Chapter Fifty-seven: Halek: Flight
aka Halek spends roughly 7,000 words (!) in or on the way to Meelasugaado while being an emotional wreck
content notices: blood; grief; background war; dissociation; confined space; mention and discussion of police violence; mention/discussion of prison violence; mention/discussion of psychiatric violence; self-blame; internalized saneism; hallucinations; paranoia; panic; flashbacks; food; touching; mention/discussion of sexual violence; self-harm mention; suicidal ideation; voluntary medication; kissing and sex mentions; mania; falling from heights; tarantula; self-hatred; internalized victim-blaming; fetishization of transness; bar fight; memory loss; cancer mention; relationships: platonic, romantic, sexual, queerplatonic, familial, sensual; alcohol; mild injury. It's a long chapter, lol.
Maaziariitna wrapped Halek in his coat to hide the blood and brought him to the commercial airship hangar.
"I know someone," ffe said.
Halek didn't say anything. Or do anything. He just let ffer lead him along.
"This is Åswså," Maaziariitna said, introducing him to a Sarkja cargo pilot. "Åswså, this is my cousin Halek. He needs to get to Meelasugaado."
Åswså leaned on the side of ffes airship and raised ffes eyebrows. "Maaziariitna… You know I can't land in Wend-Ki. I can't even fly over Wend-Ki right now without risking being shot down."
Halek felt his shoulders cave even further inwards.
Maaziariitna put on the face that always got ffer whatever ffe wanted. "Please? He's in danger if he stays here… I know about your little information op… you two probably know some of the same people. My grandkether is Juni Ano, remember?"
Under the numbness, Halek felt a spike of alarm. Maaziariitna shouldn't be talking about that.
"Please?" Maaziariitna smiled with shiny teeth and deep dimples and wide eyes. "For me?"
Åswså sighed and looked at Halek. "Right, you, how are you with heights?"
Halek shrugged listlessly. Heights were fine.
"He's great with heights," said Maaziariitna. "He's just had a shock is all. He's great. Heights aren't a problem."
"Okay," said Åswså. "Well… I can go the way I used to and pass over Meelasugaado instead of Sisiba and Ubéne and drop you by parachute, as long as my copilot agrees…"
Halek had to hide in a big wooden crate deep in the cargo hold until after takeoff. It smelled like unripe fruit.
He had to think about the fruit smell or he was going to lose it.
He was going to lose it anyway.
It was dark and cramped and he was alone and he had to stay very quiet and he didn't know how long he would have to stay in here.
Though there wasn't much space, he flexed his arms, just to remind himself that he could. No straightjacket. No restraints of any kind. He was fine.
He'd turned off his insulin pump so it wouldn't beep and give him away. That scared him. If he had a medical crisis in here, no one would know until it was too late.
"Hey."
He flinched.
Fuck.
He hadn't been hearing actual voices in a long time. It was harder to ignore voices than dying-smoke-detector chirps and faraway ambulance sirens and faint music. He hated being alone.
"They were right when they said you were violent, JM3160. Look at you now. All that blood."
Shut up.
"Crazy, aren't you, talking to people who aren't even real. Should take another trip to the psych ward."
Stop it. Shut up.
"If you ever get out of prison, that is."
Shut up shut up shut up.
Halek felt very scared and very upset and very young. He longed for his mother, for Neesa, even Talí- someone who understood about hearing things and could help him get through this until the voice went away.
"I'm always here, JM3160. I'm not going away. Always watching, just like them."
Stop calling me that, he thought, and then was frustrated with himself for even conceding to argue with it. It was just his own mind. There was never any convincing his own mind to stop.
How long had he been in here?
"Not that long. Normal people would be fine."
He put his head between his knees. It would be ages until takeoff. If he could only fall asleep- but he wasn't going to fall asleep. It would be worse to wake up like this, anyway, even if he could.
"Are you trying to use up all the air already?"
He wasn't going to run out of air. Yes he was. No, the crate wasn't airtight, Åswså had assured him of that.
What if ffe had lied? What if it was airtight?
What if ffe had lied to Maaziariitna and was going to turn him in? They'd send him back, they'd send him back forever this time-
"You'd deserve it."
"Stop," he hissed under his breath, then clamped his hand over his mouth.
The voice laughed.
His hand tasted like blood.
Yainogh- Yainogh-aer's blood. He slammed it back down in horror.
"You should stick a lighter in there to purify it."
