And just like that our first IVF cycle is over.

On July 22nd we transferred our second and final embryo. We decided this time around to keep it under wraps only telling a few close friends/family members.

We had such high hopes for this embryo. Unlike our first this one didn’t need any assistance hatching and we were lucky enough to have the most senior doctor at the clinic perform the transfer. If this baby stuck it would’ve been the greatest anniversary gift and baby’s due date would’ve fallen 10 days before our first child’s due date.

Unlike my first transfer I didn’t start bleeding early and I had great hope that the progesterone injections and intralipid therapy had maybe helped.

Unfortunately, on our 7th anniversary we learned this embryo wasn’t able to stick around either. Once again, my body failed to do the one thing it should be able to do.

I (we) are absolutely devastated by this. This second embryo loss feels so much more final because now we’re out of chances for this IVF cycle. Out over 20 grand with absolutely nothing to show for it. Over 35 injections in my stomach and hips and hundreds of pills. 16 ultrasounds. 23 blood draws. An ERA/EMMA/ALICE biopsy, a hysterosalpingogram, intralipid infusion therapy and 5 months of feeling like absolute hormonal crap.

Having losses treated like footnotes in a conversation by some has been the hardest part of all of this for me. Rarely in my life has validation mattered. Making sure I moved in line with the crowd was never a big motivator for me.

But goddamn do I want our children validated. At what point does our child become more than just an idea? At what point does a loss become socially acceptable to acknowledge and mourn? At what point does this go from being seen as attention seeking to emotion that can and should be validated?

Infertility is hard. Pregnancy loss is hard. FET failure is hard. There is no easy. It isn’t something that comes with time. This isn’t something you get used to.

Thank you to everyone that reached out. That showed us love while giving us the space we need. Thank you to everyone who acknowledged this embaby for exactly what they were, our child.

I am sad to say we have lost our first embaby. Despite being on progesterone, I started bleeding a week early. 

IVF is no a guarantee. It’s a sad, scary fact that you can spent thousands of dollars, pump yourself full of hormones, take medications by every way of administration possible and still end up with nothing. 

I knew to expect this. I knew the first transfer likely wouldn’t stick around. I knew that it really only is a 50/50 chance. 

But it still hurts. Another child of ours I am announcing to the world by way of loss. I feel like I am grieving not only this baby but all the others we have lost along the way.