#fansens

May 1, 2022 was a good day and here's why. On that day, I got to see Dear Evan Hansen on tour. I first found the show in 2017 when a couple of my favorite YouTubers started taking about it and covering some of the songs. I immediately knew that this was a show I had to see. I spent the next several years avoiding spoilers, and even the soundtrack, hoping that one day I could experience the show first-hand the way it was intended to be experienced—at the theater. Finally, after 5 long years of waiting, the show found me.

I will never forget the feeling. Sitting in a room with hundreds of strangers, all of us crying together, laughing together, feeling together. Hearing the words "you are not alone" and actually believing them, because the proof was right in front of me and right behind me and directly to my left and directly to my right. We all saw ourselves on that stage that day. All of us. And we were anything but alone. It was magical. A picture perfect afternoon.

I have never connected so deeply to a piece of art before. Ever. Dear Evan Hansen has given me the language to express my most complex emotions. It taught me that I'm not the only one who slams on the brake before they even turn the key. It gave me hope that I could step into the sun. It convinced me that I still matter. And even when the dark comes crashing through or when I feel like letting go, Dear Evan Hansen is a constant reminder that I am me and that's enough.

Shows end all the time. I know that. But why is this one hitting me so hard? I've been thinking a lot about that and I think a big reason is because Dear Evan Hansen is not just a show that people enjoy. It is a show that saves lives, a show that heals people, a show that connects people, a show that helps us understand each other. I can't express how grateful I am to have gotten to experience it, and my heart hurts for those who may not ever have the chance to.

All this talk about endings, though, I think it's important to acknowledge that the memories aren't going anywhere. The memories are staying right here.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you to everyone who made this show happen. The writers, the actors, the musicians, the crew, the fans—everyone. Dear Evan Hansen is one of the best gifts the world has ever received and I'm confident that its legacy will live on For Forever.

I got another request yay!:

@itstrulyastrangerthing

hi! your matchmaker Connor was so cute! if your requests are open, could you maybe write another Zoe/Evan story with their first kiss? either that au or outside of that, whatever you feel like lol

I decided to make it the same AU cause I loved that cute lil world. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading the first one!

SHE’S EVERYTHING TO ME

Evans POV  

Zoe and I have actually been seeing each other for 3 weeks now!

Thanks to Connor, things have really been amazing! Us 3 have lunch together most days, and we’ve had movie nights the 3 of us, but I’ve felt pretty awful making Connor the 3rd wheel. He insists that he doesn’t mind but I still feel bad.

After school one day Zoe and I go back to her house to her room so I can do homework and she can practice for jazz band. Honestly, that’s probably what I like the most about this….relationship? She doesn’t make me feel pressured to entertain or be so high energy. We both just, enjoy being in each others company doing the simplest of things.

She makes me feel safe. Actually so does Connor. There have been a few times where Zoe is just way too busy and doesn’t want distractions so Connor and I will play mario kart or super smash brothers together. I think they are both such amazing people.

I hated those letters 5 weeks ago, but without them, I wouldn’t be in the position I am.

Sitting on the bed of Zoe Murphy, watching her play guitar.

I don’t even know how to describe how gorgeous Zoe looked playing her guitar. She looked peaceful, and full of love. She was creating something so beautiful but acting as if she was reciting something as simple as the alphabet.

She had the most stunning smile too, one that made me feel welcome and warm all over. One that made me feel compelled to just… lean in and give her a small kiss while she was playing.

“What was that?” She asked me with a wide smile. I watched as she brought her fingers up to her lips and then move them to her cheek.

“I’m sorry… you just. Whenever you play guitar. You close your eyes and you get this-- you probably don’t even know you’re doing this. But you get this half smile. Like you just heard the funniest thing in the world, but it’s a secret, and you can’t tell anybody. But then then, the way you smile, it’s sort of like you’re letting us in on the secret, too”

Zoe leaned closer. “I didn’t know I did that? You notice that kind of thing?”

I nodded and smiled and continued. “Like, I notice whenever you get bored, you scribble stars on the cuffs of your jeans, and you’re super into buzzfeed quizzes-- OH and those, teen magazine ones. Um and there was that time last year, when you put indigo streaks in your hair. I thought that looked… You looked really pretty.” I pushed down my nerves. I had already accidently kissed her once, and she didn’t completely freak out.