It was an accident. Accidents didn't count. The Ðíúharlaes couldn't consume blood but accidents didn't count as wrong. It didn't count.
Was the crate getting smaller? It felt like it was getting smaller. It couldn't be getting smaller, that wasn't physically possible. It felt like he had even less space than he'd started with.
He had to remember to stay quiet if he cried.
It was like he was back to being fourteen. One day he had just- he'd had it with the searches, and he had been so afraid of the way that guard was looking at him, and he'd snapped and he'd punched him and they'd-
"You deserved it. What else were they meant to do with you, JM3160?"
-and they hadn't told him how long it would be, and he'd been so utterly alone, and he remembered slamming his shoulders into the concrete walls of the dark cell just for some kind of stimulation and screaming and screaming, let me out let me out let me out-
Halek thought that was what had broken him, if the rest of it hadn't already, if he had to point to one specific incident that he'd never been the same since.
He was going to die in here.
He fell asleep after all, having eventually worn himself out with panic.
"Hey." Åswså shook his shoulder.
Halek yelped. After all that, waking up to a stranger touching him-
"We're in the air. You can get out of there now."
Halek let out a quiet, devastated "oh" as he remembered.
Yainogh-aer.
The flight to Meelasugaado was about three and a half days. As of last night, Halek had had enough insulin in his pump for two. He was trying to ration it manually and consequently feeling pretty crummy physically on top of his shell-shocked emotions.
He didn't have any of his medications with him, aside from what was left in his pump and a few painkillers he'd found in his pocket, which he had ended up cutting into quarters so he didn't go completely into withdrawal.
He wasn't going to suddenly progress to full-blown AIDS within such a short period, so the antiretrovirals didn't worry him too much. As long as he picked them up at the pharmacy he used in Meelasugaado, that would turn out okay.
The lithium was going to be a problem. It didn't have withdrawal but he could tell that the abrupt stop and the emotional trauma of, well, everything had thrown his emotional stability completely out the window and he was on the edge of a manic episode. Because he wasn't already in enough shit or something.
"Do you have something I can use to write?" He hardly more than mumbled, but Åswså miraculously heard him.
"He speaks!" ffe exclaimed.
He hadn't exactly felt like making small talk.
"Please," he said in a small voice.
"Yeah. Pen and notebook good?"
He nodded.
"'Kay." Ffe rummaged around and found them for him. "You can just tear out the page when you're done. Ignore whatever's in there already, it's just weather data and stuff, you probably can't read most of it anyway."
He nodded in thanks and took the notebook and pen back to where he'd been sitting.
Juraji-
On my way to Meelasugaado now. I don't know what kind of state I'll arrive in so I'm making you a list of things I'm going to need in case I can't communicate them effectively or don't know anymore.
pick up my prescriptions from the pharmacy. Make sure I take my insulin and the ARVs. Don't push about the lithium, it will make me feel better but I might not want it and I'll take it when I'm ready, will probably freak out if you push about it so just pick it up for when I want it. Also don't let me take too many painkillers too quickly, they're pretty strong so just remind me of that and I'm okay with you taking them away from me and give them out on a schedule if you have to.
I'm usually fine with you touching my hair but just be careful about it, I'm not in a good state right now at all and I get really sensitive to triggers when I'm already feeling fraught
Probably I will be very upset a lot, just be ready for that
Please tell Diihse: I might want to have sex but it's not a good idea. I'll think it will make me feel better but I will feel worse after so I'd like you to just tell me no for now please even if I really want it in the moment
Don't try to keep me anywhere. If I go out alone or run off it might be ill-judged but me feeling trapped will be so much worse for all of us
Something happened and I lost someone. I don't know if I'll want to talk about it. Let me talk if I want to but also don't push
As usual please don't ask about scars tattoos etc that I haven't talked about unless it's a wound in need of immediate attention in which case be gentle about any questions please
If you can avoid loud banging noises that would be great
I might get angry/annoyed more easily for a while
Don't worry too much if it seems like I'm seeing or hearing or feeling things that aren't there, I probably am but it's probably fine unless I'm getting really upset. Happens a lot but I'm worse at ignoring it and knowing it's not real when I'm manic. Also might get paranoid about being watched (more than usual). Just be sensitive about that I guess? It's normal but it sucks and you might be annoyed by it all. Sorry
Åswså checked the straps of his parachute. "Five minutes and then you'll jump. A minute in, you deploy the chute. The city will be to the west of you when you land. Okay?"
