#fenrisxanders

It must've been close to three months now, three months since the chantry. Three months since Fenris was tasked with watching over the apostate that caused mass destruction and the circles everywhere to fall into chaos, three months of constant war between Templar and mage, three months and more people dead or abominations that Fenris wanted to even think about.

But, it was also three months stuck with Anders, no one else for company. Three months of leaning about the mage and who he was without Hawke around-or anyone for that matter. Three months to learn just how broken this man was. Of course it was his own fault for choosing to harbor a Spirit, but the more he listened to Anders cry out at night, listened to him scream and clutch at his head, listen to the silence that filled the days the mage just looked purely haunted as they traveled, listened to Anders talk about Justice and how he just wasn't the same anymore, Fenris knew the once well meaning spirit turned into Vengeance.

Anders was definitely partly to blame, especially with his actions across the board over the past several years, but even Fenris cannot deny that it wasn't entirely the mage's fault. It took awhile, but when he looks over at the man slumped over as he sits on a rock across the campfire, he knows he made the right choice to listen to Hawke. He had to separate the mage from the demon, no matter the cost, because now when he saw himself in Anders. He saw the scared, helpless version of himself that didn't feel like they had any choice but to listen to that controlling voice. Except Anders' abuser was in his own mind.

As much as he never liked the mage, he wouldn't let him suffer under Justice the same way he himself did under Danarius.

"Anders." Fenris murmurs, breaking the silence as he pokes at the fire, "What will you do once you're free?"

The question takes Anders off-guard, gazing waringly at Fenris across the crackling flames, "What do you mean? I am free." He mutters back, unsure of where this was going.

"No." Fenris sighs, shakes his head, and lifts his gaze to meet Anders', voice still carefully neutral. He wanted his unbiased opinion on this, as he was still unsure what to do with his own freedom, even now. "Free from him."

"Oh..." Anders murmurs, and Fenris watches as he blinks, then looks down into the embers, worrying his lip, "I'm... I'm not sure." He murmurs eventually, and Fenris has to strain to hear him over the fire.

"Well... while you were in the Circle, was there anything you wanted to do?" He offers after a pregnant pause, "Anything that kept you going? Something to strive for?"

Anders laughs at that, the quiet, half chuckle that Fenris knows all too well has no real humor, "All I wanted was to be able to do what I wanted, to not have anyone breathing down my neck." He shakes his head, "I still haven't quite escaped that, but I doubt I ever will now." He looks up then, shaking his head and narrowing his eyes at Fenris, curious now, "What about you?"

"I... I do not know either." Fenris breathes, Anders' words echoing in his mind before he shakes himself free of them, free of Danarius doing the same to him, "Even now, I'm not sure what to do." He shakes his head and sighs, running a hand through his hair and cursing at how long it's gotten, "You still haven't completely answered me though. There must be something you've wanted to do." He offers again, surprising himself with how much he actually wanted to know. He could tell he surprised Anders too, watching the other's eyes widen, and then his head duck again. He could've sworn he saw some color to the mage's cheeks as well, but he knew better than to believe it.

"I... this will probably sound absolutely naive, but you're right." Anders murmurs after several long moments, "I've... I've always wanted to learn how to dance, ballroom dance." He sighs and shakes his head, laughing at himself, "It just seemed so elegant, carefree, and... whenever I saw it, they always looked happy while they danced." Anders is smiling now, picturing the figures dancing through his mind as he hums softly to himself, "I was never allowed to learn, cause of my frequent escape attempts and punishments anyway. I do remember the song, rather soft and pretty." He hums it a bit louder, eyes closed while he gently sways along with the melody, losing himself in it.

It's not surprising that he startles when his hand is taken and he's helped up to his feet. Without a word, Fenris wraps an arm around his waist, eyes down as he tries to figure out how exactly he managed to get himself here, and where he planned to go with it.

"Fenr-"

"Shut up-" Fenris barks quickly, cutting off the other before picking his gaze up and cursing when he feels his own cheeks heat slightly. He just hopes it's too dark for Anders to tell, "Just hold my shoulder will you?"

"Fenris, what are you-" Anders tries again, only to have Fenris shush him once again.

"It can't be too hard, can it?" Anders almost convinces himself he misheard, or just imagined Fenris' whisper, but he knows he couldn't have, "Saw it so many times..."

"Fenris, are you teaching me how to dance?" Anders murmurs quietly, almost smirking down at the elf, who finally looks up to scowl at him.

