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âDATE NIGHT, noun: A pre-arranged occasion when a couple who have been together for a long time commit to a regular night out in order to keep their relationship alive.â
The series follows a collection of couples who are desperately trying to keep their relationship functioning by creating a weekly date night intervention. For some, the relationship is already broken, for others itâs their pre-emptive strike in the hope of new-found longevity. More often than not, the stakes are high, involving children, careers and homes.
Programme Website
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Episode 4 - âTerri and Terryâ Sketches
Listen on BBC Sounds
Featuring:
Fi Glover â Narrator
Marc Wootton â Terry
Catherine Tate â Terri
Hammed Animashaun â Darville
 16:48 â 18:44 and 23:50 â 27:28
(Transcript Below Cut)
(As both main characters are called Terry/Terri, transcript uses actorsâ initials.)
 FG:  In an attempt to put the spark back in their relationship, Terry has been working on a surprise for his wife of twenty-five years.
MW:Â Â This is proper nice, innit? Mm, just what the doctor ordered!
CT:Â Â Â Well it isnât actually what the doctor ordered, Terry, because he ordered you to cut down on cholesterol, so-
MW:Â Â -oh, true-
CT:Â Â Â -shoving that down your face-
MW:Â Â -Mm!
CT:Â Â Â Stuffing your face with korma! Stuffing your face! Pogging it down, you are!
MW:Â Â Iâm not- What do you mean, pogging it-
CT:Â Â Â -on a faster! Pogging it down! Just going down wholesale. Itâs not even touching the sides, youâre just inhaling it like a snake!
MW:Â Â Urgh.
CT:Â Â Â Another thing I read, you know what we should all do when we eat?
MW:Â Â What?
CT:Â Â Â We should blindfold ourselves.
MW:Â Â Why?
CT:   Then we wonât eat as much. Thereâs a restaurantâŚ
MW:Â Â Yeah?
CT:Â Â Â Thatâs completely in the dark. Youâre served by blind people-
MW:Â Â -Oh, donât like the sound of that!-
CT:Â Â Â -itâs called sensory appreciation. Itâs a sensory menu!
MW:Â Â Terri, I could try and do that; I could see if thereâs someone whoâs got a disability, and could serve us some food in the dark!
CT:Â Â Â Iâm just saying I want something different, I donât want someone with a guide dog handing me a pizza!
MW:Â Â Okay-
CT:   -I wanna⌠You know what I would like; a restaurant that you have to make a reservation for. My god, wouldnât that be⌠Can you imagine that? Not just turning up, âcos Darville knows our faces.
MW:Â Â Well, what sort of a restaurant do you want to go to?
CT:Â Â Â I want to go to a restaurant with a maĂŽtre dâ. I want to go to a restaurant with a sommelier.
MW:Â Â What?
CT:Â Â Â [tuts] Someone who knows about wine.
MW:  Okay. Alright. Look, Iâm, Iâm, Iâm⌠taking on board everything youâre saying-
CT:Â Â Â -No, youâre not, Terry.
MW:Â Â I am!
CT:Â Â Â Weâre sinking, Terry. I mean, Iâm like, Iâm, Iâm drowning in front of your eyes-
MW:Â Â -Okay, alright, why donât you pop out-
CT:Â Â Â -and you are not even-
MW:Â Â -to the garden?
CT:Â Â Â What?
MW:Â Â Why donât we pop out to the garden?
CT:Â Â Â What for?
MW:  Well⌠Just to have a little peep out there.
CT:Â Â Â Why would I want to peep out in the garden for?
MW:Â Â We could just, you know, go out and have a little breath of fresh air or whatever.
CT:   What would I want a breath of fresh airâŚ
[Fades into the background as the music begins to signal the end of the scene.]
[23:50 â 27:28]
CT:Â Â Â Whatâs that stuff on your hand?
MW:  Oh, itâs⌠work today, I sort of had⌠I sort of burnt them a bit. Itâs fine.
CT:Â Â Â You burnt one, have you been at my hair-straighteners again? You better not have been man-scaping again-
MW:Â Â -I havenât been man-scaping, I-
CT:Â Â Â -godâs sake! [sighs heavily]
MW:Â Â Dâyou wanna pop outside?
