#fatblog

I know it’s a terrible picture. 

I am not being self-depreciating. I promise. It really is a bad picture. I know how to take good photos. I can point out all the things I hate about this picture but that’s not what we’re here for. This picture was taken in 2019. Back when I was actually planning for a wedding that didn’t happen thanks to Miss Rona. I digress. Weight is such a sensitive topic for people, and it’s so easy to have a distorted view of your own weight. 

I think one of the reasons I decided to write the blog was to remove the distortion of my own weight. When I look in the mirror I don’t see that girl.  The number I see on the scale and what I see in the mirror don’t match. I started to realize something. I was in subconscious denial about my weight. To the point I didn’t even realize I was sucking my stomach in when I was naked in the mirror. Just me and my reflection and I wasn’t even honest with myself. I’m telling myself over and over “It’s not that bad.” Not realizing that I was refusing to face my own reflection. Now remember that picture was take in 2019. The first time I remember releasing that breath I was holding was in in Jan-Feb of 2021. I immediately got in the shower and cried. I couldn’t believe that’s what I looked like. When did this happen? How did it happen? The sad thing was as much as I hated the way I looked it took me until 4-5 months later to finally do something about it. 

I’m making more of an effort to be more active and to eat better (marginally, we’re being honest right?) The thing is, I want to figure out how I got here, so I can avoid repeating. I’m releasing the “emotional” breath I’ve been holding in and looking in the mirror. Like all things worth having, I know this won’t be easy, but maybe my journey will help someone else in theirs. I am lazy by nature. And I’ve started to realize I’ve used that as an excuse to become complacent with the things that matter. Not just with my weight but in all things. Somewhere along the line I stopped taking care of me. 

I have struggled with my weight since I was 15. I am an emotional eater. When I am sad I eat and when I am happy I eat. If I am stressed, guess what? I eat. My mom also had issues with her weight and we can get into the trauma that created but this is about me, sooo we’ll leave that topic for another blog. (LOL) I know what my issues with food are. I’ve known about them for at least 10 years or more. It’s easier and far less work to ignore them. Remember I am lazy. Not in all things, but when it comes to emotional stuff I would much rather ignore than deal with it. I am an Aquarius. It’s not all my fault. 

I know some people might say it doesn’t matter how I got here but, just like dismantling white supremacy, if we don’t get to the root of the issue, nothing really changes. So while I focus on finding my happy place weight wise, I want to examine how it got this out of control in the first place. 

My name is Liz. 

I am fat. 

I am no longer hating myself for it. 

So, today is the day. Today is the day that I want to make a change – a permanent one. Yes, I’ve yo-yo’d, just as much as the next GI Jane and Barbie doll, but I have some real life motivation to help me along this time around. My mom is very sick, and she will be in the hospital for the next five weeks. In solidarity, I’m cutting out a lot of things…. But I’m really not seeing it that way. I think that this is the reality check that I really needed in my life. Turns out we have health issues in my family! And being overweight is certainly not going to help battle any of them. So today I declare the day of the beginning. For the next five weeks I am going to blog. I am going to blog meticulously, on a weekday basis. My job in communications (behind a desk) is obviously providing me with the luxury to do so, so here is my weight loss manifesto, so to speak:

-          I have bought a FitBit. With it, I’ve been consistently hitting 5,000 steps a day, but I’m upping that to 10,000 as of…. Right now! Done! Right now I’m at only 1,116 steps, so I’ve got QUITE a lot of work to do.

-          Every Monday I’m going to weigh in and post my weight (yikes!). Today isn’t Monday (Wednesday), but who said that you have to wait til Monday to do something awesome for yourself?? Today’s number is 236 lbs (double yikes!!). This is meant to keep me accountable and on track.

-          I was vegan for a while, which was awesome, but I would binge eat if I ever slipped up. This overwhelming feeling of failure would force me to give up my discipline and I would comfort myself with burgers and fries and… all the things I really shouldn’t be putting in my system. So now I’m shooting for a mostly vegetarian diet (vegan if possible). I really love how being vegan makes me feel, but it come with so much pressure that I’m officially giving myself permission to not feel.

-          I will log everything I ate at the end of the day.

-          I will try to get to bed before midnight every night (might not happen. I’m a grad student who is also interning!) I may or may not have stayed up last night watching cooking shows on Netflix until 6 am.

-          I will not eat out more than twice a week.

-          Here’s the scary one: working out!

o   I bought a gym membership that I’ve been using very sparingly. It’s at a 24 Hour Fitness that’s really close to my apartment. So I vow to:

§  Ride my bike to the gym every time I go, unless it’s after 10 pm, because then it’s dark and could be dangerous. (Yes, I understand that it’s against the whole “early bed time” thing, but a girl can only do so much!)

§  Go to Zumba and yoga every Wednesday night.

§  Go to the gym two other times during the week. More than two is great, but there are no “roll over” work outs.

 Weight loss goals:

-          Specific:

o   To be down to 196 by New Year’s. That’s 11 weeks and 4 pounds, which isn’t exactly doable, but I lose weight VERY quickly when I’m on the wagon, at least at first. 196 is the weight where I am no longer obese.

o   10 pounds by the time my mom is out of the hospital. That’s 10 pounds by November 15th.

o   145-165: lifetime goals. That’s basically a hundred pounds. God, how could I be this unkind to my body?

-          Arbitrary:

o   I might be moving after I graduate in December. It would be nice to be able to buy great clothes in a size that I don’t want to get out of, because then I’d have to trash my entire closet. And that’s a real waste of money. And I’m broke. So that’s a thing. 

The main goal is to be healthy, and to be kind to my body.

I'm a little depressed. I've gained weight. It's my own fault. I mean, I had pizza, beer, chicken wings, burgers, fries, and ice cream this past week and absolutely no excersise. How am I ever going to get down to 161 by October? I have no one at the moment to give me that extra push and motivation so, it's up to me.

Yeah, I'm a little depressed about it but I'm not down in the dumps either. This past week I've made it a habit to dress up and wear make up to work. It feels good. I feel good. I'm going to try and keep it up. I've been saying I want to get a whole new look and I only get about a third of the way there. I start by getting a haircut and buying a couple of dresses and then just stop there. What I don't do and should do is buy staple pieces. A few nice tops and pants, a skirt, some shorts. Things that I can mix and match. Once I've worn a dress a few times I usually go back to the same old routine: tshirt, jeans, and some Vans. I want to look like an adult because I am one. I want to have style and class. I guess, it's time to grow up. Plus, I want to feel great at any size.

The original plan was to lose a bunch of weight and then treat myself to a new wardrobe but after 16 months of trying to lose 50 lbs it isn't helping. I need to look good at every stage. I'm not ugly but I don't feel attractive. I want to feel like a woman. I want to feel attractive and beautiful. I want to feel and look classy. I haven't really taken advantage of being a woman. I'm still a girl who desperetly needs to grow up and mature. 

I watch a lot of old movies and I see these classy women and hope to one day be like them. The difference between me and them is not much. I always figure I can't be like them because I'm fat. I get discouraged and then go back to just being and feeling frumpy. I'm the only one that can make that change. I'm the one that can stop this and grow up. I once told a guy that I wanted to be classy. He laughed at me. Not like laugh in my face but laugh none the less. I can see why he laughed. It wasn't because I can't be classy but because I can be a goofball. Also, he didn't know me very well. I know that I'm on my way to growing up to be this classy, beautiful woman. It's in me. I just need to bring her out.