Halek swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded. He'd always wondered while using the carpet what it would be like to fall. There had been the incident with the Bridge, but he didn't remember that.
"Okay, now!" ffe said.
Halek found that his knees had locked up.
"You're missing the window," ffe said, and pushed him.
Halek was too startled and disoriented to scream.
For a brief moment, it was just like flying, except down.
He deployed the parachute. It was… weird. Kind of nice, to float. He could just hang here in the air forever, and that would be okay.
He was less content with crashing through the thick jungle canopy.
He let out several minutes of "ow ouch ouch fuck ow" as the branches smacked him and scratched him and pulled at his hair.
He added another plaintive "owwwww" when he hit the wet ground and the impact rattled up his leg.
The parachute landed on top of him.
He lay there for a while, smothered by the pile of nylon, and soaked in the comforting familiarity of the humid air. Getting up seemed like a lot of work that maybe wasn't worth it. He could just let the plants consume him.
"Gah!" He sat up with a start after an encounter with a curious tarantula reminded him that he really didn't like things crawling on him.
The tarantula had been flung about a metre away.
"Sorry," said Halek. Tears pricked at the back of his throat. "Sorry. I didn't mean to cause you any trouble. Um, here." He reached out and carefully nudged the spider into his cupped hand. "I'll just… I'll just put you on this vine here. Good? I didn't want anyone to get hurt…"
It only took him about a quarter of an hour of picking through the lush vegetation with his cane to find a road.
He scanned the shoulder of the road and contemplated how bumpy it looked, and then he contemplated how much his leg hurt already and how much more it would hurt by the time he made it to a bus stop if he walked the whole way, and he switched his cane for his wheelchair. Digging around in his pocket for the keychain reminded him of how there was blood all over his clothes and why. He sat and stared at the ground for a while until he felt like he could breathe again.
Diihse opened the door, and Halek fell on him.
Diihse patted his head as Halek cried into his strong shoulder.
"I'm sorry," said Halek, unable to let go of Diihse or articulate what he meant even to himself. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Doorbell guest friend here Halek blood cry surprise help what hurt sad why?" Diihse said, pulling Halek inside without letting go.
Halek took a moment to parse that, still clinging to Diihse’s shoulders. "I had to leave Rāmia. I didn't know where else to go. I'm sorry. Sorry. I needed to leave. I didn't have anywhere else-"
"Blood?" Diihse said again, and Halek remembered that he hadn't changed clothes since Yainogh-
-since Yainogh-
Yainogh-aer. Yainogh-aer now.
"It's not mine," said Halek, wanting to rip off his clothes and skin. It's not mine. How little that expressed. It wasn't his but it might as well have been. Family blood.
Diihse manoeuvred them into the living room and sat Halek down on the couch, carefully detaching Halek from himself.
"Halek," Diihse said, bending down to meet Halek's eyes. "Safe."
Diihse left the room, and Halek started violently rocking back and forth, gasping for air. Why had Diihse left him? It wasn't good for him to be alone.
Yainogh was dead. Dead dead dead dead dead. Yainogh-aer was dead. It hit him again, worse, now that he was safe. Maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe he could have kept his brain in emergency mode and put this breakdown off for longer.
Diihse came back with Juraji, looked at Halek, and left again. Halek wished he would stay.
"Oh, love," breathed Juraji. Xe came to sit next to him.
Xe reached out to touch Halek's face, but he flinched.
"No," he said shakily, before xir hand could reach him.
"Okay." Juraji set xir hand down.
"I'm sorry," Halek said between gasps. He'd been clinging to Diihse moments ago, but now he couldn't even let Juraji touch him at all. He couldn't let people touch him.
"Don't be," said Juraji.
"Overwhelming," Halek said by way of explanation. He hadn't been touched by another person for days, other than Åswså shoving him out of the airship, hadn't felt like letting ffer and ffes co-pilot touch him, strangers he'd been pretty much trapped with. He got weird about touch sometimes. Too many memories and feelings.
Juraji studied him carefully. "Halek…" xe began cautiously. "Are you… okay?"
Halek burst into hysterical laughter.
"Sorry," said Juraji. "Bad question. You don't seem okay at all. What I meant was- Are you hurt? Whose blood is that?"
"Yainogh's," Halek said. Not-real and too-real at once. Involuntary hiccuping laugh-sobs hurt his chest. "Yainogh’s- Yainogh-aer's dead and I killed a cop! I'm so fucked. He's dead, my cousin is dead."
