#miscarrige

   Avanda took a deep, shaky breath and nodded a little. “I was...late,” she started, “Like...two weeks late. So I took a test, and it came back positive.” She laughed bitterly, “I was so excited I took three more, just to be sure, and they all came back the same. So I waited a while, ya know, trying to figure out how to tell Ewan, and then today...I was going to tell him tomorrow...when he got home from work, but today…”

   Thane’s face was a mask of concern as his hand rubbed up and down Avanda’s arm as she cried now, trying not to tear up himself as he connected the dots of her fragmented story.

   “I had cramps in my back all day, and I felt tired, and-and I went to the bathroom, and there was blood, there was a lot of blood, Thane...And now, I have no idea if the tests were just....wrong,...or if...if I......lost…..” Her hand came up to her face now, covering her mouth as she started sobbing again.

   Thane pulled her into a hug, running his hand over her braid. “Oh Av. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He murmured. “Is there any chance…?”

   Avanda shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

   “God, Av.” He pressed his cheek to her hair and sighed. “I’m so so sorry. Does anyone else know?”

   She shook her head, “I wanted to tell Ewan before I told anyone else. Just me and my doctor, and you.”

   Thane nodded. At least people won’t be asking...He didn’t say it out loud. But it was a small comfort, at least. “You should go to your doctor, though. I mean, maybe…”

   “Yeah.” Avanda hiccupped, “I’ll give her a call. I’ve gotta go clean myself up…”

   Thane stood up, taking her hand and helping her to her feet as well. “It’s--” He stopped, deciding that some phrases were better left unsaid during times like these, even if they were the only words you knew to say. So instead he told her: “I love you, Avocado. And I’ll be here for you, ok?”

   Avanda sighed and wiped her eyes again. “Yeah...yeah, thanks Thane.”

********

   Thane found Avanda in the small break room an hour later, her head resting on the table, her hands clasped under her chin.

   “I haven’t seen you sit like that since we were studying for finals and you were trying not to fall asleep while Carina made flash cards.” He teased gently, setting the Styrofoam cup down in front of her. “Decaf.” He said with a small nod to the cup as she sat up. “Just in case.”

   “Thanks.” Her voice was like sandpaper as she wrapped her hands around it, not moving to drink it.

   Thane glanced out the door quickly to make sure no one was walking by that might overhear them. “Did you call your doctor?”

   Avanda nodded a little. “I have an appointment at 9:30. First one of the day.”

   Thane nodded, taking a sip of his own coffee. “Do you want me to drive you in?” He finally asked.

   “Yes please.”

   He smiled at her and nodded. “I’ll see you at nine, then.”

   “Thank you.”

********

   Thane’s leg bounced a little as he sat in the waiting room with Avanda. He’d asked if she wanted him to wait with her, or if he should stay in the car. He didn’t want her to feel like he was hounding her, but he didn’t want her to feel like he was abandoning her, either. He had been relieved when she had asked him to come in with her.

   She looked a mess, if he was being honest. Her flannel was buttoned crooked, and her braid was frayed. She had opted to wear her glasses instead of her contacts, which was a first in a long time. Even on days when she had a migraine she still put her contacts in, claiming that they were more comfortable.

   He squeezed her hand a little as the door opened, a nurse popping her head out and calling Avanda’s name.

   “Come with me, please.” She said, looking at him before she stood. “Please, I don’t think I can do this alone.”

   Thane nodded and stood up with her, still holding her hand. “Of course.”

   They followed the nurse to the exam room, and he waited outside while Avanda changed into a gown. She opened the door and he stepped in, returning to his post at her side as she sat down on the exam table.

   “It’s gonna be ok, Av.” He whispered. “God, I’m sorry. I know it’s- that’s gotta sound really insensitive, huh? Like, how would I know? I just meant--we’ll get you through this.”

   “Thank you.” She squeezed his hand a little. “I knew what you meant.”

   “Good morning.” The doctor stepped into the room, a professional smile on her face. “You must be the father.” She reached a hand out for Thane to shake.

   “Oh, uh no. No, I’m the uncle actually.” He said, shaking her hand. “Thane.”

   “I see.” The doctor nodded to him a little before turning to Avanda. “And how are you feeling this morning?” She asked.

   Avanda sighed. “Achy and tired. And I had a low-grade fever this morning before I left home.”

   The doctor nodded before taking a seat next to Avanda and setting up some things that Thane couldn’t quite make sense of. “We’re going to start by taking some blood, send it to the lab for them to look at, and then we’ll do an ultrasound and see what’s going on, alright?”

   “Alright.” Avanda’s voice was small as she laid her head back on the pillow, her hand shaking in Thane’s grip.

   Thane smiled at her as she turned her head away from the doctor, her eyes screwed shut as the needles came out.

   “Hey, remember that time Ny tried to do a blood draw on you?” He asked, trying to distract her a little, “I can’t believe Cael and I were able to hold you down.”

   She gritted her teeth a little and winced as the doctor pricked her arm.

   “You’re doing good. She’s only taking a little.”

   Avanda nodded. “I know.”

   “All done.” The doctor said with a forced cheerfulness. “That wasn’t so bad, now was it?”

   Avanda said nothing, her head turning back to the doctor.

   The room fell rather silent as she set up for the ultrasound. Thane watched the screen with Avanda, eyes glued to the black and white on it, hoping and praying for news to be good.

