#feellsss

EXO_CALL ME BABY (叫我)_Music Video

Stiles knew that Derek had given him the key for emergencies - or at least, that was their excuse. The times he had used it before had always ended in them lying naked tangled in sheets.  Stiles couldn’t deny how perfect it was to be like that with Derek, but tonight was different. 

Tonight he needed something more. He couldn’t talk to Scott because as much as he tried, Scott didn’t understand. He came to the loft hoping he understood enough about Derek to know that Derek may just be able to sympathize. 

He swallowed hard before twisting the key in the lock, trying to push the knot in his throat away, trying to at least tell Derek he was sorry for coming without notice before totally breaking down - trying to do anything but break down, really. But as he pushed the door open, the tears were already falling and he wished he could turn around and sit in the jeep until he stopped and could do this without looking like a complete child but Derek was already halfway to him, eyes wide with concern and arms outstretched.

"Stiles," he was saying, pulling him closer. "What happened? Are you hurt?" Stiles shook his head, sniffling back his tears and wiping them on his sleeve. “No, no, I’m okay, I just…I just was hoping you could talk for a minute?”  Derek nodded quickly, eyes searching Stiles for something wrong despite Stiles’ promise. “What is it?”  Stiles wants to stay at the door so he can at least make a quick exit if talking turns out disastrous, but Derek’s moving toward the couch so he follows anyway.  Stiles stared out the window, looking past Derek, unsure what he should even say.  Derek is quiet for a long time, watching Stiles with a continuous worried look.  "Maybe I shouldn’t have come," Stiles says finally, half because maybe he shouldn’t and half because he wants to give Derek an out.  "You know you can talk to me," Derek says, seeming lost but honest. "What is this about?" Stiles wants to cry again because he can still feel it all so clearly.  "Is this about the pack? Are you overwhelmed?"  Stiles laughs, wishing it was something as easy to deal with as being overwhelmed. He shakes his head. “I wish there was a supernatural therapist,” he says. “Because then I wouldn’t have to bother the pack with this.”  Derek frowns. “You’re not bothering anyone. That’s what pack is for, Stiles. Support.”  "I’m all about pack, dude. You know I am. But I just…" He swallows hard, shaking his head instead of continuing.  "Is it because you’re human? I know you can’t feel it like Scott or Kira, but we’re still pack, Stiles." Derek is frowning at the floor. "I’ll do more to prove it to you, I swear."   He shakes his head quickly - it wasn’t his intention to make Derek feel guilty. “No, I just…I feel guilty about being pack.” The words are accompanied by a shaking breath that sounds more like a dry sob.  Derek is quiet for a long time. Stiles wants to get up and leave but he would rather sit in silence with Derek than be alone with his own thoughts, so he stays.  "Is this about the possession?" Derek asks finally, looking Stiles in the eye. Stiles nods, opening his mouth to speak again but Derek’s shaking his head. "Because that’s all it was. A possession. That wasn’t you."  Tears are falling down his cheeks again, but he isn’t sobbing so he shakes his head and speaks. “I want to believe it wasn’t. But I still remember it, Derek. I remember all of it.”  Derek’s jaw is tight. “I know you do. But that doesn’t mean it was you.”  "Maybe not," Stiles cute back. "But I enjoyed it, Derek. I remember it all, and I remember liking it." He pulls on his hair to try to keep himself from screaming. "And then I sit with the pack and act like it’s okay. Like I didn’t betray them."  Derek looks broken. Stiles feels broken.  "I stabbed my best friend. I bashed Kira’s head and then stabbed my best friend. I dug a blade into his stomach and twisted it, Derek."  "The nogitsune did all of that," Derek argues, looking angry.  Stiles shakes his head, feeling almost frantic. “Okay, so say it wasn’t me. It was the spirit that stabbed him. Fucking fantastic, though, right? Cause I enjoyed it, Derek. He was begging me to stop and I could see his pain and his blood was coating my hands and I kept twisting because I enjoyed it.”  Derek just nods.  "And I swear I can still feel his blood!" Stiles finds himself shouting, moving to get close to Derek’s face. "No matter how many times I wash my hands, I can still see it!" His hands are shoved in front of Derek’s face, trembling and angry.  "Stiles." Derek’s voice is a whisper, his face hidden by Stiles, but his voice making it clear that he’s calm.  Stiles drops his hands, his entire body trembling with the sobs that are wracking through him.  Derek pulls him close, doesn’t even flinch when Stiles’ snotty nose wipes across his neck and holds him tightly.  Stiles cries. He doesn’t know for how long, but it feels like an eternity. He’s not sure he even cried this hard when his mother died and that alone makes him cry harder.  When he’s quieter, just sniffles and shaky breaths, Derek speaks again. “Stop me if I’m wrong. Interrupt me if I get it wrong. I want to understand.”  Stiles nods against Derek’s chest, afraid that he’ll have to interrupt and not sure he can deal with having to explain anything.  "You enjoyed it all. You enjoyed killing those people and tormenting the town because you felt powerful. You’ve spent the last two years, maybe even more, being afraid. But as the nogitsune, you didn’t need to feel afraid. You were fearless."  "I was in control," Stiles says, his voice quiet but sure.  Stiles can feel Derek nod. “It feels good, doesn’t it? Being in control? Being powerful?”  Stiles nods, a new wave of tears coming because he doesn’t want to admit that he misses the power.  Derek nods too.  They’re quiet for a long time, Derek tracing the shape of triskelion info Stiles’ shoulder.  Finally, he says, “Past, present, future.” He makes the shape again. “You enjoyed the power in the past. You feel guilty about it presently. In the future, you’ll see that it isn’t about power.” Derek swallows. “I remember how power feels, Stiles. I remember being fearless & in control. But it isn’t about power - not anymore.”  "I’m a monster." Stiles whispers.  "No," Derek says quickly. "You were possessed by a monster and it have you the power to feel fearless." He is still pressing his finger into Stiles shoulder, the shape of the triskelion feels permanent now. "But you’re not the nogitsune anymore."  Stiles shakes his head, unsure of what Derek means.  "You are a good person," Derek says. "You don’t get enough credit for what you do for this pack. You’re amazing, Stiles. No nogitsune. No power, no control - just you."  Stiles is crying again now, wishing he would have come to Derek weeks ago instead of staring at his ceiling.  "Fear is good, Stiles. Fear is healthy and fear is real." Derek clears his throat. "It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to feel lost and helpless. As long as you realize that there’s people that would do anything to fix it."  Stiles nods.  "People that would cross the border and travel a different country and find you buried under a destroyed and haunted town even though you feel likes you don’t add anything to the team. Those are the people you keep around, Stiles." Stiles smiles for once, shifting to be more comfortable against Derek’s chest. “Yeah, guess they do sound like pretty good friends.” "Yeah, guess so," Derek agrees, pressing his lips gently to Stiles’ forehead. 

So yeah, power was good. Feeling fearless was great and being in control was impossible to describe. But there’s better things. There can be fun in failure, joy in pushing boundaries and the adventure of the unknown is always doable with pack by his side.