shay bought it hook, line and sinker. He casually inspected my kitchen, pretending to look for some crackers to serve with his homemade dip. It all passed his inspection. So, he was pleased and snuggled with me on the couch while he showed me no less than 300 vacation photos. The other one knew better. 

Shay is my closest friend and an old flame, but we never lived together for an extended period of time. Ravi rescued me from the hell that was dormitory life and we shared his apartment for almost 4 years when we were both undergrads. My moods weren’t quite as unstable back then but there were telltale signs of depression. Apart from withdrawing from social activities and oversleeping, I would start neglecting my health. After a few days of me rewatching the same season of Frasier nonstop and consuming nothing but smoked almonds and coffee, he would intervene, get me moving, coax me out of my shell with gentle but insistent prodding. 

So, of course he noticed empty tins of nuts in the recycling. His eyebrows raised slightly when he saw the pile of DVDs shoved loosely under the coffee table. Ravi is a talented physician, so it was completely natural for him to inquire about my sleep schedule during dinner. Shay didn’t bat an eye when I fibbed about sleeping 7 hours a night. Ravi peered at me over the rim of wireframe glasses, taking note of the dark circles under my eyes. He knew it was all circumstantial and I could easily explain away everything. It didn’t take him long to find hard evidence.

It was getting late and I showed them the door. Shay gave me a bear hug and told me how happy he was to be back. We made plans to go hiking later that week. 

Ravi hung back, “You go start the car. I forgot my hat… I’ll be right there!”

I closed the door behind Shay and started scanning the large open room for his wool hat. “Do you think you left it in the bathroom?”

Ravi’s neatly trimmed beard turned downwards into a tight frown. He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out my cell phone, “Care to explain this?”

I faltered. I had totally forgotten about that damn phone! “Umm, it looks like you found my phone! I knew it was around here somewhere.”

“Yes, it’s in the same place where I put it before we left on our trip, which was several weeks ago!”

The way he stressed his last words, I could tell he was upset. The best course of action was to come clean. Maybe I would get some sympathy points if I simply asked for forgiveness. “I’m sorry… I hope you’re not too mad. I’m just not really a phone person. I’ve been texting you guys on my laptop.”

“Instead of taking your phone on your hikes, like you promised.” 

I couldn’t stand the disappointment in his voice. “I’m sorry, really! I just have an aversion to phones and I guess I haven’t been in the best place, y’know… um, mentally.”

Ravi’s face never softened. He reached into his other pocket, pulling out the hat he had stashed inside. “You and I need to have a discussion. I’m assuming you’re free tomorrow?”

“Yeah, sure… come over anytime.” 

He gave me a stiff hug, “I’ll call before I head over. Charge this damn thing.” Then he stuck the phone in my hand and left without another word. 

That was that. Obviously, the man was pissed at me and I couldn’t blame him. He was the sole reason I was released from the hospital instead of spending weeks in an institution. He was the one who got the call when the search party found me, dehydrated and out of my mind, lost deep in the woods. One of the few things he asked of me was to be safe and carry a phone around when I went hiking. That and to not be a total dick to my therapist. To this date, I have thoroughly failed him on both points. 

But there wasn’t much I could do besides apologize and promise to do better. I found the phone charger and dutifully hung around all morning, waiting for him to storm in and deliver yet another lecture on how I’m responsible for my health and well-being and all that rot. It wasn’t until mid-afternoon that he texted, telling me he was on the way. 

I plopped onto my bed up in the loft, deciding to busy myself with some light reading until I heard the front doors open. Except for the loft, the living space in the mill is just one large open space apart from the bathroom. I snuck a look over the railing and was slightly startled to see Ravi staring back up at me. 

“Hiding from me already? You must have a guilty conscience.” 

His tone was less severe than last night. I was hopeful that I was in the clear, “I’m not hiding. You’re welcome to come up.”

The loft is fairly roomy, with a good amount of space for my bed and dresser. I could add a chair or even a small couch, but I haven’t really bothered to furnish the mill outside of what my uncle left behind. Without any other choices, Ravi sat next to me on the bed. “You realize you’re not holding up your end of the deal.”

I had been laying on my stomach. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling, finding it easier to reply without meeting his eyes. “Yeah… I know. I found the phone charger.”

