#f4rtf4ce

I can’t listen to my music because I shared it all with my ex boyfriend and he listened to everything i ever recommended. I find it oddly difficult to open my music app and listen to literally anything, i immediately just start to cry. Which is honestly really stupid (and very depressing because i used to listen to music 24/7) but it’s just how i feel.

It really just bothers me how things can change so quickly. Nothing ever stays the same and it’s not supposed to but it’s so difficult and frustrating, I almost wish everything would stay the same forever, I wish I could feel neutrality and happiness for the rest of my life.

Im scared because i graduated, because im moving homes, because I have to go to university, because i chose to end a relationship that was bad for me but was routine. I simply just carry a fear of the unknown that I don’t know how to cope with. Idk what comes after graduation, idk how i’ll adjust to my new home, idk what lies ahead at university, idk how to return to a new sense of normalcy after being anxiety ridden for 8 months because I couldn’t control how someone felt and thought of me.

I just need time to move on, but i want it to be quick, even though that’s not how it works. I just don’t wanna be scared and upset anymore

🕊️

The first dream was just us hanging out like how we used to and then the hangout was over and we were texting on the evil app (instagram) and it was all the same as we left it. The chat theme was the same and it all felt very real, I send a deranged message, something that a lovely lady who really misses her ex would say. I unsend the message instantly but he already saw it and says something like “i miss you, i’ll change” and then i wake up. He might miss me that sounds mildly real, I was a part of his life for months. But changing is impossible for people who don’t want to change and he definitely didn’t wanna change. I subconsciously wanted him to change because he wasn’t treating me kindly. I was not a priority because he only cared about money (had no way to pay off school) and living his life with friends, he’s not evil for that but he didn’t have the courage to break up with me so he just strung me along, THAT was evil…

The second dream was just texting on instagram again. The chat theme the same and all that. I don’t remember the details but it was definitely almost exactly the same as the previous dream, only with more chats that i don’t remember.

The last dream was in a public setting. We were at a school dinner for graduation, but he sat away from me. I sat with some of my friends and he sat with his. I get up to go talk to him, he seems uninterested, then i give him the bookmark i made him (I had made him a bookmark before breaking up, it was cute and it had a sketch of us and all his fav things) he says he loves it and my art and shows his friends, no one cares! I turn around for a split second and he’s gone. I look for him, stopping to talk to some friends, I find him again and he disappears. I never get a private moment with him. Then I wake up! He did abandon me at graduation, he left and i had to find him outside, (the only people who waited for me were friends which i am really grateful for) he would always leave me for friends, he would always avoid me. Towards the end of our relationship I was becoming depressed, it was getting bad, I could feel myself getting worse by the day. I had no energy to do anything, but he was full of energy and going to grad parties, I missed every single grad party I was excited for because I couldn’t bring myself to do literally anything that could potentially involve his friends. When I would text him he would avoid answering my messages and text literally anyone else. He said my depression was “annoying” every problem i had was an inconvenience to him, and that hurt a lot.

🕊️

Yes, I’m a twink

Yes, I can drive

we exist