   “Well?” Avanda finally asked.

   “Well,” The doctor said slowly, “It’s...not looking hopeful right now.” She admitted. “There are one or two more things I want to look at first though, before I make an official diagnosis…”

********

   “You won’t tell him?”

   Thane looked up at Avanda now. She had cried the whole way home, and upon their return to the apartment she shared with Ewan, had locked herself in the bathroom for about two hours. Thane had taken to stress baking, making enough cookies to feed the Renegades until the war was won. Avanda stood before him now, her hair unbraided and wild around her tear-stained face.

   “Of course not.” Thane said, drying his hands on the dish towel he’d thrown over his shoulder. “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

   “Thank you Thane. For everything, really. I just…” She sank into the chair at the table, and he slid the plate of cookies over to her.

   “The doctor said she wants to see you again on Friday,” Thane said hopefully, “There’s a chance…” He trailed off as Avanda shook her head.

   “I don’t think there is. I think she was just trying to give me hope.”

   They were silent for a long time, both of them picking at the table a little.

   “Will you tell him?” Thane finally asked.

   Avanda sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t know if I should. I just...I don’t want him to hurt as badly as I am.”

   “He would want to help you.”

   “I know. But...why bring him the pain just so that I don’t have to carry it alone?”

   “So that you don’t have to carry it alone.” Thane said, “You shouldn’t have to, Av. You two are in this together. You always have been. Let him help you.”

   “I don’t know if I can. Maybe if I get good news on Friday…”

   Thane sighed. “Do you want my opinion?”

   “We both know you’re going to give it to me whether I want to hear it or not.” Avanda scoffed, crossing her arms. “May as well spit it out.”

   “I think you should tell him. I think you should tell him, and should let him go with you on Friday. If you get good news, then awesome. You’ll be far enough along that you should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and he’ll get to hear it with you. If you get bad news? Well then he’ll be there to hold you and to sit with you through that too.” Thane leaned forward, taking her hands in his. “If you are making a new life with him, I think that he should get to be here with you through the good and bad and all in between.”

   Avanda nodded a little. “I suppose you’re right.” She whispered. “I just...I don’t want him to mourn what he didn’t even know he had.”

   “But doesn’t he deserve that right?” Thane asked.

   “I suppose so.”

   “I love you, Av. And I know you’re going to make it through this. I just hope that you don’t feel like you have to make it through this alone.”

********

   Avanda fidgeted with the sleeve on her flannel. “Ewan...Love, we need to talk about something.”

   Ewan looked up at her, eyes quizzical. “Of course, Lass. What is it?”

   “I, uh…we…” She laughed a little, feeling the tears start. “I can’t do this. Here.” She pulled out the box, and offered it to him.

   Ewan frowned a little. “What’s this?”    “Just...open it.” Her stomach was tied in knots. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, this was wrong. She had put the tests in there, expecting him to be happy when he opened the box, and to stay happy. He wasn’t supposed to open it and smile, only for her to drop a bombshell on him before he even really knew what was happening. She couldn’t watch as he pulled the lid off and removed the four positive pregnancy tests. She couldn’t watch as he started smiling, laughing a little as the meaning sank in.

   “Av, are you serious? Really? Are you--” He frowned as he looked up at her, seeing the tears streaming silently down her face. “Are you crying? Babe are you crying?” He stood up, walking over to her as she nodded. He laughed a little. “Sweetheart, why are you crying?”

   “Because that’s not all.” Avanda pulled away from him, “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, I’m sorry.” She sighed, wiping tears away again. “I think...I was going to tell you sooner; but then something happened, and I think...I think I lost the baby.” She stared at the floor as she whispered the words, speaking them for the first time.

   Ewan was silent, digesting the information. “Have. Have you seen a doctor yet? Do you know for sure?” His voice was tight and she could tell he was trying to hold himself together.

   “I went to the doctor. She said that she wanted to see me again on Friday. She couldn’t ...say for sure.”

   “What time is your appointment?”

   “11:45.”

   “Can I come with you? I'll leave work, I'll come meet you at the doctor's office.”

   Avanda nodded.

   Ewan pulled her into his arms, resting his chin on her head as he held her.

   “I don’t think we’re going to get good news.” She said, her arms wrapping around his waist. “I don’t- I’m sorry.”

   “You have nothing to be sorry for.” Ewan said, kissing her hair. “Nothing.”

   “I should have told you-”

   “Stop.” Ewan said softly, shaking his head, “Just, stop. You didn’t do anything wrong in any of this. That’s not how this works. I love you, and I’m going to stay right here with you, the whole time. And if we don’t get good news on Friday, then so be it. I’ll still be right here with you.”

   Avanda said nothing. She just stood there, crying. He was the only reason she was still standing. Her legs had given out a while ago now, leaving her leaning against him. He didn’t waver as he held her.

   “And if we do get good news on Friday,” He said as he ran his fingers through her hair, “Then you and I are going to be in for one hell of an adventure, Lass."

********

            Ewan squeezed her hand tightly as they waited for the doctor to say something, anything.

           "Well?"

           "I'm very sorry, Miss Alistarion."

            Ewan let go of her hand, pulling her into his arms as tightly as he could as she wailed, her hands scrabbling against his bullet proof vest.