"But you're not hurt."
Halek shook his head, as if watching Yainogh-aer die hadn't felt almost like being shot in the chest again himself.
"Okay," said Juraji. "Do you want clean clothes?"
Halek nodded. He didn't want to keep being all covered in Yainogh-aer's blood.
Juraji stood up, but Halek grabbed xir wrist.
"Don't leave!" he said panickedly. "Don't leave me alone! I don't want to be alone! Please!"
"Okay," said Juraji, and sat back down. Juraji was always so kind to him, kinder than he deserved, especially now.
"I'm sorry," Halek said again, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his unzipped and too-warm coat, still giggling horribly. "I- I don't do well alone." Let me out let me out LETMEOUT. "I need you to stay. Please."
"I understand," xe said, though Halek didn't think that was really even possible.
Diihse returned, followed by his mother, and pressed a warm mug against Halek's hand.
Diihse's mother knelt down in front of Halek, taking in his hysterics and rocking and the blood on his clothes. "You're safe now," she said firmly. "You're safe here."
"Promise?" Halek said, his voice ever so small and shaky. He sounded like a child, like Aedrii-Nú.
"I promise."
"I can’t go back to jail," Halek said, hugging his knees. It just slipped out. He'd meant to stop at I can't go back. He hadn't meant to tell.
"Back?" Juraji asked, quiet enough that Halek could pretend he hadn't heard it if he wanted.
Halek nodded, avoiding xir eyes. Juraji deserved the truth. Juraji deserved- well, better than him, but xe deserved to at least know who xe'd chosen to love.
"You won't," said Diihse's mother. "You're safe."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Juraji asked him, still very quiet. "You don't have to."
Halek gritted his teeth and nodded again. "Just you. For now. Sorry."
Juraji nodded and looked at Diihse and his mother. "He needs clean clothes and something to eat," xe said firmly.
"Alright," said Diihse's mother. "Diihse, will you come with me and pick out some of your pyjamas for Halek?"
Diihse nodded and kissed Halek's forehead, and they left.
When Halek had sat in silence for a while, Juraji asked him if he actually wanted to talk about it.
"It's okay," xe said. "You don't need to tell me."
"I think I need you to ask me specific questions," Halek said. "I think… I think that will help. I don't… talk about it much."
It had been hard, with Maaziariitna, but at least he'd had a solid context of comforting ffer about ffes own experiences. This was harder to even make happen. He didn't know how to talk about it with Juraji.
"All right, love," Juraji said. "You tell me if it's too much, or you don't want to answer anything. When were you in jail? This wasn't… This wasn't something that happened while I knew you?"
"I was fourteen. 4068."
Juraji pursed xir lips.
"Sorry," said Halek. "I should have- I should have known better, I should have-"
"No, don't be sorry," said Juraji. "Don't. Just… Halek, you were so young. Fourteen? You should have been in school."
He knew that. He knew that. It was different to hear Juraji say it. "Just- keep going," he mumbled.
"How long were you there?" Juraji asked tentatively.
So long. Too long. "Only two cycles."
Juraji looked upset. "Why?"
"Vandalizing the walls of the military garrison and resisting arrest," Halek said. His hand drifted to his injured knee. "They shot me. Roo was with me when they found me. I had to protect Roo. She was just little. They were hurting me and they were hurting her and they decided I was violent for hitting back."
"That’s what happened to your knee? I thought you'd maybe been in an accident…"
Halek nodded. He didn't mention that they'd shot him in the chest too, that they'd have definitely left him to die and probably Roo as well if a neighbour hadn't called an ambulance. He'd upset Juraji enough.
"I think I know the answer to this," said Juraji, “but- they hurt you there?"
Halek sobbed a single, desperate wail.
"Yeah," said Juraji quietly. "I thought so. You poor thing… Come here."
Xe pulled Halek into an embrace, slowly and gently enough that Halek could pull away easily if he wanted to.
Halek drew in a shaking breath against xem. "I can't go back, Juraji. I don't think I'll survive it."
"You won't," said Juraji. "You'll stay with me, and I will not let anyone hurt you or take you away. I promise. On my life."
"I was supposed to protect Yainogh-aer," said Halek. "Now he's dead. I was right there and he's still dead."
