#extreme angst

A/N: Brace yourself guys. I might have changed a few extra details to fit my needs.

***

You Cried For Help and I Walked Away, Part 4

Deeks was unsteady enough and in such obvious pain, that she almost insisted he stay back. Something about his determined expression and his comment about helping take Sidorov down kept her from saying anything. If any deserved that chance, he did. Plus, she knew he would never do anything to put the rest of them in danger.

She’d helped Deeks put his T-shirt on, and now he was in the small bathroom putting on the rest of his clothes. Biting at her thumbnail, Kensi checked her phone and responded to another text. They were supposed to leave in five minutes and Callen was getting antsy.

Just as she started to worry, Deeks stepped out of the bathroom, a hoodie in one hand.

“Can you help me?” he asked. “I can’t get it over my head by myself.” He glanced away, as though embarrassed he needed more help.

“Oh yeah. Here.” Together, they managed to ease it over his head without bumping his face too much. Though based on his sharp inhale, it wasn’t completely pain free.

Without thinking, Kensi reached up to smooth his hair back, and a wave of affection filled her. She’d avoided letting herself even consider how she felt about Deeks since he kissed her. Now, Kensi couldn’t deny it anymore. Not when they were about to walk into another dangerous situation. Not after nearly losing Deeks so horrifically.

Deeks stilled as she slid her palm down to cup his cheek and leaned in to press her lips to an unbruised patch of skin, then dropped her face to his neck. After a moment of hesitation, he wrapped his arms around her. For once, Deeks didn’t say a word. He just rubbed small circles below her shoulder blade, his head lowering to rest on hers.

They allowed themselves those few moments. Then Kensi stepped back, letting her hands drop to her sides.

“We better get Sam,” she said.

***

Kensi didn’t leave Deeks’ side once they rescued Michelle. She still couldn’t quite believe Sidorov was dead or that they’d all survived it. It felt like she could finally breathe again.

Glancing over at Deeks in the passenger seat of her SUV, she noticed his slumped posture and absolutely exhaustion in his face. His head tilted back against the seat and eyes closed, his jaw strained and the bruising and swelling more significant than before.

He should be recovering at home.

Kensi pulled up in front of the mission, getting as close to the entrance as she could. When Deeks didn’t move, she nudged his shoulder and he woke with a jerk and a soft groan of pain.

“Sorry!” She drew back as Deeks blinked a few times and carefully stretched. “We’re back,” she told him.

“Ok.” Moving with the same caution, he opened the door and got out. Kensi rushed to stand by his side when he visibly swayed a couple times.

“Hey, why don’t you sit down? I’ll go check in with Callen and then I can take you home,” she suggested as they reached the bullpen. Callen and Sam had left sometime before them and were presumably debriefing upstairs.

“I think I’m gonna go, uh, clear out my locker first,” Deeks said. “There are a couple things I need. I probably should turn my firearm in too.”

Kensi’s alarm spiked at yet another mention of him not returning. It must have shown on her face because, he added,

“The doctor said I should plan on being out for at least twelve weeks for surgeries.” Deeks gestured to his mouth, drawing Kensi’s attention to the strain in his jaw and swelling. “Maybe more if recovery doesn’t go well.”

God, she hadn’t even thought of that. “Um, do you want to me to get it for you? Just tell me what you need.”

“Probably some things you shouldn’t see,” he said, flashing a weak smile. “Thanks, but I can handle it. You, uh, you debrief and I’ll try not to fall asleep before you get back.”

Kensi got the sense that he wanted a moment to himself, so she didn’t push.

“Ok, I’ll be quick.” She squeezed his arm, watching him shuffle towards the lockers before hurrying towards the stairs.

“Hey Kens?” he called after her. “I couldn’t have done it without you. You’re the only thing that kept me sane. Thinking about you.” He shrugged, avoiding eye contact again, then nodded in the general direction of OPS. “You better go before Hetty comes to hunt you down.”

Kensi didn’t know what to say to such a revealing and vulnerable admission, so she stayed silent. And like a coward, took Deeks’ advice.

Kensi managed to give her oral report in under ten minutes. There would be more reports and questions later, of course, but thankfully everyone seemed to realize Deeks still remained her top concern. She would take him home and maybe they could finally talk about what happened before everything went to hell.

