#expressingthoughts

Mywords

Back to the square one of my thoughts because I feel like I have to re-plan everything entirely. I really don’t know what I’m going to do but I sure hope I can figure out something REAL soon. 

Here is where the tables turned. As many of you have heard and read about my precious Amerie, well that is just all that happened. Amerie. Tables were turned. everything suddenly seemed possible. Pain rarely came about. I already did not truly stress but suddenly, stress was completely non existent. Insomnia left me and even though I still barely get sleep, it’s only because of the busy life i have developed. No longer would i occupy myself to escape what I fear would happen or repeat itself in my past. Though I still stay occupied to escape thinking. I still find that dangerous. Either way just as I once said that I changed my life for the better thanks to my nephews who became my motivation, Amerie pushes me to actually complete goals I have set with little to no distractions involved. Before I would juggle a billion things at once but I would still get it done but now I have learned to actually prioritize and plan better to stay organized and not pile things up or procrastinate as I used to. Many have asked me “Dude, who are you?” because I have actually changed quite decently d greatly in the best ways known. Punctuality, effort, responsibility, etc. “For those who have known how I was last year, this year I am better” is what I told a group of friends of mine as a good point that has happened. I, Damon Santiago, am just better and it’s to someone very special to me.

I don’t understand it but believe I won’t fight it. So many things unsaid that I continue to hide it. The reason is simple and maybe it isn’t smart to do. As selfless as I am being, it should be the thought of the gesture. Many times I address things just to let it be known but in the end I realize maybe it wasn’t the way to go. As open as a book I should probably express the words written in the pages. Yet still I just draw a huge picture and let the interpretations be what they may be. Now I’m being asked what is really up forcing my thoughts resurface. With such a conversation maybe we are being delusion and not honest with ourselves or each other. Instead things are hidden, ignored and forgotten hoping that it would never be brought up. It’s our system, it always worked but maybe this one time it might make things worst. They all ask what is wrong? How do i feel? Are you ok? If I actually knew the answer then I would reply so my answers of course are “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter. i feel nothing i guess. I’m not ok but that’s not important right now”. With what is at hand I do not matter and caring towards me is quite slim. So many questions being asked as if I even know what is going on to begin with when I am not controling this flight. I still refuse to enter any thoughts, I’ve ignored them for so long for a reason that I don’t want to let them back in and deal with them. There are more important things than to be worrying about no feelings. One thing I can’t even mention is why I am even doing that. The reason is inconspicuous. The fact of the matter is everything has suddenly changed and without a choice I gotta live with it without even having much of a say. That being said all I can do is go with the flow and hope what I strive for becomes a completed goal. Thank you dear friend for helping me come to this realization. I now know the truth and maybe confessions are now due.

I fear losing people I am close to. Depending anyway. I tend to forget that you’re different and that you mean what you say. You say I won’t lose you no matter our status which I should believe you. I do believe you. I’m just afraid you’re going to change your mind. I hope you don’t but I am taking your word and making sure we stay perfectly fine with each other. No more stubbornness and I am dropping all arms. Now we move forward together the way we should’ve. The way you told me we should’ve. You’re right. We are better as friends but we had a decent run. None of which we regret. We agreed trial and if it don’t work out back to how we were. You want to approach this differently but we have same goal at the end of the day. I’m going to miss how we were while we leave it for a while but getting back there will be worth it and even better when we get back to it. That is my goal. Back to our beginning.

And you thought these were all just simple words

PS. First greatest day was meeting you and until this day, how I felt and feel towards you hasn't change. No matter what you do or say will ever change it either.

I have no idea what Jasmin did with her feelings but truth is I never erased or reduced how I feel about her all this time. When we broke up I ignored how I felt for the sake of her getting what she wanted, us not together anymore. Her happiness always mattered more to me than any of my selfishness. To make it work I just thought of the one reason why we should break up and that is so we can just be friends in the end. Did I flip the switch? Nope I just felt every possible emotion that came my way but I hid them pretty well. What did I do with my feelings? Absolutely nothing. I held on to them and left them alone. This is why sometimes we are together and I am perfectly fine but sometimes I just want her. I want to hold her, kiss her, hold her hand, cuddle with her, I just want to be hers once again. As much as I would love to be hers again, I know there's not another opportunity with my name on it. I like Jasmin a whole lot and who knows when that will change but for now they still remain. I will not force them away and I'm not going to switch them off. She always assumed I love her but I honestly don't know. Regardless of how I am, I just don't believe in love and never really let myself go to the point of ever feeling it again. Even if I did, I probably wouldn't even recognize it. One thing is for sure, I like the way being with Jasmin felt. It was an amazing feeling. She still makes me smile that it's unbelievable. She would be the last thing on my mind at night and the first thing the next morning and knowing she is still in my life, I just remain happy. I really do miss her. I miss us, together. I miss her touch, our mini lunch dates, the way she would jokingly act like I have other girls although she knew she is the only one, the way she would block my view so I would have my eyes and attention only on her. Man, Jasmin and I really been through it together but believe me when I say it was worth it. We would fight but still make up in the end like it never even happened. We would wrestle for fun and tire each other out. Her kisses were pretty special, Sent that tingly feeling down my spine even. She always says I'm greedy and I don't even care because she is just a diamond. Does she miss anything from our relationship, I will never know. She isn't the one to really admit to lovey dovey stuff but it's cool. I will not change a single thing about how I am to her. She will always be my queen.