Halek had told him to stop but he hadn't, and then they'd shot him, and then Misa screaming and cradling Yainogh's body, and no pulse and a hole straight through Yainogh-aer's skull, and he'd said something to Misa that he couldn't remember, and then his hand around the warm metal in Misa's coat and Misa telling him to aim between the eyes, and then-
"Halek. Look at me." Juraji pulled away slightly to put a finger under Halek's chin and meet his eyes. "I am one of the most powerful mages in the world. You are my best friend and my partner and there is not a single person in the world more important to me than you are, and that makes this personal. They will not touch you while I am here. Do you believe me?"
Slowly, Halek nodded. "I believe you."
"How did you know?" Halek asked. Ffwyn only came unasked when Halek really needed her.
"Elèrí told me."
Halek looked up, startled. "How do you know Elèrí?"
Ffwyn smiled slightly. "I'm older than most trees. I know a lot of people."
"Oh." Halek wasn't very satisfied by that answer, but he also didn't care that much right now, especially as something occured to him. "You can bring him back. I need you to bring him back."
Ffwyn startled. "What?"
"I need you to bring him back," Halek said excitedly. "Put him back together. Like the undead fairy queen. I know you're the knight in the story. You can bring Yainogh-aer back!"
Very cautiously, Ffwyn said, "I thought you prefered to think of that story as metaphorical. You said it brought you comfort to interpet it as about-"
"I can think more than one thing!" Halek snapped. He shoved at Ffwyn's chest. "You need to bring him back! You brought her back from just bits of bone, if I can get his whole body- You can just put him back-"
"Halek," said Ffwyn, in a very careful voice that Halek didn't like at all. "You have to know it doesn't work like that. The story you're talking about- The imporant part that you're forgetting is that fairy queens have regenerative power."
"Please!" He was crying now too. "Please, Ffwyn, please, you need to- I need- Please…"
"I'm sorry," said Ffwyn. "I'm so sorry, darling. It doesn't work like that. He's not of your world or mine anymore."
"You don't get it! You're immortal, you don't understand- He was only eighteen, he's dead, I need him back-"
"I know what it's like to lose people," said Ffwyn. "I know what it's like to think you could have saved them. We can still be felled by injury, and it might not have been common but I've cared for mortals before you. I have seen- many people die. I understand."
"But it's not fair," Halek cried.
"I know."
He covered his face. "I was supposed to protect him, Ffwyn!"
"I know," said Ffwyn. "You're so like me. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we can't save everyone. I'm sorry."
There was nothing else to be said.
"I killed someone," he said quietly. "I killed the person who killed Yainogh."
Ffwyn hummed.
"It's a big deal to me," Halek said. He didn't really feel like talking, but all the words, so many words, clawed at his brain, desperate to get out. "Looked her right in the eyes and shot her dead. I didn't know I was capable of that. I never wanted to find out."
"That's what happens in a war."
"I'm diagnosed with Combative Non-Recognition of Authority Disorder, did you know that?" said Halek. He was just rambling now, rambling very fast. "Did you know that? I never told you so you probably didn't. My therapist says that's a bullshit diagnosis that shouldn't even exist but she doesn't have the- hah, the authority, to get rid of it for me. They always said I was violent. I don't know, maybe they're right. I shot her right in the head. I don't want to be violent but I guess I am. I was always scared of that. I don't want to hurt anyone but- I had to protect the others, you know?"
"It's okay," said Ffwyn.
"Dance with me," said Halek desperately. "Make me dance with you. I need it to stop. My brain won't stop. Everything hurts."
"I will kill anyone who has ever brought you harm," Ffwyn said.
"I don't want that," Halek said. "I want you to make me dance with you. Please. You're the only one I trust to put me in a state like that and I need you to do it."
"I don't want you to use me to hurt yourself," said Ffwyn. "Are you sure?"
"I'm sure," said Halek. "I'm not hurting myself. I just want to feel nice and uncomplicated and safe for a bit. You make me feel safe, Ffwyn. Because I know you'll never hurt me. It's really nice to- to have someone powerful and they don't want to hurt me. And you call me by my name, my real name, and it works, because that's me, not my old name or- or some fucking number. And I forget that my knee hurts and that I let Yainogh-aer die and shot a woman point-blank in the head and people hurt me and I just feel safe with you."
"Okay," said Ffwyn. She raised his hand high and kissed his knuckles. "Dance with me, Haleksari."
Halek stared suspisciously at the salad. He hadn't been able to sit still long enough to watch Diihse make it and that made him half-convinced it was drugged.