“Deeks, are you ready?” she asked, walking into the bullpen. “Callen and Sam wanted to—” she broke off, her stomach dropping at the sight of one Deeks lying on the ground beside the lockers.

“Oh my god, no. Deeks,” she breathed. A rushing noise filled her ears as she fell to her knees beside him and pressed her hand to his neck.

“Deeks,” she whispered.

***

A/N: Oh anon, this prompt breaks my heart. I almost never kill off the main cast, but I will make an exception this time.

Please be mindful of the topic if you think it might be upsetting for you.

***

You Cried For Help and I Walked Away

“Blye, we need to go,” Granger prompted Kensi, not for the first time. She ignored him in favor of holding Deeks hand and quietly talking to him. The doctor had given him some kind of sedative, but he still jerked and heart-wrenchingly sad noises every time one of the medical team so much as touched him.

“I can’t just leave him in there,” Kensi protested without looking away from Deeks’ prone body. He was disoriented, terrified, and horrifically injured. Thanks to them. After the way he’d reacted to the emergency room doctor, he needed someone nearby to steady him. Hopefully, she wouldn’t make it worse when he gained consciousness again.

“Agent Blye, you are coming dangerously close to insubordination,” Granger warned quietly.

“Fine, then take my badge.” She shrugged carelessly. “I don’t care anymore.”

“Michelle and the rest of this team need your help.”

Kensi finally dropped Deeks’ hand and walked a few steps away so they wouldn’t get kicked out. “And what about Deeks? Who’s going to help him?” She waited for Granger to respond, but his gaze shifted and looked almost uncomfortable instead. “I can’t leave him alone,” she repeated carefully, her voice shaking slightly. “Not like this.”

“Alright.” Granger sighed, his mouth set in a grim line. “You can stay until he’s stable.”

Swallowing, she fought back the tears burning her eyes and clawing at her throat. “Thank you, sir.”

“Just make the kid gets a good oral surgeon,” he muttered, shaking his head.

Turning away from him, Kensi resumed her place at Deeks’ side, clasping her hands firmly around his loose fingers.

***

A/N: There will be a part 2. I can’t make a prompt like this just a one-shot.

Johnny is a siren. Specifically a blood bound siren. He lived his life being preyed upon and with abuse from his parents—he DOES have a land form though! It’s hard to explain but I’ll try?

He like Dally has patches of scales along his face and arms and legs. He has webbed feet and a long tail, and he has ruffs on the sides of his face—kinda like the sea monsters in Luca but not really? I’ll have to draw it, smh

BUT! In his normal form he’s pretty gigantic, just like Darry and Daly are, however on land he’s normal sized. He can go on land but not for long periods of time. He needs water on hand because he will literally die without it-sometimes he wears a fishbowl on his head and other times he just sticks full of water so he doesn’t die. His baby sister Josie is a mermaid-he only gets really big if he’s scared or feeling threatened…which is pretty much all the time. Kinda like a pufferfish in a way. But the thing he’s sought after for most is his voice

Johnny can use his voice to heal wounds or even get rid of blood clots (he can’t on himself though, not completely)-but he was often the one fixing up the gang, though it’s very tiring for him to do so. And he needs his voice to do it because he’s a siren of course. However when he gets jumped he was probably going on land to try and find some food or just for fun and the Socs got to him and what did they do?

They took his voice. Miraculously he lived-he managed to heal himself enough to the point where he isn’t gonna die but he’s still very very hurt and now his voice is gone and who knows what those Socs are gonna do with it? What kinds of potions they’re gonna make with it? God forbid they wore it as jewelry…but from that moment on he’s not able to talk. His voice is regenerated but that takes years at least. He can only whisper and even then it’s impossible to hear him.

A/N: I will readily admit that this is overly angsty and dramatic. Hetty does come off too well. As is my tendency of late.

***

All the Sorrys in the World

Kensi stumbled into the mission. Someone had driven her there, though she couldn’t tell who. Her mind and body felt numb. Like it belonged to someone else.

“Kensi. Kensi!”

Someone grabbed her arm, and she jerked back, the opposite hand coming up in a defensive fist as she swung around.

