#evolutionofemotions

I trust myself, And that's all I need. My judgments, My acceptance, My intuition. I know who I am, And I know what I need, Only I can stand in my way.

Standing tall in my journey, Standing alone in my journey, Standing vulnerable in my journey, I have to remain strong. People stare, People talk, People project their fears.

Wavering thoughts, Wavering concerns, Wavering judgments, Uncertainty trickles in, Doubt steps in, Fear sets in.

No. I can't listen to them, I can't take on their fears, I can't take on their limiting belief system, I won't do what is expected of me, I won't be a product of the system, I won't give up on my dreams.

My body knows that I need different, My body knows that I deserve different, My body knows that life can be different. I've been sent all the signs, I've been sent all the synchronicity, I've been sent all the green lights. Just trust. Trust that I do know what's best, Trust that I do know what I need, Trust that I can achieve something different.

They got it, 

So why can't I?

How come they automatically get it?

And I have to work so hard for mine.

They just did that one thing,

And all that opportunity came their way,

What about me?

I sit here struggling.

Fighting for pennies,

Fighting to be heard,

Fighting for peace,

And alI I seem to get is brick walls and resistance.

I don't want to be them,

I don't actually like them,

I don't actually want their lives.

But I want the same opportunities,

I want those doors to open for me,

I want that ease that I witness in them.

I hate my life.

I openly reject it.

Victimising myself to anyone who will listen,

Playing the blame game to deflect my ownership,

Proudly accepting sympathy for my shortcomings,

I have dug this ugly, defensive hole that I sit in. 

But the truth is,

That we are all blessed in our own way,

We all have experiences in good & bad,

We all  have moments of right and wrong,

We all have ways of not seeing the positives over the negatives.

What is one's person ease,

Is the other persons hardship,

What one person's hard work,

Is another person's cup of tea,

What is your walk in the park,

Is another person's walk through the trenches.

We all have our own struggles,

We all have our own point of pain,

This is just mine,

And I'm sure you have yours,

We are not any better than each other,

We are all just humans having our own human experience.

Envy is a bitch.

A cruel deadly sin that lurks within,

Eating away at our love for each other, 

Creating barriers of the haves and have nots, 

Identifying where we hold lack inside.

But envy can also be a catalyst for change.

Creating inspiration,

Evoking aspiration,

Driving up our determination,

Making us want it more.

What is their victory,

Is also my possibilities,

If they can do it,

So can I.

They got it with such ease,

Imagine what I'll receive if I actually try?

I put my all into it,

Bending backwards,

Beg, borrow & steal,

Determined to claim what is mine.

I achieve my goal, 

I receive my glory,

I stand tall in my victory,

The evidence of all my hard work.

But soon that day will come,

Where others will see my success,

Oblivious to my journey,

Unaware of my set-backs,

Unconscious of my struggles.

Where is mine, they will say?

When do I get my chance?

How come they got it so easily?

And the truth is that,

What goes around comes around, 

The endless cycle of the human condition.

We notice the similar tone,

We witness the familiar themes,

Held in my lungs, Protecting my heart, Smothering my heart, Wearing this coat of grief.

Can't break free, Can't see the light, Can't see past the hurt, Blinded by the grief.

Everything hurts, Everything is dark, Everything feels doomed, Overwhelmed by the grief.

With time, With forgiveness, With hindsight, Grief loosen its grip.

New stories, New happiness, New adventures, Grief slowly slips away.

I got this. I know who I am, And I know what I want, You can no longer hinder me, Or stunt my growth.

I believe in myself, And what I have to offer this world. My heart is pure, And it is ready to serve.

Stop it with your assumptions, Stop it with your expectations, Stop it with your judgements, I am no longer a prisoner to your ideals.

I am me, In all my glory, Powerful & courageous, Ready to step into my potential, Ready to conquer the world.

So are you coming to support me? Or will you be left behind? Cause I ain't taking no prisoners, And I'm definitely not taking any haters.