"Salad," Diihse said, as if the problem were that Halek had never seen a salad before. "Vegetables leaves crunchy. Good lunch side meal eat."
"Did you put anything else in it?" said Halek.
"No."
"You didn't try to sneak my medication in?" Diihse had never lied to him before, but there was a first time for everything.
"Vegetables," Diihse repeated, slowly this time.
Halek could tell he was being a bother. He still couldn't shake the paranoia and the ghostly feeling of an unwanted syringe in his arm and make himself eat. He really didn't want to be a problem for Diihse.
When had just eating gotten so complicated?
"Don't forget to do your insulin," Juraji said as xe passed by, and Halek slammed his head into the placemat.
"Do you have a broom?" Halek asked. "I thought I'd do a bit of sweeping. Tidy things up, you know? Earn my keep? I think I made a lot of crumbs when I made a snack and I stepped on some and it made me think I should sweep."
Diihse's dad looked up from his book. "I thought you and Juraji were doing a puzzle?"
"We were. Couldn't focus. There's crumbs on my sock. Can I sweep? I don't want to be in the way though."
Ten minutes later the broom leaned against the counter, abandoned.
"Do you want to go swimming?" he asked Diihse.
"Yes!" said Diihse.
"Ugh," said Ãgbii, Diihse's twin sister. "But we were-"
"You can come," said Halek. "The more the merrier! Juraji can drive. Let's go. Do you have an extra bathing suit I can borrow? We should change before we go though, 'cause of the trans thing, right, people are kind of weird about that here."
He caught sight of the puckered scar on his chest while changing. In his ears, the gun went off again.
Halek talked through the movie. He found he had a lot to say about it and even more to say about barely-related anecdotes.
"Shhhh," said Diihse.
The break in his running commentary lasted almost five minutes before he could no longer restrain himself.
"In real life it doesn't work like that. For CPR you're not supposed to bend-"
A uniformed officer appeared in the movie.
Halek flinched violently, smacking the top of his head on Juraji's chin.
"Shit!" said Juraji. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't think it was that kind of mystery, I'm so sorry-"
Diihse smashed his thumb on the power button on the remote and the TV went dark.
If you hadn't resisted-
Everyone against the wall!
What're you gonna do, shoot me? Shoot me for celebrating the holidays?
"Halek, Halek, it's okay, you're okay-"
He slammed his elbow into Juraji's chest on instinct when xe tried to wrap xir arms back around him.
"Ow!"
"Sorry," Halek gasped. "Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry."
He was violent. He'd always known he'd hurt Juraji somehow. He didn't want to hurt Juraji. Maybe he secretly did?
He'd held Misa, trying to calm him down like Juraji had just tried to do for Halek. Held him and rocked him back and forth and murmured some nonsense in his ear over Yainogh-aer's body.
"It's okay," said Juraji. "I'm okay, love, it's okay. You're safe. You're safe, okay? Just me and you and Diihse here. It's okay. You're safe."
"I'm going out!" Halek called, and shut the door before anyone could stop him. He needed a distraction, and Diihse wouldn't even kiss him even though he was back on his antiretrovirals like Diihse had asked, which was fine, that was Diihse's prerogative, but if he was going to live he needed to lose himself.
He took a crowded streetcar downtown, humming tunelessly. Everyone else gave him annoyed looks. Joyless.
He found the brightest neon sign, so bright it blurred in his eyes and he couldn't even read what the place was called, and went in.
He had some fantastically colourful drinks. He didn't even like the taste of alcohol, but the colours tricked him every time.
"I'm trans," he told her, when they were dancing close enough that she was going to figure it out for herself soon. He had to shout, because the music was so loud. He could feel the beat in his ribs and he loved it. He could hardly make out anyone's voices even with his hearing aids turned on.
"Ooh." She stuck out her tongue as she smiled. "Sexy. I've never tried one of you before."
It felt a little weird, uncomfortable, the way she was talking about it, but he wanted to have fun and he was never going to see her again so he didn't really care.
"I lie to everyone who loves me," he felt compelled to say.
"You're so drunk." She laughed and put her hands on his chest. "It's a good thing I don't love you, then. No need to worry about any of that."
"One time I blew up a building."
She tugged on his hair to pull him down for a kiss. "Shut up already."
He didn't mean to punch her.
"Ow!" She shoved him away. "What the fuck!"
He looked down at his hand, blood on his knuckles. "I don't like-" he began.
She hit him back.
Halek had never been in a bar fight before. So many people got involved. It was exhilarating. He laughed with the adrenaline.