I push her hair behind her hair. “I think you’re-- I don’t know how you don’t see that you’re-- Zoe, you’re seriously, the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever met. Inside and out.”

Zoe was… beaming. “Would you maybe want to be my girlfriend? I know we’re not like… dating officially or whatever yet, but I would really really like to if you want to. I’m okay with waiting if you’re not ready to! I just thought that maybe I  should ask because if I didn’t ask now, I’d never get the courage to----”

I was cut off by Zoe kissing me. Longer than the small peck I gave her earlier, but still awkward seeing as we had a guitar between us. But it was perfect?

“I’d really like to be your girlfriend, Evan.” She smiles at me and it takes all I can in me not to actually scream.

Zoe Murphy. The girl I have liked secretly for almost 2 years is now my girlfriend.

“This is really weird, but am I allowed to go tell Connor?” I laugh “I mean just seeing as he is the one that got us to talk in the first place.”

Zoe laughs too, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Connor is like a weird, emo cupid.” My laughs haven’t stopped “Oh God, now you’re making me picture him in like a diaper with a bow and arrow thats all black that shoots people because it’s fun but ends up making people happy together.”

Zoe usually doesn’t get to the point of laughing so hard that she snorts but here we are. If I thought her smile was beautiful, her laugh trumps that by 3 times. I kiss her cheek quickly and then start for the door. “I’ll be right back.”

I run down the hallway to Connors door and knock excitedly.

“Jesus fuck I am coming, you don’t have to break my fucking door.” Connor said a bit annoyed but as not like he was angry annoyed so it was okay.

“Oh, it’s you. What’s up Evan? I thought you were having a Zoe day today?” I let myself into his room and flop onto his bed.

“I am! I just. I needed to come and tell you that it happened! You’re a matchmaker!”

“I’m a …. What?” Connor looked concerned.

“A Matchmaker! Zoe is my girlfriend now! We just kissed like 3 times and---holy shit I wonder if she realizes that she was my first kiss?” Connor just laughs and sits at the end of the bed by my feet.

“Congrats man. I mean, Zoe seriously hasn’t been this happy before. And I guess that means you and I can keep being friends. Now that you guys are official, does that make me and official third wheel?” he laughed.

Having tried to introduce this musical to friends of mine and their first response was: “that’s the musical with those nervous gay kids, right?” I must say I am disappointed that we, as a fandom, are leaving the impression that this is what Dear Evan Hansen is about. Let’s go over it again, shall we?

Dear Evan Hansen is a complex musical about Evan Hansen, a boy with anxiety. He gets wrapped up in lies he compulsively made trying to keep up the act he was friends with Connor Murphy, a boy with unstable mental health and anger issues who commit suicide.

He pulls in his friends Jared Kleinman and Alana Beck for help with the project he’s created, only to abandon them without even realizing it when he gets everything he wants. (I am not saying these two are innocent, but they were hurt by Evan.) (Also, do not erase their high functioning anxiety and insecurities!)

He has tricked the Murphy family and his community that he was close with Connor. While helping everyone connect, he is ripping apart himself and others with these lies. In the end, he hurt people. He hurt himself. He survived and is okay now. It’s not the closure we would want and expect from the end of a story, but this story is about life. Life doesn’t always have closure.

Zoe got hurt.

Jared got hurt.

Alana got hurt.

Heidi got hurt.

Mr. and Mrs. Murphy got hurt.

Connor got hurt.

Hurt and mental illness. This is the story. Don’t erase it. Learn from it, instead.

I am not saying that this is all the story is and that shipping anything in it is wrong. I MYSELF SHIP STUFF! I just want the message to be seen. This post highlights the dark and painful parts of Dear Evan Hansen.

I am not saying the show is not happy.

It really can be. It really is. 

Evan created a place where people could learn they are not alone! Alana and Jared were part of it! The Murphy’s healed.  Everyone healed, as well as they got hurt.

Just because I say one thing, doesn’t mean I cancel out the other. They coexist.