“It’s not about the phone, it’s about your safety! I called Dr. Henriksen.. he says you’re becoming increasingly difficult and that you missed your last two sessions.”

I folded my arms, keeping my eyes locked on the ceiling fan. “Okay, but in my defense the guy is impossible to talk to. He answers every question with another question. It’s exhausting!”

Ravi nudged me so I would face him. “You also haven’t made an appointment for your check-up. You promised me you would see the nurse-practitioner while we were away.”

I glanced over. His face was knitted with concern. It made me feel worse. “How do you know? I’m not your patient… isn’t that supposed to be confidential?”

Ravi stared patiently at me over his glasses, “I own the clinic. I’m allowed to look at who makes appointments. When do you plan to make yours?”

All this focus on my missteps was starting to feel uncomfortable. I rolled away from him, “I don’t know.”

“That’s about what I expected to hear.”

It wasn’t a huge surprise when he rolled me back on my stomach and sat on my legs. Ravi is a physical person. It’s hard to remember exactly when he figured out I was ticklish but it was probably through some form of friendly massage. It wasn’t such a terrible thing to have a college roommate who liked to give rubs. Even if we were chatting on the couch, half the time he would put my feet in his lap, often alternating between a relaxing massage and mischievous strokes. 

Although he’s a much bigger tease than Shay, he is way less effective at driving me insane. Ravi and I have always strictly been friends, so he lacks the intimate knowledge Shay gained during our young romance. And he’s just not as intuitive. Ravi will settle for a few minutes of laughter and be satisfied that we had a playful interaction. Hence, I wasn’t too nervous when I felt him pulling my socks off. I’m self-aware enough to realize when I’m being difficult and in fairness, I had let the guy down. I protested mildly but decided it wasn’t a big deal to let him blow off some steam. 

“Let’s try this again,” I could hear the taunting in his voice. “When do you plan to make an appointment at the clinic?”

There was the familiar feeling of his large hands descending onto my soles. I didn’t hold back and gave myself the relief of laughter. I was a bit more sensitive than usual, given that no one had touched my feet for months and they were a bit tender from the frequency of my hikes. That being said, my feet really aren’t a terrible spot for me. Sure, I’ll giggle and squirm (which can be somewhat embarrassing) but I don’t lose my mind. Through my snickering, I promised yet again to make an appointment with his nurse.

Ravi sighed as he paused, “You say you’re going to make the appointment, but then you don’t. I’m not sure this is the best way to get through to you.”

I shifted underneath his weight, assuming the worst was over. “You’re certainly welcome to get off me.”

He rustled around in his pocket, “Oh no, you’re not getting off that easily.”

I twisted around, trying to get a better look. “What are you doing?”

Ravi glanced over his shoulder, his handsome face beaming with terrible intent. “I’m calling in the big guns.”

He must have put it on speaker because I heard the call go through. I couldn’t be certain what he was planning until I heard the dangerous lilt of an Irish accent pipe up. “Hello, luv! How’re you getting on?”

The bastard had called Shay! I’m not sure what expression of dismay crossed my face but it seemed to delight the traitor perched on top of me. He grinned as he set his phone down beside us, “I’m visiting our dear friend, Lu. Actually, I’m currently sitting on them. We’re at a bit of an impasse and I was hoping you could help us out.”

“Hi Lu! What seems to be the problem?”

Ravi raised an eyebrow at me, peering expectedly over his glasses. “Go ahead, explain.”

This was a clear trap. It was certainly no secret that if Shay knew how remiss I’d been with my general well-being, he’d end up moving in, fretting over everything, smothering me with attention. There were several items where I dropped the ball… not eating well, hiking without my phone, ignoring my therapist, refusing to get a check-up. I needed to pick one that wouldn’t send Shay packing! 

“Umm, well, Ravi is currently sitting on top of me because… he doesn’t think I’ve been eating healthy enough.”

I could hear Shay chuckle through the phone, “Oh dear. I suppose you’ll need to convince him you’re going to do better.”

Ravi turned back towards my feet, “That’s exactly the issue! They need to make me believe they’ll keep their word this time.”

