Top Posts Tagged with #ewvanda angst

If I Should Fall Behind

Avanda closed her eyes, thankful to finally be away from the crew for a while. She was beyond excited to finally be home again, to be around them; but she still wasn't quite ready to be as…..touchy- as they wanted to be.

Caelum kept hugging her from behind and resting his chin on her head; an old habit he'd started as soon as he had passed her in height, and she was still ducking out of his arms and trying to hide how badly she was shaking. Thane kept lying down and resting his head in her lap, and she was always making excuses to get up. Nyar kept clapping her on the shoulder, a hand gently gripping the space where her neck and shoulder met and she kept freezing. Eyes cast down and hands clasped together as the conditioning and memories took over while she stood there silently crying.

It was Ewan she felt the worst for though. Her touchy boyfriend had gotten a tight hug, the kind where neither of them wanted to let go, when she first got home. But after that she'd withdrawn again. She hated herself for it more and more everyday. She could see the hurt in his eyes as she forced a smile at him when he put his arm around her in public, just like she could see the pain from all of her crewmates when she shied away from them.

She hated herself, but she couldn't help it. The last time someone had laid hands on her, it had been Sevoc. His hands around her throat until her vision had fogged and she'd collapsed, unconscious, to the floor of her cell after a beating. And after 3 months living with a touch averse smuggler….she was severely touch starved. But that didn't change the fact that anytime someone touched her, she wanted to cry. Her skin crawled whenever someone brushed by her; but it burned with that familiar ache that told her it had been too long since she'd let her guard down.

#ewvanda insp #ewan insp #avanda insp #ewvanda angst #ewvanda fluff #ptsd #whumpee!avanda #caretaker!ewan #ask to tag #hurt/comfort

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Quick (and honest) raise of hands

Hey @my renegade archangel peeps! I know my updates are pretty few and far between, but I do want to write stories and excerpts that you enjoy. I know that all I've been posting lately is Ewan+Avanda stuff, but that's mostly just because that's what I'm motivated to write. What is your honest opinion on those pieces? Should I just assume that I'm the only one who really enjoys that and use them as warm ups that don't get posted? I won't stop writing completely, I just want to know where I should be spending my energy!

(Also I do have a platonic Thane+Avanda bit that hopefully I will post in the next few days, so don't dispair!)

#my ocs stuff #my oc's #ewan+avanda #ewvanda fluff #ewvanda angst #ewvanda inspo #ewvanda #scribbles to feed the void

Lost

Ok. I’ve been sitting on this for long enough...2430 words of angsty sadness. I’ll put warnings in the tags as well, but it does deal with the loss of a pregnancy, so please be careful if that may trigger you. (We do get to see some Brotp Bonding though, so I mean there is that at least.) modern au

“Whoa, hey now,” Thane said as he crouched down on the ground next to Avanda, “Crying on the floor in the storage closet is kinda my gig. Not gonna lie, Av, you’re kinda stepping on my toes here.”

Avanda sniffed loudly and wiped her eyes. “Sorry. I’ll be out in a minute. Do they need me in the hospital?”

“No, I came looking for you myself.” Thane said as he reached out, laying a hand on her shoulder. “You seemed off earlier, I wanted to make sure you’re ok.”

Avanda forced a laugh. “I’m fine.”

“No, you aren’t. What’s going on?”

Avanda shook her head, smoothing out the fabric of her shirt. “Nothing. It’s nothing, really.”

“That may just be the biggest lie you’ve ever told me.” Thane said, shifting into a more comfortable position, “Now c’mon. You’ve been acting weird all night; I haven’t even seen you drink a cup of coffee, what’s going on?”

“You can’t tell anyone.”

Thane smiled a little. “Hey, I’ve kept your secrets before. What’s one more?”

#tw miscarriage #tw lost pregnancy #miscarrige #lost pregnancy #angst #ewvanda angst #ewan insp #avanda insp #thane insp #otp: red is the rose #brotp: avanda and thane right there #I have been sitting on this for almost a month #idk why I decided that NOW was the time to post this but here it is #I may do taglist tomorrow #and i'll try to write some fluff tomorrow too bc damn they deserve it don't they?

Red is The Rose

Ewan couldn’t remember the last time that he had slept. He had tried, of course, but he hadn’t been able to at all. Every time he climbed into bed, he was reminded of how empty it was. Of how cold it was. Of how it had felt when she was there. It had been close to a month since Nyar had told him about Avanda’s disappearance, and he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about where she was since then. He refused to accept that she was dead. She couldn’t be. And there was no way that she had betrayed them. So he had spent every waking hour thinking about her, obsessing over where she could have vanished to.