He liked that he was allowed to hit back.
The bouncer kicked him out.
Halek burst into tears unexpectedly. He hadn't felt them building up or anything.
"Look, kid," said the bouncer. "You've been drinking-"
"I'm not a kid," Halek choked out. He hadn't been a kid in a long time.
"Do you need to call someone?" the bouncer said. "There's a phone on the corner of the building. It's free to use. I really think you should call someone for a ride home."
He was shaking against the rain-damp wall. "Juraji. I need you to pick me up. I'm sorry. Sorry. I need you to come get me."
"'Course, love." Juraji's voice was thick with sleep. "Give me the address and I'll be right there, okay?"
Juraji put xir hand up to Halek's nose, sending tingling magic into his face. He hadn't even realized it was bleeding until Juraji fixed it.
"Did someone hurt you?" xe asked.
"I started it," Halek said. "It was my fault. I started a whole brawl. Not really on purpose. It just happened."
"Plug in your seatbelt," Juraji reminded him, because Halek hadn't bothered to. "Have you been drinking?"
"No," Halek lied.
"You have!" said Juraji. "I can smell the liquor!"
"So what?" said Halek sulkily. "I'm old enough."
"It's just not… something you'd usually do," said Juraji. "You don't like alcohol."
"Well, who I usually am, I don't like him," said Halek. "Who I usually am got Yainogh killed and shot someone dead point-blank and lies to everybody and Rovian doesn't want to be friends with him anymore and he's a lying loser coward and he sucks and his mother had cancer so he got himself shot and he got Roo hurt and he got locked up and probably raped but I don't even know because I don't fucking remember and put in solitary and straightjacketed and handcuffed and tazered and hurt and strapped down and sedated and couldn't do anything to stop any of it and everything I do makes everything worse and you won't let me kill him but I don't want to be him I'm so sick of being him you want me to take my meds but then I'll go back to being a massive fucking coward who hurts everybody I care about so I'd rather keep not caring about consequences and just doing what feels right instead of agonizing over everything and still getting it wrong and being so scared all the time." His heart was pounding too fast in his chest as his brain caught up to his mouth. Quietly, he admitted, "I didn't mean to tell you all that."
Juraji was looking at him with such pity. Halek wanted to claw his skin off and only barely restrained himself from trying to do so by sitting on his hand.
This was why he hadn't wanted to tell xem. Xe would see what he really was now. All open wounds and failure.
"I can pretend you didn't," said Juraji. "We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I can pretend I don’t know."
Halek let out an anguished wail. "But you do." He didn't want Juraji to see that he was broken, or know what had broken him.
Juraji pulled over and turned in xir seat. Xe reached out an arm. "C'mere, love."
Halek let Juraji hold him and sobbed.
"It doesn’t change anything," said Juraji. "It's okay. I won't tell anyone, and I won't treat you any differently, I promise. You don't have to take your medicine. It will still be there if you change your mind, and I think it's a good idea because I know from you telling me that it helps you feel better, but it's up to you, I promise. It's all always up to you. I won't talk about any of the things you said unless you bring it up first, okay? And I won't let anybody hurt you while you're with me, not ever, you're safe here as long as you need to stay and I'll come back with you when it's time. I promise none of the things that have happened to you are your fault. Yainogh was not your fault. There was nothing you could have done, and even if there had been it's still not your fault, because you did not kill him."
"I hate everything," Halek moaned. He hated himself. He hated the world. Hours ago he had loved the mania, felt so excited and full of life, but now he hated that too, the opposite of calm and in a bad way.
"That's okay," said Juraji. "I'm going to take you back to Diihse's and you can go to bed and get some rest."
"I'm not tired," Halek said, which wasn't precisely true. He was so tired, but he wasn't sleepy, and hadn't been in days. He hadn't slept for more than an hour in days. He didn't know how to explain that to Juraji. He didn't know if there were different words in Meelasugaadic for tired like he was, tired in his bones, and tired like wanting to sleep.
"Then you can read, or put something on the TV quietly so Diihse's family doesn't get woken up, or we can play a game," Juraji said. "Just- something restful, quieter, okay? Help you wind down a bit."
Halek knew he would not wind down for anything anytime soon, probably days more still, but he just nodded and let Juraji pull back onto the road. There was no quiet inside him, only a yawning void desperate to be filled.
"We usually cook that," Ãgbii said.