He started scratching at my feet, catching me off guard. I knew I had messed up but I wasn’t convinced I deserved this… getting tickled over the phone! I buried my face in the comforter, attempting to silence my laughter.

Ravi continued as he complained to his husband, “See? I can’t get them to laugh like you can. I need you to help me get my point across.”

“Uh oh, Lu. You’ve definitely got him upset if he’s asking me for help! Where are you tickling them?”

“Their feet.”

“Oh yeah, they have to be in a mood for that to work. You can try picking one foot up by the ankle… that can get them going.”

“No…! Shay doesn’t know what he’s talking about!” I argued uselessly as Ravi pulled one of my feet up into an armlock. As predicted, it tickled a lot more. His fingers scribbled over my lifted sole, making me laugh that much harder as I pressed my face hard into the bed.

“Is it working?”

“Yes, but they’re trying to stay quiet. They have their head buried in a blanket.”

“Shuuhuuut uuup!!” I could feel my face start to burn as they joined my laughter. 

Ravi paused, “That’s not really what I’m after though. How do you get the crazy laugh? The one where they sound like they’re dying?”

“Oh, come on!!” I struggled to roll back over but it was no use. My friend had the size advantage. He barely squared himself off to keep me in place.

Shay snickered over the line, “Oh, poor Lu. You really should listen to Ravi about your health. We’re lucky to have a doctor in our midst. Now, let’s see… you’re sitting on them, facing their feet?”

“That’s right.” Ravi continued to play lightly with my feet. Not enough to make me laugh but just enough to make me feel helpless.

Shay’s voice grew thoughtful, “Hmm. So, can you reach backwards and give their sides a tweak?”

“Yes, I believe I can….!” 

“NO!!” My arms snapped down instinctively. It helped some but Ravi’s large hands were still able to find purchase. I heard my voice crack; there was a frantic edge to my giggling as his deft fingers maneuvered around my arms, tweaking the soft flesh.

Ravi continued to fumble with my sides, “That sort of works, but they’re blocking my hands.”

The amusement in Shay's voice was clear, “Come on now, Lu. Be a sport and let Ravi tickle you properly.”

I tried to respond with some well-earned insults but I couldn’t spit them out. For every poke that was blocked, another found its mark, sending me into spasms of laughter. At best, the words “fucking” and “idiots” were audible but I was becoming unraveled. Being tickled by my former roommate was one thing, but I couldn’t stand this impromptu coaching session!

Despite my growing hysterics, Shay picked up on my rudeness. “Doesn’t sound like they’re cooperating.”

Ravi released my sides and went back to casually stroking my feet. “No, they’re not. But I think it’s starting to get to them. I’m guessing this little conversation is making them feel a bit self-conscious.”

“Shuuhuut uuuhupp!!” I buried my face in the blanket again, feeling my cheeks growing warm.

“See? They’re not taking this seriously. Any other ideas?”

There was a scary silence on the other line as Shay considered the possibilities. “Okay, try this. Turn yourself around so you’re facing the other way.”

I whined as Ravi repositioned himself on my back to face forwards. He gave my shoulders a loving squeeze. “Right, now what?”

“Oh dear, this is a bit mean. It will work though. Grab one of their arms and pin it behind their back.”

I struggled to keep my arm down by my side but it was no use. Ravi is a former athlete, not to mention a foot taller than me. His grip was strong but gentle as he easily pinned my arm down. “Got it!”

Shay giggled wickedly. “There you go. Their sides and ribs are about as ticklish as you can get. Go nuts!”

“Shay… what the hell??!” I struggled to roll out of the hold, but it was useless.

Of course, my evil friend remained annoyingly cheerful. “It’ll do you some good, love… sorry! I have to run anyway, I’m late getting to the shop. You two have fun! Ravi, don’t kill them… oh, and don’t forget their neck! Bye!”

I couldn’t see Ravi’s face but I could sense his Cheshire cat grin. I squirmed slightly, evaluating my position. My large friend, a known tease, who was feeling quite irate, was sitting on top of me, holding my arm behind my back leaving my left side completely defenseless. What were my options?? I had to start saying the things he wanted to hear.

“Listen, Ravi… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. I promise I’ll try better!”

Ravi ran his hand down my side, causing me to shiver. “Another promise? Let me give you some motivation to keep it.”

