#fae!jaskier

just both of them stone faced and fucking BRACED

it is not comfortable

they're barely eating dinner

they're probably going to strain something

Okay friends let’s picture it:

Young Julian, like 4 or 5, is sitting in the garden one evening trying to sing a song to the flowers so they will grow big and beautiful. His parents had gotten annoyed with his noisier as and sent him out of their presence for the night.

Now Julian knew not to be cross in front of his parents as it often earned him a fierce scolding and he had no friends on account of having never left his families estate. So the flowers would be his friends. The flowers and the herbs and the insects that tended the garden more dutifully than any human could. He would sing to the roses and the lilies and forget me nots.

When he had gotten into a spot of mischief he would whisper his secrets to the lemon balm and when he was sad he tell his woes to the rosemary. And they really were the best of friends. The denizens of the garden never thought Julian was unruly or too loud. His green companions never showed him from their company. So he sand to them nightly because it was the only gift he could give them in return for their company.

But one night Julian’s father had been fed up with Julian trouncing in the muck and singing nonsense to plants. He had struck little Julian across the face and had the boy locked in his chambers. Julian wept into his pillow, not just from the sting on his cheek but because his father said he would be walking off the garden, depriving Julian of his only friends in the world. But garden had grown fond of little Julian.

That night the leaves on shrubs and bushes called out to the nearby forest. They rustled back and forth parlaying for the young boys freedom. The forest said that it would shelter no human for they were cruel and sought only to take and chop and burn. And so all the denizens of the garden came to a decision. They drew the magic and life that flowed in all things and crept their roots to Julian’s window. They reach inside and curled about his sleeping form. They poured forth all the life and magic within themselves into little Julian. Transforming him into a not quite human. The magic of the soil and breeze and rain was infused into the little boys very bones. Ever would he smell of roses and rosemary. Plants would flourish under his touch. The insects and little birds lent their voice to the little boy making his voice lovely beyond bearing. The beetles and mice let him walk quiet and unseen. The dirt would let neither time nor illness strip away his vitality. The berries and fruit made his kiss sweet and sour.

As the garden worked its magic the plants began to wither. For they had exchanged their life and for the little boy to be not human enough to live in the forest. Their last gift made his eyes as blue as his forget me nots, so that little Julian would always remember his first friends. His name was no longer Julian, but Jaskier. He was the gardens little buttercup, their precious poison.

Vesemir was having the strangest year of his long life. His pup geralt had not only managed to bind himself to a sorceress AND a Cintran princess, but also a member of the fairy Court.

The crashing of rocks in the background tell him that the sorceress and her pupil are hard at work, using their magic to help rebuild the northern tower. Echos of laughter drift down to vesemir. His pups are hard at work, helping put plaster in the cracks. Or at least they pretend to work hard when he's in eye sight. They still think that if they can't see him then he clearly can't tell what kind of mischief they are getting into.

Speaking of the little runaway viscount. "Hello bard."

"Good morning sir vesemir! And how are you this fine day? Ooh what are we harvesting today?"

"Watermelons, Lamberts cat brought me some seeds from his caravan last year, and I wanted to see how well they'd grow at this altitude."

Blue eyes peek over vesemirs shoulder, "I haven't seen a Watermelon in decades!" The young fae practically shouts in his excitement. "I can hardly wait, I swear between the treasures of your garden and cooking I've gained ten pounds, this last week alone!"

Vesemir chuckled at the bard, who was dressed in a shockingly bright green outfit, "true, you're beginning look like one of my watermelons"

A loud, dramatic gasp and a swat at his shoulder makes vesemir laugh even louder. "Nice try, but you're a kitten without any claws. All hissing and yowling and fluffing up trying to look scary"

"Rude!" Jaskier does indeed appear to fluff himself up as he draws in a deep breath to lecture the older wolf.

Before he can speak vesemir pats jaskiers head condescendingly. "I jest bard, a little kitten like you couldn't possibly eat an entire Watermelon. So we better save them all for the wolves. Help keep that figure trim."

Jaskier draws himself up glaring at the wolf. The teasing about his weight he can handle. Calling him a kitten? That's fine! But the audacity to not share the deliciousness of Watermelon?? This shall not stand!

"Let's see who's the kitten around here." Blue eyes become even bluer, glowing brightly as he gently taps the older Witcher on the nose with his forefinger.

"Bard what the hell are you doing!?" Vesemir roars in anger. Or at least he tries to. All that comes out is a series of tiny squeaks.

Long fingers come into view and vesemir swats them away, hissing furiously. The bards tinkling laughter fills the air and vesemir can feel himself being lifted by his scruff. Much to his annoyance, vesemir can't help how his body goes limp in response.

Jaskiers face appears in front of vesemirs own. "Oh you are the cutest thing! Yet you still look so grumpy, even as a kitten."

The bard brings vesemir closer and kisses his forehead, crooning under his breath. Vesemir growls at the affection, which just makes jaskier laugh more.

After a moment jaskier rearranges his grip, and as soon as he releases vesemirs scruff, vesemir takes advantage and attacks! With a wild yowl he scratches jaskiers cheek. A single drop of blood appears.

The fae heals it immediately, and huffs at at vesemir. "So rude! Well if you're not going to be good company, then I'll leave you be!

With that, jaskier places the cranky kitten on the ground, and decides to push his luck even further. "I look like a Watermelon do I? Well fine! A Watermelon I shall be!"

Another poof of magic fills the air, and in jaskiers place, a Watermelon sits. Rage fills vesemir at the faes antics and he scrambles around the plants and begins lecturing the fruit. bard. Whatever! He smacks the Watermelon without much success, considering how tiny his paws are. He can feel his fur fluffing up as his temper grows.

He's still yelling (mewing) at the bard to change them back, when the hungry pups wander into the garden, wanting to collect the pair for lunch.

To their surprise they see a cranky grey kitten, furiously growling and squeaking at a strange glowing Watermelon.

Lambert snorts. "Is that your bard?"

Eskels eyes widen, "is that... VESEMIR?"

Geralt simply sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. Vesemir will be making him run the walls nonstop for months because he brought his ridiculous bard to kaer morhen.

YOU DO NOT SAVE CRUMBS FOR JASKIER?

YOU FORGET ABOUT JASKIERS ENJOYMENT OF APPLE TARTS LIKE IT IS UNIMPORTANT???

CURSES FOR THE WITCHER!!!

CURSES FOR THE WITCHER FOR 10000000 YEARS!!!!!1

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Part 2 Part 3 Part 4