#exreligious

Like, okay, so I was raised with the old bullshit "lying is a sin so you should never ever do it ever".

But then you get older, and at least if you're me, you realize pretty damn young that lying is actually expected, you just have to be good at it. So you lie about saying your bedtime prayer that you hate, and they believe your yes and now you don't have to do it because you can just say you did. And then you lie about wanting to go to some event because you're supposed to want to go. Or maybe you lie about liking or not liking something based on what you're "supposed" to think. And before you know it you're lying and lying and lying and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a self preservation lie and a "bad" lie, because all of them feel like bad lies, but at the same time a lot of them feel like clinging to a life preserver in the middle of a storming sea, so how are you supposed to know the difference? Is there even a difference at all? If all lying is bad, then why are you expected to do it so often?

So by the time you get to adulthood you're REALLY good at lying, even though you kind of hate that about yourself, and sometimes you find yourself saying half truths even why you don't have to because it feels safer, but it also feels awful because you don't want to lie to people you do actually trust! You don't fully know why you said you like the song they just mentioned when you don't - you know they won't care either way.

5/31/23

christians use the word "faith" a lot. It's one of the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Unfortunately, I have that list memorized. 

I lived by the fruits of the spirit as a teenager. There were a lot of rules given by the church about who I should be, but fewer rules in the bible, at least ones that made sense. But this was a list I could get behind: character traits I could work on developing that would make me both a good candidate for heaven, and a good wife and mother. 

Gross.

Anyway, in a recent interview I gave, the interviewer asked me to explain my current theological stance, since I had identified myself as an exvangelical. I explained that I prefer "agnostic," although it certainly wouldn't offend me if someone called me atheist. And when he asked me why I had chosen agnostic over atheist, I found myself surprised by my own response. I said something along the lines of, "Well, if you think about it, atheism requires just as much faith as christianity. christians must have unshakeable faith that god exists; atheists have to have just as much faith that god doesn't exist. Neither is provable." 

And then I said, to my own surprise: "Ultimately, I just try to stay as far away from faith as possible."

I was surprised because of how true it was.

If I can't have faith in god, I also can't have faith in no god.

Do I think the christian god exists? Obviously not. But atheism requires the belief that "No god exists," which is also something I can't confidently commit to. Especially when you look at the broad expanse of the word "god." It's been used in so many ways over the millennia. Even the bible says, "you shall have no other gods before me" which implies the presence of other gods—and whether they are actual or made up or metaphorical doesn't really matter. It still falls under the definition of "god." Not to mention, plenty of people use the term "god" to mean something like "universal consciousness" which... isn't impossible, as far as I can see. 

You know how they say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference? I think the same is true of christianity. The opposite of christianity is not atheism—it's agnosticism.

Ask a christian how they know their god is the True god, as opposed to, for example, Allah or Zeus or Ra, and inevitably they will get around to saying, "I have faith."

Cool. 

I don't. 

I don't have faith. 

That is not a thing I have. 

And I never will have it—not in the christian god, not in the muslim god, not in any of the myriad gods who have risen and fallen throughout history. Nor even in the lack of god. I don't even have faith in physics! Damn physicists keep changing our understanding of the foundational framework of the universe! It's great, don't get me wrong. But definitely worth holding onto a little disbelief, even in things that are supposedly True.

After I said I stayed as far away from faith as possible, the interviewer then said to me, "Well, you must have some faith in something. How else do you ride in airplanes?"

But the thing is, I don't need faith to ride in airplanes. I have my understanding of physics. I have the evidence of mine own eyes. I have a mind that I can use to understand to the best of my ability. It's not perfect. But it is better than nothing, which is all christianity has.

You could make the argument that I must have faith in something, because that's just what it means to be human, and I can't know everything about everything all the time. I wouldn't disagree with you. 

I also wouldn't agree. 

I'd stay solidly somewhere in the bounds of "maybe."

Perhaps some version of faith in something is an inevitable part of life. 

But I definitely don't have to have blind faith. I don't have to have stupid faith. I don't have to have immoral faith.

I do not have to have faith in a god who never deigned to honor me with his presence, nor logic, nor reason, nor answers. 

I do not have to have faith in a god who in one moment condemns entire cities to death, and in the next professes his profound love for humans.

I do not have to have faith in a god who lets children die for no fucking reason, and forces women to bear the children of their rapists, and who would chop a woman into pieces because of the sins of men. 

Who would command a man to kill a child to prove his "faith."

I do not have to have faith. Faith is taught, learned. And it can be unlearned. 

