May 22
Me vs. whatever fucking goblin won't let me write (also me).
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Me vs. whatever fucking goblin won't let me write (also me).
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how the fuck does "you kiss by th'book" lead to the conflict in act 3 scene 1
Excuse me! Attention! Ahem! I draino-ed the shit out of the bathroom sink and deep cleaned the whole vanity and drawers. Behold!
I got a new mattress pad. Will i put it on my bed tonight. Not sure.
I didn’t do any work today. I fucking hate myself
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I just need to vent into the void...
So, I'm pretty sure my mental health is in the garbage, though personally I'll tell you it never left the garbage in the first place... to be fair I'm very bad at judging my own mental state cause I very much end up in the thought process of, "nothing is wrong, I'm just bad at everything." Granted, I know that I have ADHD and Anxiety. I know that I might have another undiagnosed issue, most probably depression, or it might just be the ADHD or Anxiety mimicking depressive symptoms? I mean, I'm not suicidal or anything? (At least I don't think so?) But I kinda wish I could stop existing sometimes? But mostly I just feel detached and often it's hard to get myself to do things that I need to that isn't like, work. Literally EVERYTHING else is a struggle... I wanna apply to the Graduate school program I found that's essentially EXACTLY what I want in a program, but I'm so convinced that I won't make it in that I get anxious just thinking about logging onto the site that I end up not even opening my laptop to try. Which just makes me feel worse. I honestly really just wanna cry but I can't even let myself do that. I've got no interest in anything and any time I do find a hyperfixation that can provide me some serotonin or whatever, I'm still left in the same spot I started fairly quickly. I'm also probably touch starved so like, add that cherry on top? I just. I dont know how to move forward to overcome this. Everything just feels so overwhelming that I just, do nothing. And I know I should start by breaking the big things down into smaller things to do, but I can't even find the energy to do that much... I feel like a child who needs someone to hold their hand to do anything productive and I hate it because I'm supposed to be able to do it by myself! Or at least some of it? I just feel trapped. Stuck. I just, can't see how to get to where I wanna be, it just seems so impossible?
Was this executive dysfunction or I ran out of spoons or what? I had a slightly busy morning (had to exchange my lawnmower, then I mowed my lawn, then went grocery shopping.) When I got back from the grocery store, I had to rearrange a shelf in my freezer to fit some things in. When that was done, I suddenly felt I couldn't do anything else. I had to sit down on the floor right in front of the fridge where I was standing, and I couldn't do anything for about 10-15 minutes. It was horrible because I had other groceries to put away but I just couldn't do anything? After a little while I was able to put the rest of the groceries away but I had to really push myself and spent the next two hours barely moving even though had tons more things I wanted to do today. Anybody else experience things like this? What was it?
Bathroom. I am going to clean the bathroom. Because I am a capable adult who should do regular maintenance on her apartment. I am fully capable of cleaning a bathroom. I will clean the bathroom.