#felixwrites

In an age where most people are taking GLP1s or illegal peptides, deciding to become morbidly obese is an act of resistance 🐻

Help me make sense of this. According to my scales, I currently weigh less than I did a year ago. According to my tape measure, my waist is exactly the same as it was then too. And yet my clothes are tighter. My belly gets more in the way. I feel encumbered by my weight more and more every day. I look at myself side by side and wonder if I’m just gaslighting myself, but I swear I’ve gotten fatter.

I’m at a stage in life (and my gaining) where it’s not mentally healthy for me to be worrying about whether or not I’m gaining weight. I’ve got too much other stuff going on. I’m just going to eat what I want and if I gain, I gain, and if I lose, I lose.

I love how when I stuff myself to capacity now, I look swollen. It’s not just my stomach sticking out in one direction anymore. I feel my love handles bulging over elastic pants, my entire abdomen distended with gluttony. I’m just obsessed 🥵🐷🐻

Sometimes I find it hard to believe that I’ve completely intentionally gained 55lbs in two years. This was my own decision. This was entirely within my control. I could have chose not to. And yet I didn’t. I decided to make myself morbidly obese. For no other reason than because it felt good. 🐷🐻

What I can’t get over is how, in all of these photos, it looks like my body has been drowned in lard. I’m not “put on a bit of weight” fat anymore. I’m FAT fat. Every inch of me is covered in soft, gelatinous adiposity. And I’m still far too skinny.

Tell me how this is possible. I’m down to 95kg (209lbs), and my waist is apparently only 47 inches. But my belly feels rounder and softer than ever before. I can barely reach past it. And just heaving it makes my heart pound.

I think I may actually be addicted. I keep saying I’m going to slow down and take better care of my body and eat more healthily. And then I find myself here again, chugging chocolate milk after I’ve already had a peanut butter roll and two cookies, almost sub-consciously. All because I need to my belly to be so big that I can’t move. 🐷🐻