Ultimately, I may never be able to fully reject every modicum of faith. But this isn't about having a black and white answer. It's about an approach to life. Anytime I stumble across a bubble of faith hiding away somewhere in my brain, I beat it with a stick (aka knowledge), until either it disintegrates, or turns into a fuzzy cloud of "I don't know and that's okay."

It's okay to not know. It's okay to be wrong. But I don't have to give in to faith either. Instead, I can accept the gray area. I don't need faith. I simply need to be willing to continually learn, and willing to admit that I might be wrong.

You may call me Posi or PositivelyAtheist. I use any pronouns. As this blog name might suggest, I seek to promote positivity and curiosity in the Atheist Community on Tumblr. This is not a debate blog.

⭐️ What is an Atheist? ⭐️ My Journey ⭐️ Recommended Reading ⭐️ To People Who Want Religion Banned

I will be opening my Ask box soon! Please ask if you can vent before sending in a vent. If you do not want your ask to be made public, let me know. I am not a therapist. I can offer peer support and opinions.

We are not doomed to martyrdom, vengeance, or hate. I see more love and support in the exreligious communities than I ever did in Christian ones.

when I left the church

I did it quietly.

no one really knew how much I’d

lost and left behind.

the couple friends I told

they took it silently --

while grateful for the tolerance

I somehow wish they had done

more.

when I lost my faith

it hurt me privately --

and I decided not to shout

because I didn’t want salvation,

not

after spending all my time

and my inner private effort

begging for my life

and for that peace which

was promised

after doing all the praying,

surrendering myself,

searching for His meaning

and hushing my doubt.

when I left the church

it arose abruptly

yet when I think about the years I spent

it is not quite so abrupt –

when it finally happened, it just made sense.

I looked about myself

for that faith

and where it went –

I couldn’t find it;

and I was spent.

when I wrote this poem

I did it quietly –

no one was around

to bear witness to the

sound

of a woman bearing witness

to herself

because

there was no one else.

when I left the church

no one stood beside me.

no one saw me as I stepped

into the sun.

the couple friends I told

knew a little of my soul

and that it was going on

to find its way

but it is hard even to

really say

because I do not feel seen

because I do not feel heard

which is why I found the time

to write down my words.

when I left the church

it was very lonely

to be surrounded by that village

that has raised you since birth

and suddenly find that you do not

relate to their meanings

and in fact, find them empty

and in fact, find them wary

to be suddenly challenged by your

loneliness

to find a new life outside

everything you know

so you do not have to hide,

because you feel like your hiding

from those which you do know

because you find yourself not wanting

to tell those who you know

because you find yourself thinking

what they’ll say, you already know.

because what they’ll say

you would have said

before.

when I left the church

it was confusing

because now I know I do not know the way

but

when I left the church

it was also freeing

because my choices are my own

and a path hasn’t been chosen for me

and my mistakes are mine to own

and I didn’t fail my destiny.

when I left the church

I did so quietly

so quietly I wondered

how any of them knew

I still believed;

and yet I knew that they knew

that I still believed

because when I made this choice

I did it quietly

not because I know things

I didn’t know before;

but because I better know

myself --

and I do not know the lord.

At age 9 I sat there between my parents, my mother on my left and my farther on the right. We were at a Tuesday night meeting when a strange an alien thought passed through my mind that changed my life forever. The thought played out like this, I looked at my mothers face fixated on the speaker on the platform then looked at my father’s face and he was just as fixated on the speaker both looked almost as though they were in a trance completely engrossed in the words they were hearing. I looked at those around them and they all looked mindlessly focused on what was being said. At this moment as a 9-year-old, I decided to change my perspective and listen to what was being said as though I had never heard any of it before. This was a pivotal moment because as I took this view my entire understanding of everything I’d ever known began to shift. I realised that everything I was hearing and knew sounded insane. If I was a worldly person hearing this for the first-time id think these people were crazy.

Upon realising this I started to feel separated from my own reality. I couldn’t tell my parents or friends about this or I’d be in all sorts of trouble if they didn’t feel they could stamp the doubts out fast enough. I felt a feeling of almost panic while sitting in that chair between my parents, I may have been an only child, but I felt alone for the first time in my life. Separated from everyone and everything I knew by a single thought. I had heard awful stories of people doubting and leaving. Being cut off from their family and being considered monsters, and that the devil had consumed them. I began to think that Satan was manipulating my thoughts and causing me to doubt. All these thoughts were extremely overwhelming for a 9-year-old Jehovah’s Witness.