He had full access and began kneading my side with his strong fingers. This was a departure from his typically playful style. He was methodical, varying in pressure and range, trying to gauge my response. My sides are horribly ticklish and being pinned made the sensations that much more intense. It wasn’t long before I was going to pieces. 

“Now, what are we going to do about your checkup? Exactly when can I expect you to make the appointment?”

His hand moved up to my ribs, wiggling, pressing, discovering which ones made me giggle and which ones made me wail. I could hardly move and the urge to beg was rising in my throat. The only way to get out of this with a shred of dignity was total compliance. There was a short enough pause, just enough for me to wheeze out my surrender, “T-t-today! Ahahaa, let me g-go… I’ll do it t-today!”

Ravi’s voice was still stony, “Very good. Now, what about your diet? I believe you promised me you were going to prioritize your health. When do you think you’ll stop eating exclusively from cans?”

Fingers went back onto my ribs, traipsing down to my sides, poking, squeezing, lingering on the worst spots, up and down, over and over, again and again. Forming an answer was out of the question. Until he let up, until he decided he wanted to hear my reply, he was going to make me laugh. My mind started to spin as pleas for mercy dotted the stream of my insane cackling. Ravi had never tickled me this intensely; it was clear he intended to teach me a lesson.

There was a momentary ceasefire as he let me catch my breath. “Well, let’s hear your plan.”

I didn’t have a plan to start eating better! My brain was still short-circuiting from the massive sensory input. I grasped at straws as I hiccupped a response. “Ummm… I’ll s-start shopping again? Y-you can come check my c-cabinets every s-s-so often?”

I could start to hear his voice finally lighten up. “Well, there’s an interesting thought. I’m so glad to hear you sounding reasonable again. And I’m sure you’ll resume therapy and start treating your doctor with respect?”

I was thankful that he made the correct answer obvious, “Yes! I p-promise!”

“Very good. Now, what about this phone situation?”

I gulped, fearing this wasn’t over. “I’ll charge it! I’ll be sure to t-take it on my hikes!”

“I wish I could be certain you meant that. If only there was a way to underscore how important this is.” He was starting to sound alarmingly amused. Ravi had always been a tease and loved to find excuses to knock me down a peg whenever my ego got the best of me. 

My only hope was compassion for my pitiful situation. “You made your p-point! C’mon… I c-can’t even move.”

“Hmm, no, you certainly can’t. What was it Shay said before he got off the phone?”

“Uh, d-don’t kill me?”

“I believe he said ‘don’t forget about their neck’.”

A loud, embarrassing scream was forced from my lips as his punishing fingers found their way to my death spot. Begging resumed, now increased by volume and intensity. It’s my no-touch spot. It’s my instant freak-out spot. All I could do was scrunch one shoulder or flip my head side to side… but it was no use. One side was always open for the kill, fingers lightly dancing, softly scratching, along the collarbone, under the chin, wiggling in my ears! What I hoped were salient calls for mercy was unintelligible babbling. Finally, finally, finally he stopped. 

I gasped and giggled, fearing additional discipline. “Haaahaahaha, p-please… no m-more! I g-give up!”

Ravi let go of my arm and started rubbing my shoulders, “You’re giving up?? That is something rare. Nothing sarcastic to add to the statement? I could always do your other side.”

I buried my head into the pillow, still tittering and sounding completely pathetic. “Nooohoohoo! Please… I’ll k-keep my promises..!”

“I will expect daily pictures from your hikes, to prove you have your phone. And no going down that slope when it’s raining… and you're going to finally hire someone to carve you a proper path down to the trails!”

“Okahahaay!” His massage felt so good after the onslaught, I probably would have agreed to anything at that point.

Ravi kept up his administration for a few more minutes before rolling me over. Seriousness crept back onto his face. He ran his hand over his beard as he gazed at me. His eyes were burning with worry. “You’re not off the hook, you know.”

The love in his voice filled me with shame. I had never meant to upset my friend. “I really am sorry, Ravi. I just… spiraled.”

He tucked an extra pillow behind my head, “I know. We can keep the worst of it between you and me.”

“You’re not going to tell Shay everything?” I tried not to make my voice sound too hopeful.

