Due to recent Klingon Ear discourse Iâm going to be ranking Star Trek Ears based on species, and no I will not be accepting criticism.
Human: 5/10 The base line. The mundane. Theyâre still round and nice and we understand them. But we didnât go in to space to find ourselves. We went to space to get kinky with aliens!Â
Ocampa: 7/10 Points for style! Points for cuteness! Theyâre exactly the type of thing youâd expect to see in science fiction and they satisfy a human size need for both pretty and approachable.
Ferangi: 3/10 Cursed ears. Low in style but high in function. Actually argued with my partner over this ranking. They thought it should be higher, and iâll grant you this- Thereâs something about knowing you could satisfy their baser instincts with with a little ear massage. Thatâs all you want babe? Consider it done! Iâll wash my hands afterwards because I âfeelâ dirty, not because âamâ dirty.
Vorta: 4/10 Kinda creepy but kinda intriguing. Theyâre unique and I wanna touch them (I be human like that) but why no lobe? Whatâs the deal with the ridges? How far back do they go into the hair? Iâve too many questions and frankly Iâm not sure I want all the answers.
Romulans: 8/10 Letâs face it, we love our space elves. We love the pointiness, the curve and the fairy tale like imagery. Thereâs something very human about comparing them to mythical creatures. Weâve assigned ears like these to everything from demons, to Fey, and even gods. Multiple cultures have depicted them as something otherworldly. And they werenât wrong to do so. The biggest downside here is who theyâre attached to. Letâs just say you gotta be real careful what you whisper into these beauties, otherwise you might destroy humanity.
Klingons: ?/10 Iâll let you know when we find them! (See Klingon Ear discourse of 2020)
Changlings: 1/10 they can literally shift into anything. Sure, Odo set a standard and he had a hard time taking humanoid form. I canât fault him, but the rest of these guys? Youâve got a universe of options and you go with that! So flat, so dull. For shame doc, for shame.
Special mention, Andorian Antennae: 6/10 While not ears (because they have human ones) these things have character. We donât exactly know what theyâre for, and it doesnât seem the Andorians know either. But they are expressive! They twirl, they twitch and they catch your attention. They pull at my human curiosity and honestly, thatâs worth something.
Special mention, Bajorans: 9/10 While exactly the same as humans the bling makes all the different. That jewelry might be a representation of faith but theyâre also stylish as heck! The dangly chain, the shimmer, the fact itâs one sided. Major points for one-upping the entire human race.
Vulcans: 11/10 Letâs face it, you were waiting for this. I know it. Donât deny it. We love these ears for all the same reasons of the Romulans. The biggest difference? What theyâre attached to! I donât think any of us Trekkies can claim not to love our Vulcans. Theyâre strong, smart, loyal, stylish and they bring the sass like no ones business. We love seeing them in love. We love their stoicism and their bravado. They might annoy us at times with their clinical speech or their cold demeanor but we donât care. They stole our hearts a long time ago and they havenât exactly returned them. And their ears? We envy them. We adore them. And letâs face it, we wanna nibble.