"Don't push your luck mage, just start humming that song again." Fenris mutters gruffly, making Anders chuckle but oblige, humming softly once again. It takes a moment but Fenris carefully starts moving, feet only really shuffling at first until his voice makes its way out, "So I'm gonna lead, just... try and follow my feet."

Fenris steps forward as Anders steps back, then to the side, then back again, in a simple form of a waltz, "I'm pretty sure that's how it goes..." Fenris murmurs quietly, still leading Anders through getting a bit more confident until he yelps suddenly when Anders’ boot collides with his toes, "Fucking hell mage-" he hisses, but cuts himself off, "Look up, not at your feet." He whispers, starting up again and slowly letting them start to turn, "Trust me."

Anders couldn't help but listen, eyes locked on Fenris'. He's biting his lip, trying his best to focus, but the harder he tries, the more he's tripping over his own feet, "Stop thinking-" Fenris mutters eventually, and Anders startles, nodding and biting his lip again, "I mean it Anders, relax, stop thinking. Just move." He whispers again, voice surprisingly soft.

Anders starts to hum a bit louder, finally doing as Fenris said, and letting the elf lead. He doesn't notice when they get a bit farther from the fire, Fenris leading them around the rocks and the twigs, steadying Anders when he shifts, and correcting himself swiftly when he steps wrong. It didn't matter that they were probably doing it wrong, it didn't matter that the whole world was against them in that moment. For the first time, Anders was finally able to forget and simply just be in the world. To not have to think, to not have to worry or care. He was dancing, and it's as Fenris suddenly dips him, holding him steady and letting him look up at the stars, in that split second, he was free.

Fenris slowly brings him back up, and Anders looks down at him, chest heaving but it from exertion, but from pure emotion. He needed to thank Fenris somehow, and looking down at the elf, actually looking at him, he didn't know if he ever could.

"Fenris..." he whispers, swallowing down the emotions that threaten to choke him. He's about to speak again when suddenly he feels lips on his, and he startles, unable to even kiss back in the few moments it lasted.

"You need to learn the value of silence, Anders." Fenris hums, and if Anders didn't know any better, he could've sworn he saw Fenris blushing before the elf slowly stepped away, "Goodnight."

“Bloody hell-” The barely coherent grumble came from the mass of blankets on the bed. He couldn’t have been asleep for more the two hours after coming home at 4am, and already his phone was ringing. A mass of blonde hair that fell out of his bun when he collapsed into the bed now hung in his face as he emerged, squinting at the dawn light filtering in through the curtained window, “Who the hell is calling me at this hour?”

Grabbing the phone, Anders recognizes the number as the hospital, and he immediately frowns, assuming he was going to get called in to cover for a shift. He tries to make his voice professional and chipper, but the grogginess was obvious when he answered after the chirp that told him the line was connected, “Hello?”

The frown deepens immensely when the voice on the other line was most definitely not his boss. It was one of the ER nurses who doubled as a receptionist, and she sounded too formal, too… wary for his liking, “Oh, it’s you Anders… I um, I’m afraid I have some bad news for you.”

“What do you mean Merrill?” Anders practically whispers, gut churning with dread already, “What’s going on?”

“I’m so sorry Anders, but it’s... it’s Fenris. He’s been in an accident-” Anders' heart sank the second he heard that name, but before Merrill could finish he was shooting out of bed again and cutting her off.

“What happened? How bad? What are his vitals? What’re his injuries? Where is he?” He was shooting questions faster than the flustered nurse could even dream of answering, and Anders knew it, but he couldn’t help himself, “Just-I’m on my way.”

“Anders wai-” Merrill was cut off by the click that ended the call and Anders hastily shoving the phone in his pocket. He’s pulling on the sweatshirt he grabbed, shivering on the short walk to his car in the snow. He was still in his scrubs, and as much as he loved those things, they did not insulate well, and the sweatshirt was in no way a winter coat.

“Fucking asshole-fucking getting in to an accident-fucking making me worry-” Anders was spewing a litany of curses that would shame even Isabela as he got into his car and drove off, speeding as much as he dared to get back to the hospital.

Hawke’s cheerful, albeit half yawned, greeting when Anders bumbled into the ER waiting room came grinding to a halt when he saw Anders’ frantic and worried eyes. The blonde went straight up to the double doors, grabbing the nurse that came out to show his ID and then practically beg to know where Fenris was.