He sat up on the edge on his bed and sighed, running a hand through his hair. It had been a month, and no one could find her. Her father had sent search parties to every corner of the galaxy, but they had returned with nothing. He had volunteered to lead searches himself, but King Alistairion had always refused him, giving him reasons why he needed him to stay.

“The guard is weak enough, I can’t send one of my best away when home needs to be defended.”

“You’re a brilliant strategist. I need you here.”

“Your duties here are too important. I need you here.”

It had been today that had broken Ewan when he begged again to search for the King’s daughter, tears barely restrained. The king had turned his own eyes to the boy, sad and deep with regret.

“Your brothers have lost so much already. I can’t ask your family to sacrifice anymore.”

Ewan stood, shaking his head and walking to the window, staring at the stars. Who knew how many of them lay between him and his love? A memory stirred of a song that she had sung softly to herself as she went about the house and her day, hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. The words seemed to fall from his lips on their own, without his consent.

“Come over the hills, My bonnie Irish lass; Come over the hills to your darling; you choose the road, love, and I’ll make the vow; and I’ll be your true love forever.”

Avanda shivered in the corner of the cell that she had been left in. Her head ached and her mind had begun to spiral. It was cold, and empty, and silent. She couldn’t stop her mind, as badly as she wanted to. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw Nyar telling her to run. Every time she breathed, she remembered how hard she and Thane had laughed the last time they had been together. Every time she stretched, she could see Jalev climbing a tree, or Carina sprawled in the grass watching the clouds, and it hurt.

But even worse was when she tried to sleep.

Because when she slept, she dreamed.

And every time she dreamed, it was of him.

Dreaming was worse than being awake. Awake, she was here; cold and miserable. Hungry and scared. But dreaming was worse.They were vivid and realistic and painful. She could feel his arms around her. She could smell the forest on his skin when he came home from hunting. She could see the stars in his eyes, she could--

“No,” She sobbed, rubbing the heel of her palm into her eyes until she saw stars. She couldn’t do this again. She wasn’t strong enough now. Her teeth chattered and she tried desperately to distract herself.

“Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows; fair is the lily of the valley, clear is the water that flows from the Boyne; but my love is fairer than any.”

Ewan shouldered his quiver with a sigh. Hunting was getting harder, now that the seasons were changing. The larger game were beginning to migrate now, and the smaller game wasn’t going to feed the family for long. Fishing was fine, but as the water in the river got colder, even they were harder to catch. He scowled as his boots crunched the brittle brown leaves underfoot, the frost stiffening them even more. He froze with his foot resting on the trunk of the tree that stretched across the river. His shoulders sank as he recalled the night that he had led Avanda here.

He could still see the stars in her eyes and the moonlight as it danced across her skin. He could feel her hair tangled around his finger. He could still taste her smile.

‘Twas down by Kilarney’s green woods that we strayed; When the moon and the stars they were shining; The moon shone its rays on her locks of golden hair; And she swore she’d be my love forever.

The songs had become everything to her now. They always had been though, hadn’t they? When she was a child and they had stolen her memories, she had clung to her lullaby. The words had been the only ones in her native tounge that she had known. Their meaning had been lost, maybe. But the familiarity hadn’t been. They had been her anchor then, just as they were now. At least now there were more songs. There were more words now to rattle around her mind, loosening memories and soothing and healing the wounds that her captors had inflicted.

“Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows; fair is the lily of the valley, clear is the water, that flows from th Boyne, but my love is fairer than any.”

Ewan had never felt loss like this. He had been a boy when his father died, but he could still remember it in vivid detail. The passing of his mother had come a year later, leaving him and his twin to care for an infant and a toddler. He had grieved, and it had taken years for him to accept that his parents were gone. There had been a time that he had even resented them for it. But this wasn’t the same at all. It was worse, it was stronger.

It filled every waking hour with a terrible sting, reminding him that he should have been with her. It kept him awake, whispering that he had failed her, just as his father had.

Besides, every day without her was just a bitter reminder that she was gone. He had thought that he missed her when she left for the mission. He had thought that his heart had ached when he heard her voice on the radio, filled with static as she gave a report across the galaxy. But that ache was nothing compared to this pain. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see her again. He prayed every night that the next morning would bring some scrap of news, some hint that perhaps there was a new place to search for her. But each sunrise brought nothing more than bitter disappointment.

He had never felt a loss like this. And as time went by, he was beginning to think that it was all he would ever feel, the rest of his life.

It’s not for the parting that my sister pains;It’s not for the grief of my mother; ‘Tis all for the loos of my Bonnie Irish lass; That my heart is breaking forever.

#my writing #avanda inspo #avanda alistairion #ewan inspo #ewan macclyde #ewan #angsty #angst #renegade archangels #ewvanda #ewvanda inspo #ewvanda angst