Date Night
(A Black Hat production for BBC Radio 4)
“DATE NIGHT, noun: A pre-arranged occasion when a couple who have been together for a long time commit to a regular night out in order to keep their relationship alive.”
The series follows a collection of couples who are desperately trying to keep their relationship functioning by creating a weekly date night intervention. For some, the relationship is already broken, for others it’s their pre-emptive strike in the hope of new-found longevity. More often than not, the stakes are high, involving children, careers and homes.
Programme Website
Episode 4 - “Terri and Terry” Sketches
Listen on BBC Sounds
Featuring:
Fi Glover – Narrator Marc Wootton – Terry Catherine Tate – Terri Hammed Animashaun – Darville
16:48 – 18:44 and 23:50 – 27:28
(Transcript Below Cut)
(As both main characters are called Terry/Terri, transcript uses actors’ initials.)
FG: In an attempt to put the spark back in their relationship, Terry has been working on a surprise for his wife of twenty-five years.
MW: This is proper nice, innit? Mm, just what the doctor ordered!
CT: Well it isn’t actually what the doctor ordered, Terry, because he ordered you to cut down on cholesterol, so-
MW: -oh, true-
CT: -shoving that down your face-
MW: -Mm!
CT: Stuffing your face with korma! Stuffing your face! Pogging it down, you are!
MW: I’m not- What do you mean, pogging it-
CT: -on a faster! Pogging it down! Just going down wholesale. It’s not even touching the sides, you’re just inhaling it like a snake!
MW: Urgh.
CT: Another thing I read, you know what we should all do when we eat?
MW: What?
CT: We should blindfold ourselves.
MW: Why?
CT: Then we won’t eat as much. There’s a restaurant…
MW: Yeah?
CT: That’s completely in the dark. You’re served by blind people-
MW: -Oh, don’t like the sound of that!-
CT: -it’s called sensory appreciation. It’s a sensory menu!
MW: Terri, I could try and do that; I could see if there’s someone who’s got a disability, and could serve us some food in the dark!
CT: I’m just saying I want something different, I don’t want someone with a guide dog handing me a pizza!
MW: Okay-
CT: -I wanna… You know what I would like; a restaurant that you have to make a reservation for. My god, wouldn’t that be… Can you imagine that? Not just turning up, ‘cos Darville knows our faces.
MW: Well, what sort of a restaurant do you want to go to?
CT: I want to go to a restaurant with a maître d’. I want to go to a restaurant with a sommelier.
MW: What?
CT: [tuts] Someone who knows about wine.
MW: Okay. Alright. Look, I’m, I’m, I’m… taking on board everything you’re saying-
CT: -No, you’re not, Terry.
MW: I am!
CT: We’re sinking, Terry. I mean, I’m like, I’m, I’m drowning in front of your eyes-
MW: -Okay, alright, why don’t you pop out-
CT: -and you are not even-
MW: -to the garden?
CT: What?
MW: Why don’t we pop out to the garden?
CT: What for?
MW: Well… Just to have a little peep out there.
CT: Why would I want to peep out in the garden for?
MW: We could just, you know, go out and have a little breath of fresh air or whatever.
CT: What would I want a breath of fresh air…
[Fades into the background as the music begins to signal the end of the scene.]
[23:50 – 27:28]
CT: What’s that stuff on your hand?
MW: Oh, it’s… work today, I sort of had… I sort of burnt them a bit. It’s fine.
CT: You burnt one, have you been at my hair-straighteners again? You better not have been man-scaping again-
MW: -I haven’t been man-scaping, I-
CT: -god’s sake! [sighs heavily]
MW: D’you wanna pop outside?
CT: Oh my god…
MW: Darville! Over here, [unintelligible].
CT: Oh, Terry, leave it, please!
MW: Oi! Darville, mate!
CT: Oh my god!
MW: Uh, everything alright in the garden?
HA: Yes, [unintelligible].
MW: Um, I was just saying to Terri, we could maybe pop out to the garden?
CT: [sighs heavily]
MW: Darville thinks it’d be a good idea for us to go out to the garden. Uh… Can you remember the first song, what we met to?
CT: What?
MW: Can you remember our song? Terence Trent D’Arby, Sign Your Name ‘Cross My Face?
CT: Sign Your Name Across My Heart, Terry.
MW: Nah, [sings] “sign your name, cross my face, I want you to be my lady”… [speaking] Can you when remember we went on our first date?
CT: [sighs heavily]
MW: Our very, very first date?
CT: Well, we must have got some really strange looks if my name was signed across your face!
MW: Do you remember? We went to the bonfire.
CT: Yeah, I do.
MW: Up on Kefinton Lane. Remember?
CT: Yes, I remember going to a bonfire!
MW: Do you remember the fireworks? You used to love fireworks. You did, you used to think they was great; I remember you clutching me close-
CT: -Terry-
MW: -and you says to me, uh… “You’re the fireworks in my starless sky.”
CT: I’d have probably said can you get me a jacket potato, I’m hungry.
MW: Well, I remember. You might not.
CT: Oh, I do remember the fireworks, Terry. But I… I want real fireworks, you know?
MW: Yeah, well why don’t we go out to the garden?
CT: What is your obsession with going out to the garden, Terry? I don’t want to go out to the poxy garden!
MW: It’s not an obsession! Darville thought it would be a good idea for us to out to the garden!
CT: What does Darville care about me going out to the garden for?
MW: Well it might be nice, you might wanna get a bit… bit of fresh air, you know, stretch your legs…
CT: I don’t want to go to the garden, Terry.
MW: Just come out for five minutes.
CT: Why?
MW: Well just…
CT: I don’t want to go to the garden, Terry.
MW: Go on.
CT: No!
MW: Please? Darville!
CT: Oh my god, don’t do this to me, for god’s sake leave it alone – leave him out of it; Terry, shut up! Sorry that you’re in the middle of all this, Darville, but – actually Terry’s best friend, maybe you’d be able to support him, because I can’t do this anymore!
MW: Ah no, just pop out?
CT: I can’t do this anymore-
MW: -five minutes-
CT: -and I don’t want to go to the garden. Terry, I don’t think you understand anything, do ya’? I mean, it’s all literally falling down around our ears. I don’t want this anymore Terry, I mean I just simply cannot do it; we are dying, and I can’t do it. I’ve stuck around this long, I have tried to make it work, but honestly, I’ve stuck around for [unintelligible] ...that is unbelievable, but when she leaves, and that’s gonna be soon Terry, it is four years, she’s gonna leave, and I am going to resent you so much. There’s no point in just waiting around [unintelligible] Terry, I’ve gotta go now! Sorry, Terry, but I’ve gotta go!
[Long Pause]
MW: [sighs] Well, I didn’t see that coming, Darville. Well what are we gonna do about the fireworks? It’s off. I mean you’re might as well let ‘em off now, might get a couple of your mates or whatever to watch. Don’t really think I can stomach it myself.
HA: [unintelligible]
MW: Cheers, Darville. Thanks for your support.
HA: If you need my help, I’m always here.
MW: I know you are, mate. I know you are. Thanks.
[Music begins again, signalling the end of the scene.]