“U-um Sir, I’m not sure-” The nurse tries to squeak out, recognizing a worried family member before a nurse.

“Anders, my name is Anders, just-Listen, I work here, I’m a nurse, I need to know where Fenris is.” He tries again, a bit more composed but still desperate.

“I’m sorry Anders but I don’t know.” The nurse tries again, gently placing their hands on his arms to try and calm him down.

“He has white hair, green eyes, about five-ten, with white tattoos all over his arms, hands, neck and chest, I /need/ to know.” Anders whispers, voice close to breaking, and he sees the flash of recognition in the other’s eyes, “At least tell me how bad he looked.”

“I, someone with short white hair came in on a stretcher… I couldn’t really tell much but from what I could see, he had some bandages around his head and on his cheek, and one of his legs was elevated. He was covered by a sheet though, so I don’t know what else.”

Anders could only nod as dread filled his chest, “Where was he taken? Into surgery?”

“Ah, I believe so, they didn’t seem very frantic though so I can only assume it wasn’t life threatening-listen Anders, how about you come with me and sit for a bit okay? There’s nothing you can do right now-holy hell you’re freezing, go sit down and I’ll get you a blanket-”

“It’s alright, I’ll take it from here.” Hawke’s deep voice came up from behind Anders, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and pulling him back into his warm chest, “Go back to work, I know him, it’s okay.” Hawke murmurs reassuringly, and the nurse rushes off, “What’s wrong Anders?”

“It’s Fenris, he’s been in an accident.” Anders rushes out, letting Hawke lead him to a chair and then grab his own coat from behind the receptionist desk to wrap Anders in it.

“Well I checked, and he is in surgery, but just as the nurse said, it’s not life threatening.” Hawke murmurs as he takes the seat beside the blonde, “But, I also checked and noticed you only just got off your eighteen-hour shift three hours ago, you need sleep.”

“But what if-” Anders tries to argue, only to get cut off by Hawke shaking his head.

“No buts, your worrying isn’t going to do anyone any good. I’ll let you know the second he gets out and the second you can go in to see him, but right now you need to sleep.”

“Anders!” The high-pitched squeak announces Merrill’s arrival in the room, and she scurries over quickly to him, “You came-”

“How is he?!” Anders snaps instantly, worry flaring once again only to get a small smile from Merrill.

“Fenris will be just fine Anders, you do not need to worry.”

“But what are his injuries?! What happened?!” Anders tries again, hating how everyone was just skirting around the questions, “I need to know!”

“Anders,” Hawke murmurs quietly, resting his arm over his shoulders again, “He’ll be fine, Fenris is tough.”

“His car got T-boned in an intersection, and he has some serious injuries, but nothing life threatening, Anders. He’ll be fine.” Merrill chips in, her voice much quieter until Hawke shoos her away to get back to work. Anders was silenced at her words though, mind flooded with what could’ve happened, what he could find when he sees Fenris, what Fenris will do when he finds Anders there...

“-ders… Anders!” Jerking back into reality at Hawke shaking his shoulders, he turns his haunted look into Hawke’s calm brown gaze, “Calm down, he’ll be okay. You need to sleep.”

“I’m not sure if I can.” Anders finally relents, and Hawke tuts quietly.

“At least try, close your eyes, lay down, and relax. I’ll wake you when I have any news.”

~

“Anders, hey, hey Anders.” Groaning softly, the blonde opens his eyes and blearily rubs at one of them. He’s in confused bliss for a moment before everything comes crashing down again and he remembers, sitting bolt upright again, “He’s out of surgery.”

Hawke’s words make Anders scramble to his feet, grabbing his arm and stabilizing himself, “Take me, I need to see him, bring me to his room, please.”

“It’s alright Anders, I’ll take you. He’s still asleep now but the anesthesia should wear off soon.”

“That’s fine, just please let me see him.” Anders is begging again at this point, and without another word, Hawke leads him through the doors and through the maze of halls until he stops just outside the door.

“Merill is in with him now, but she’ll move on soon. We won’t have to have another nurse in here if you’re there, hmm?” With that, and with a small knowing smile, Hawke opens the door to the room.

