#shaqiramentality

I don’t understand it but believe I won’t fight it. So many things unsaid that I continue to hide it. The reason is simple and maybe it isn’t smart to do. As selfless as I am being, it should be the thought of the gesture. Many times I address things just to let it be known but in the end I realize maybe it wasn’t the way to go. As open as a book I should probably express the words written in the pages. Yet still I just draw a huge picture and let the interpretations be what they may be. Now I’m being asked what is really up forcing my thoughts resurface. With such a conversation maybe we are being delusion and not honest with ourselves or each other. Instead things are hidden, ignored and forgotten hoping that it would never be brought up. It’s our system, it always worked but maybe this one time it might make things worst. They all ask what is wrong? How do i feel? Are you ok? If I actually knew the answer then I would reply so my answers of course are “Don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter. i feel nothing i guess. I’m not ok but that’s not important right now”. With what is at hand I do not matter and caring towards me is quite slim. So many questions being asked as if I even know what is going on to begin with when I am not controling this flight. I still refuse to enter any thoughts, I’ve ignored them for so long for a reason that I don’t want to let them back in and deal with them. There are more important things than to be worrying about no feelings. One thing I can’t even mention is why I am even doing that. The reason is inconspicuous. The fact of the matter is everything has suddenly changed and without a choice I gotta live with it without even having much of a say. That being said all I can do is go with the flow and hope what I strive for becomes a completed goal. Thank you dear friend for helping me come to this realization. I now know the truth and maybe confessions are now due.

Everybody deals with things differently. Some fix things especially if it's important to them. Some wing it hoping all goes well. Some will completely avoid it as if nothing is even happening. Some just don't care. Some come up with motives to draw conclusions but have an alternate or "real" motive for their conclusions. Then you have some that just go with flow. In summary some have a heart and use it while others have but don't even remember that's what keeps them alive daily (don't use it). Just think about it

Me

So I'm scrolling on twitter and some girl said "I over think too much" and this is after I tweeted about thinking something I shouldn't have thought but it was because I over thought. Thing is I don't think anyone really over thinks. The way I see it is sometimes people put one into the position to think the most outrageous things due to how they treat them or even maybe something they said just got the brain thinking every single thing for absolutely no reason. It doesn't even matter how much you actually care either, something will trigger your thinking at some point. It actually doesn't take much. The sad thing is nobody can control this. For those who can flip the switch, you may be able to avoid it now but like I said before, something will trigger it and you're back at square one. This is probably not the best way to deal with it but if I don't feel like flipping the switch to avoid it, I face it. I face the facts or the possible facts but one thing I never do is bring those thoughts to light to either the situation or to the person unless there is absoloute proof that my thoughts could be as accurate and they appeared to be.  One does not simply over-think. There is something that pushes one to think or to just ponder on something and come up with outcomes, consequences, solutions, facts, lies, etc. No no, there was either something that was said or done to allow one to sit down and think all possible thoughts.

I may have said many things and in all truth it was only because there were times you made us seem like it was more a bother than anything else and times you provoked my insecurities I guess it was an accident but these made me want to challenge your feelings. Why? I don't know I guess I was just an asshole those moments and I do apologize for each one. One thing I always say and it was the main foundation, in my opinion, for us! I just wanted our friendship in our relationship. I wrote about this long ago expressing I wanted to you to be comfortable with me, trust me and just be happy! The last thing I wanted was for you to feel bounded but I wanted you to know I will always be around. Your happiness always motivated me and made me comfortable with you because I know that I can actually do that, make you happy. Now we are at this crossroad with a conclusion or ending if you will of something that neither of us was even looking towards much less be ready for. Still stuck at this crossroad with two paths; "continue" & "the end". I stand here waiting for you to take my hand and walk with me on either path because having you in my life was a goal. I'm happy to say that I've achieved that one for sure. Right now, I wait to see what you want. What you really want.

Things happen and trust me we can't change it. Some will say your opinion matters but ignore it anyways while others will take into consideration what you have said. Some will look you in the eye, claim honesty but literally lie to you but of course you can tell it's a lie but will you debate or fight it out, nope. Why bother? Some will state things pretending it's logical even though they know it's not but hey what is the truth when you can shun it with a lie hoping that can replace the truth and become exactly that...the truth. It is said that when you say one thing so much you slowly believe it because you practiced that is what it truly is even if it actually isn't. You see I am an honest person, I don't got the time for those walk around the park conversations or that travel around the world "points". If you say one thing today then switch it up tomorrow then most definitely something is wrong and whatever the REAL reason is, is being avoided for whatever reason. Am I hurt? Yeah but not for the reason that one may think. I am hurt because something is up and not being shared. Don't hide things from me and expect me to be all "hey how you doing?". For all I know this has happened because of them "experiences" you want so bad..well now you got them. I won't fuss or fight though but not because of the assumption that I don't care because I do especially if you're special to me. I won't because if you want to keep basing something so important off of confusion instead of surety then you're not even going to consider anything I have to say, then I see no point in feeling a certain type of way towards this "conclusion" because the matter of the fact is, you don't even want what you decided. You think you do. So you can think everything you want and keep seeking reasons for executed actions but something still does not add up. Probably never will. Just make sure of one thing...that you are happy or happier now because when regret hits...poor you.

Me