“Woah, Kensi, it’s just me,” Sam said, leaning out of her reach, hands raised in the air.

He hadn’t been there, she recalled, the thought just as hazy as everything almost everything else. Or Callen.

“Is it true? Deeks is—?” Sam swallowed heavily, looking down and to the left, questions left unfinished.

For the first time, something pricked at the back of her mind, painful and inconceivable, and she pushed it back. She had a mission, a purpose, and she couldn’t be distracted.

“What happened?” he asked instead.

“The building exploded,” she answered woodenly. “There wasn’t enough time to—there wasn’t enough time.”

In her mind, she saw Deeks’ horrified and panicked look, the fear, the dismay in his eyes, as they realized they were out of options. He’d made her leave. Used every last bit of his power, pleaded with her, until she finally gave in, hating herself with every second, and left.

Sam embraced her unexpectedly, arms engulfing her, his chest solid and warmth against the side of her face. “Kensi, I am so sorry,” he whispered in her ear. His voice shook.

Kensi squeezed her eyes shut, but didn’t return the gesture, arms hanging loosely at her sides.

Finally, Sam stepped back, the sheen of tears on his cheeks. He shook his head and swiped his hand under his nose.

“We would have come, Kensi—”

“You had things to do. I understand,” she said, her numbness disguising and bitterness she felt. She glanced around the bullpen, towards the desk sat upon its pedestal. “Where’s Hetty?”

“Hold on a second, Kensi. We should get you checked out first.”

“I’m fine.”

“Kens, you’re bleeding,” Sam said gently, gesturing to her arm. She held it up, staring at the slash in her shirt, a long cut peeking through. An uneven patch of blood surrounded the boarders of the tear. Distantly, she noticed there were small holes along with smears of something dark. Some of the shrapnel must have hit her when the bomb—

“It’s nothing,” she repeated. “I need to speak with Hetty.”

“She upstairs.”

She moved past Sam, her purpose giving her strength to climb the stairs, and then she stood in front of the doors. When they slid open, she had a brief glimpse of Nell sitting at one of the tech stations, head buried on her hands, with Eric standing over her, hands on her shoulders. And in the middle of it all, Hetty.

Kensi walked through, marching straight up to Hetty. She heard Nell whisper her name, but ignored it. Hetty’s eyes widened ever so slightly, but she stood her ground.

“Was it worth it?” Kensi whispered.

“Kensi, my dear, you shouldn’t be here,” Hetty responded slowly, carefully. Like Kensi was someone who needed to be managed. A damaged creature.

“Was all the manipulation, the games, the controlling people’s lives worth it? Was gaining your perfect soldiers worth Deeks’ life?”

Hetty made a small sound of distress, and it woke he anger in Kensi. She suddenly wanted to smack her.

“I never intended for any of this to happen,” she said. “You must know that Kensi.”

“Oh, I’m sure you didn’t,” Kensi replied with a laugh that sounded deranged and acidic to her own ears. “Somehow you just always seem to be the one responsible when people are hurt. Because you are the reason Deeks is gone. You are the reason a deranged, hurt, angry man decided to trap us in a rigged building.”

Hetty took a step back, her face blanching as Kensi’s voice and anger rose.

“Deeks is dead, Hetty.” Her voice cracked and a brutal pain stabbed through her chest. “I didn’t even get to hold him one more time before he was gone. I left him in that building, scared and alone, waiting to die.”

Kensi didn’t attempt to stop the tears that filled her eyes now, or the shaking of her hands. She was beyond that control now.

“And I blame you for that, Hetty. I blame you for my husband’s death, for cutting his life short, for destroying our future. And I blame you for never learning to stop.”

“Kensi, if I could change what happened, I would,” Hetty murmured, reaching for her hand. Kensi stepped back, nostrils flaring with disgust and hatred.

“But you can’t. You can’t bring him back.” Kensi felt a tear slip down her cheek. “You can’t let me kiss Deeks one more time. He’s gone.” Shaking her head, Kensi turned her back on Hetty, brushing past Sam, ignoring Nell’s worried call.

***

Thanks for the prompt!

“Ugh.. I suppose I would never hear the end of it from the decrepit old man until he claimed me back. Assuming the hunger does not ruin me first.”