Stumbling forward, Anders quickly finds himself at Fenris’ bedside, his white hair a mess and slightly stained with blood, bandaging wrapped around his forehead with red pooled at his left temple. There's bandaging down his right cheek, jaw, and neck as well, which Merrill supplies that it was from the driver’s window shattering and the glass dealing minor cuts to his face. Fenris’ chest was covered by the blanket, but Merrill assured him that there was only the bruising of the seatbelt there. The main thing though, the reason he was in the surgery room, was that his left leg had a shattered fibula and broken tibia. They had to set both bones, and Fenris now had a massive white cast from his toes up to just under his knee.

“I told you, he’s tough.” Merrill murmurs as she pats Anders’ shoulder, “I’ll leave you be with him then, but, take it easy on him when he wakes up. It’s only been a month.” Merrill smiles sadly, but knowingly, and slips out the door.

With a quiet sigh, Anders maneuvers his way to sit in the chair by the bed, set at ease by the steady beep that told him Fenris’ heart was still beating strong and steady. It’s okay, he’s okay, he’s safe… Anders’ body shudders as he lets himself relax finally, and he slips a hand delicately into Fenris’, lacing their fingers together. Frowning when he feels the coldness of metal, he looks down and finds the slim ring still firmly fastened around Fenris’ pinkie.

“You kept it…” He murmurs quietly, smiling in awe down at the simple little band. Anders almost expected Fenris to at least take it off, if not get rid of it completely after what happened. Anders’ other hand comes up, rubbing his thumb over the small band carefully, still smiling down at it.

“Of course I did…” The quiet, groggy, but deep voice makes Anders startle and look up, blinking owlishly up at Fenris. His eyes were only cracked open ever so slightly, “Anders? Is that you?” Anders can only stay silent as Fenris opens his eyes completely, answering his own question as he takes in Anders’ disheveled appearance, “You came…”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Anders whispers, hearing his voice crack slightly with emotion when he hears how surprised Fenris seemed that he would in fact come.

“I just… After what happened, no…” Fenris sighs quietly, and he looks down, and Anders watches as his eyes widen on their entwined hands, “I guess… I expected you to never want to see me again… after what I did to you.”

“Oh, Fen…” Anders whines quietly, squeezing the other’s hand tightly in his own, “I could never just abandon you… I… no…”

“But I hurt you.” Fenris murmurs, turning to look at him and seemingly waking up fully and becoming more coherent, “I… I said horrible things, I ran from you… how could you ever forgive me?”

“Because I still love you Fenris.” Anders blurts, then blinks and ducks his head, biting his lip as he feels his chin tremble, “I got the call and I came immediately, I had to make sure you were alright.”

“You got the call? What do you mean?” Fenris murmurs in confusion, “I never called you…”

“You must’ve kept me as your emergency contact… I got the call from the hospital.” Anders murmurs quietly, still keeping his eyes down and away.

“Good.” Furrowing his brows, Anders could’ve sworn he heard that wrong, but then he feels Fenris’ hand tighten in his, and then turns to watch as his hand is brought up to Fenris’ lips and kissed gently, “If I were to wake up to anyone after an accident, I’m more than happy it was you.”

“But you, you said you-”

“No,” Fenris quiets his babbling with a shake of his head, “I was scared, and it is no excuse, but what I did and what I said to you was wrong, and I will not ask your forgiveness as I do not deserve it. But just know…” he pauses again and kisses Anders’s knuckles, “Just know that I was only scared of commitment, I was scared that you didn’t love me… Selfish I know, but I felt that it was best if I left… I know now that it was wrong and I would do anything to take back what I said and how I hurt you.”

“Fenris… what are you saying?” Anders whispers, unable to stop the gentle tears that he hastily wipes away with his free hand.

“I’m saying I was wrong, I’m saying that I love you, and I’m saying that for the past month my life has been hell and…” He pauses again, sighs, and reaches out to wipe a tear from Anders’ cheek, “Nothing could be worse than the thought of living without you.”

Anders couldn’t help it any longer, too much emotion pent up and after hearing that, after the past month of loneliness, after the overwhelming worry and then relief, he couldn’t hold it back. In the next instant, he was on his feet, moving closer and laying a gentle hand on Fenris’ good cheek. Leaning down, he kisses him, soft and sweet, a silent promise of forgiveness.

“Does this mean...?” Fenris rumbles quietly against Anders’ lips, voice filled with hope.

“It means that I will be yours again, if you will have me.” Anders whispers breathlessly, leaning back to gently press his forehead to the other’s.

“Then I am yours.” Fenris murmurs, reaching up to pull Anders back down for another kiss.