CT:   Oh my godâŚ
MW:Â Â Darville! Over here, [unintelligible].
CT:Â Â Â Oh, Terry, leave it, please!
MW:Â Â Oi! Darville, mate!
CT:Â Â Â Oh my god!
MW:Â Â Uh, everything alright in the garden?
HA:Â Â Yes, [unintelligible].
MW:Â Â Um, I was just saying to Terri, we could maybe pop out to the garden?
CT:Â Â Â [sighs heavily]
MW:  Darville thinks itâd be a good idea for us to go out to the garden. Uh⌠Can you remember the first song, what we met to?
CT:Â Â Â What?
MW:Â Â Can you remember our song? Terence Trent DâArby, Sign Your Name âCross My Face?
CT:Â Â Â Sign Your Name Across My Heart, Terry.
MW:  Nah, [sings] âsign your name, cross my face, I want you to be my ladyâ⌠[speaking] Can you when remember we went on our first date?
CT:Â Â Â [sighs heavily]
MW:Â Â Our very, very first date?
CT:Â Â Â Well, we must have got some really strange looks if my name was signed across your face!
MW:Â Â Do you remember? We went to the bonfire.
CT:Â Â Â Yeah, I do.
MW:Â Â Up on Kefinton Lane. Remember?
CT:Â Â Â Yes, I remember going to a bonfire!
MW:Â Â Do you remember the fireworks? You used to love fireworks. You did, you used to think they was great; I remember you clutching me close-
CT:Â Â Â -Terry-
MW:  -and you says to me, uh⌠âYouâre the fireworks in my starless sky.â
CT:Â Â Â Iâd have probably said can you get me a jacket potato, Iâm hungry.
MW:Â Â Well, I remember. You might not.
CT:   Oh, I do remember the fireworks, Terry. But I⌠I want real fireworks, you know?
MW:Â Â Yeah, well why donât we go out to the garden?
CT:Â Â Â What is your obsession with going out to the garden, Terry? I donât want to go out to the poxy garden!
MW:Â Â Itâs not an obsession! Darville thought it would be a good idea for us to out to the garden!
CT:Â Â Â What does Darville care about me going out to the garden for?
MW:  Well it might be nice, you might wanna get a bit⌠bit of fresh air, you know, stretch your legsâŚ
CT:Â Â Â I donât want to go to the garden, Terry.
MW:Â Â Just come out for five minutes.
CT:Â Â Â Why?
MW:  Well justâŚ
CT:Â Â Â I donât want to go to the garden, Terry.
MW:Â Â Go on.
CT:Â Â Â No!
MW:Â Â Please? Darville!
CT:Â Â Â Oh my god, donât do this to me, for godâs sake leave it alone â leave him out of it; Terry, shut up! Sorry that youâre in the middle of all this, Darville, but â actually Terryâs best friend, maybe youâd be able to support him, because I canât do this anymore!
MW:Â Â Ah no, just pop out?
CT:Â Â Â I canât do this anymore-
MW:Â Â -five minutes-
CT:Â Â Â -and I donât want to go to the garden. Terry, I donât think you understand anything, do yaâ? I mean, itâs all literally falling down around our ears. I donât want this anymore Terry, I mean I just simply cannot do it; we are dying, and I canât do it. Iâve stuck around this long, I have tried to make it work, but honestly, Iâve stuck around for [unintelligible]Â ...that is unbelievable, but when she leaves, and thatâs gonna be soon Terry, it is four years, sheâs gonna leave, and I am going to resent you so much. Thereâs no point in just waiting around [unintelligible] Terry, Iâve gotta go now! Sorry, Terry, but Iâve gotta go!
[Long Pause]
MW:Â Â [sighs] Well, I didnât see that coming, Darville. Well what are we gonna do about the fireworks? Itâs off. I mean youâre might as well let âem off now, might get a couple of your mates or whatever to watch. Donât really think I can stomach it myself.
HA:Â Â [unintelligible]
MW:Â Cheers, Darville. Thanks for your support.
HA:Â Â If you need my help, Iâm always here.
MW:Â I know you are, mate. I know you are. Thanks.
[Music begins again, signalling the end of the scene.]