“Don’t get too excited… you’re still in trouble! You’re also not the only one who suffers when he decides to play nurse and move in with you. The last thing I want to hear is him fussing and moaning about you for weeks on end.”

“Trouble? What does that mean?”

“It means I’ll be making regular house calls. And if you’re keeping your word and being truthful, we can probably limit ourselves to a few minor adjustments.” He gave my side a quick squeeze, causing me to coil up defensively. 

I snorted and batted his hand away, “What happens otherwise?”

Ravi brought his face close to mine and peered intensely over his glasses, “Then next time, I’ll be getting both sides.”

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i can't believe i'm finally back.

i haven't visited you in years. i'm excited to catch up with you.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

you didn't see me. it was dark outside, so i don't blame you. but i saw you. i saw you take your clothes off, and i saw your beauty. you've really grown.

i can't wait to reveal myself. you're gonna be so excited.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i was in your room. you still snore. it's still very soft, and it comes and goes. it reminds me of before. i missed it. it helps me sleep.

you were smiling. i think you were dreaming about me.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

you didn't even notice. i was right there. but you walked right past the bathroom like you didn't see me standing right there.

can you not see me anymore?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i have never met someone who leaves the door open when they shower, did you know that?

i'm not complaining. it was nice to be able to hear you sing while i was in your bedroom. it's been a long time since i heard your beautiful voice. you sound much more grown up now.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

have you ever wondered why i start my letters like that? if you wanna know, you can always ask me.

i'll be here.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

you didn't ask me. but i want to be nice, so i'll tell you something. it's dangerous to leave your body uncovered when you sleep.

i'm surprised you never questioned why for the past few days you felt so wet in the mornings. don't you remember the feeling? doesn't it remind you of before?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i can hear you on the phone with your friend. why are you acting like you don't know me? you can tell your friend about me, i don't mind.

i'm running out of paper. could you leave some on your bed for me?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i saw you trying to look for me before you left for work. i liked when you looked under the bed. of course i'm not there, silly. i've never liked being under your bed. don't you remember? you're so funny sometimes.

...you do know where i am, right?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

you took my advice. i'm glad you're trying to keep yourself safe, but it's really difficult for me to do my nightly routine when you tuck your covers in so tight.

it's okay. i get it. we haven't done this in a long time.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i found the note you left for me taped to the door of the other one's room. "funny prank, Alison, but it's not cool to use my imaginary friend story against me. you know that was forever ago. also, pay the fucking eletric bill!!" my name isn't Alison, and i can assure you i'm not playing a prank on you. who is Alison? what do you mean, 'imaginary friend'? and why did you complain to me about the electric bill?

i'm starting to feel like you don't remember me. i was only gone for a few years. why don't you remember?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i noticed the boxes in your room, and that half of your belongings were placed inside of them. what does that mean? is this some kind of game to keep me entertained while you're at work?

are you leaving me?

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i want you to see me.

i miss the days when you'd see me.

i'm in love with the way you taste.

i guess this is goodbye. again, and for good this time.

i really miss the little you. you used to talk to me, do you remember that? we didn't use letters. you didn't judge me. and you enjoyed when i visited. i'd wake you up, and you'd giggle and greet me. i wish you were still like that. you used to like the way i looked. you never said i looked scary. you liked me. you liked my grey color, my strange eyes, my many sharp teeth, my long tongue, my raspy and quiet voice. but not anymore.

it made me sad when you started seeing me less. it was when you became a teenager. you started to bring boys over from school, and i would come to you and i'd see a boy curled up in bed with you. do you know how mad that made me? i couldn’t take it. it had been years since we'd done our nightly routine. so i left, and found a new kid that didn't have friends. but she died. i think she killed herself during a period where i was gone. she was only a kid. it was very sad. but then i remembered you, and then... i came back for you.

you're all grown up now. you're 18. it's so good to see that you were okay even though i was gone. i worried about you a lot.

i'm sorry for revealing myself. i didn't mean to drive you away. i should have known that you'd forget about me by now. i know you love this apartment, i know you love Alison, i know you were excited to finally move away from home. but i ruined it. and you're moving again.

i want to come with you. but i won't. there are other kids out there that need a friend like me. i should have left you a long time ago. all i ask is that you find someone who makes you happy.