Halek shrugged and ate another handful of cereal out of the box. His mouth tasted really bad.
He had woken up after a fitful sleep with a hangover and blood crusted under his nose, and couldn't remember much of last night. The holes in his memory had scared him so much that he'd gone and taken his lithium before he could overthink it.
The mood effects probably wouldn't really take hold for a couple days. The dry and bad-tasting mouth effect had taken hold almost immediately.
Juraji wandered slowly into the kitchen. Xe kissed Ãgbii on the top of her head. "Good morning, sweetie." Looked over at Halek. "Morning, love."
"Thanks for picking me up last night," Halek said, guilty at the flash of memory. Crying on the public phone outside some nightclub.
"'Course." Juraji yawned. "What else was I gonna do, leave you?"
"Sorry," said Halek.
"No, it's okay," said Juraji, opening the fridge groggily. "Accepted that responsibility when I decided to be the first to get my driver's liscense out of all of us. Ãgbii, do you know if there's any of that fruit salad left?"
"Not sure."
"I saw it earlier," said Halek, desperate to be helpful. "Behind… Um, behind the yogurt…?"
Juraji might know what had happened last night, but Halek was afraid to ask. It couldn't have been good, to have needed to call xem like that.
"Okay." Juraji smoothed the papers down on the table. "These are all the floorplans you sent me. I brought them with me when the school closed."
They'd borrowed Diihse's colourful felt pens for this. Halek sketched in a few red lines. "Our information-" Talí's information, Jue's information- "says there's a secret emergency exit here and-" He leaned across the table- "here. There might be a third, but I can't remember and I don't have access to any of our records."
Juraji nodded. "Right. We're going to collapse those?"
"Yeah. Should be fine with just explosives, though, we shouldn't need you to take care of them. Most likely-" Halek pulled out a blue pen, the colour of xir magic, to represent Juraji- "You'll be coming in through here with me, at the top. Most nobles and officials are usually in-" gold pen- "this area, and that's who we want to confront."
Halek woke up kicking at the tight fabric with tears in his eyes and phantom touches on his skin.
It was just the sheets, having gotten all tangled around him. Just the sheets. No straps, no straightjacket.
"Hey, love." Juraji set xir little handheld video game console down and reached over.
Halek was familiar with Juraji's insomnia. It wasn't surprising to find xem still awake on their shared floor mattress. Diihse was asleep in the single bed on his other side.
"What’s up?" Juraji asked, just loud enough for Halek to hear.
"Besides you?" The joke helped him shake off the chill a little.
Juraji cracked a brief smile. "I think you were having a nightmare."
"Yeah." Halek propped himself up on his elbow. "Think so."
"Want to talk about it?"
"I don't really remember," said Halek. He sighed frustratedly and sat up. "My body just feels all wrong."
"Dysphoria?"
"Everything. I can feel hands on me, feel people watching me. I know they're not real."
Juraji made a sympathetic noise.
"I feel like it doesn't even belong to me, like I can't trust it, like it will never feel right."
Juraji turned xir body to be facing him. "Do you want to know what you look like when my mind is fully opened, with my mage-sense?"
"Sure," Halek said, subdued.
"Can I touch you?"
Halek nodded.
Juraji leaned forward and cupped a cool hand around the back of his neck.
Halek leaned forward too, closing the gap between them so their foreheads met.
A soft blue glow emanated from Juraji's dark skin. "I feel every electron in your body. A brilliant universe of stars. When I touch you, we are one song made of a trillion trillion tiny vibrations." Xe smiled faintly. "I wish you could see yourself the way I do. You are just as wonderful to me with every other sense."
"I wish I wasn’t so weird,” Halek said, picking at a loose thread on the blanket. He never felt truly settled in himself. "Do you think I'm too invested in the flesh?"
Juraji pulled xir head back, the glow fading. "Not at all! It’s your flesh. I'm very invested in my flesh. Because I live here."
"It's just…" Halek traced a finger over his other arm. "We say the spirit is higher than the flesh. Relationships of the spirit are higher than relationships of the flesh. We should pursue spiritual things over physical things. But my body is really important to me, physical intimacy and touching are really important parts of my relationships…"
"No, that makes sense, it's part of you," Juraji said. "It's like… the whole outside part of you. I don't believe they’re really separate, the flesh and the spirit… pleasures of one can be pleasures of the other, and harm to one can be harm to the other. For what it's worth, I think your flesh and your spirit are both lovely. No one could ever replace you."
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