Born. Born into this world as a perfect blank canvas. No identity, No judgments, No expectations, No fears. We open our eyes, We take our first breath, We start to take in the world around us. They give us a name, They give us a label, They start to influence who they want us to be, They start to influence us to how they expect us to be. 'So pretty, she's going to be a heart breaker', 'So tall, there going to be a basketballer', 'So stubborn, they're going to be hard work'.

We watch, We listen, We absorb all the actions around us, We absorb all the conditioning around us. Gender dynamics, Power dynamics, Emotional reactivity, Inherited pain, hurt & trauma Inherited hardship, struggle & privilege, Victim hood, fears, biases, Expectations, limitations, judgements, Like a sponge we absorb it all. Our blank canvas is now painted with all our exterior influences. Some positive, Some negative, Some that don't even make sense to us. But we accept them because everyone else tells us to, We accept them because we want to feel normal, We accept them because we want to fit in.

An identity starts to emerge, One that is made up of our parents traits, One that is made up of our cultural expectations, One that is made up of the limitations presented to us, An identity that allows us to be liked, An identity that allows us to be accepted, An identity that allows us to feel safe, An identity that is so far removed from that once blank canvas of endless possibilities we once were.

Stop running.

Stop running away from yourself,

Stand still and look around.

You are safe,

You are safe to be yourself.

Relax,

No, truly relax.

You don't have to be anyone else,

You don't have to prove anything else,

Just be you,

Just be you, in all your unique self.

Laugh, cry and create.

Buy the furniture you want,

Buy the colours that you need,

You don't need anyone else's approval, but your own.

You are brilliant,

Just the way you are,

Never change,

Just be you.

Love yourself,

No, truly love yourself,

You don't need anyone else to love you,

Except for yourself.

You are the only one who needs to accept you,

You are the only one that can make yourself feel wanted,

You are the only one that can make yourself feel appreciated,

Stop looking outside for approval,

You are perfect just the way you are.

Just let go.

Truly make the decision to commit to letting go.

The quicker you can be yourself,

The quicker the things that align to you can present themselves.

Because they are all waiting for you,

Career,

Friendships,

Relationships,

Wealth,

Ease.

Just waiting for you to step up onto their level,

To meet them face to face,

To grab them with both arms.

You've got this.

Because really, it was all designed for you,

No one else has access to it,

Only you can unlock this,

So stop being someone else,

And just be you.

It’s your time.

Get what you deserve,

Get what was created for you

Because this abundance is your birthright,

Alert,

Bright,

Enthusiastic,

It's how I always start my day.

Childlike wonder,

Fresh new beginnings,

Bright eyed enthusiasm,

Reckless abandonment of the day I left behind.

Fresh page,

Blank Canvas,

New spark,

The day is mine for creating.

So what will I create today?

New hope, desires and virtue?

Or repeat yesterday's misery and defeat?

The choice is mine to design.

Choice is the deciding factor.

How I choose to see my options,

I can choose to dwell in the negative,

Or choose only that which feels delicious.

I have all the tools I need,

I have all the direction I see,

I have all the determination I desire,

Only I can get in my way.

I can't live in the past,

And yet the future does not exist,

Let’s stay in the present.

I wake up every morning, Filled with life, Flowing with vigor, Beaming with enthusiasm.

The day is here for me to create, A total blank canvas for my own creation, An open page of endless possibilities, Just ready for me to make the first move.

I could… Paint a self portrait, Design a new dance step, Model something out of clay, Write love letters to myself, Endless energy for creative play.

But first, let's get the basics out the way, Breakfast, cup of tea and news, Teeth, poop then shower, Some light housework and errands, Decide what to cook for dinner.

I do a quick run to the supermarket, Pick up some lunch on the way home, Put on that load of washing, Send that email I need to write, And get my dinner prep done.

Exhausted by all this running around, I need to recharge. Brew a quick cuppa, Put my feet up to rest, Take a quick 10min power nap, And then the day is mine to create.

…What was I going to do again? Oh yes, spontaneous day of creation, Harness my relentless optimism of the day, Surrender to the flow of magical possibilities, Channel it into active, positive modes of creation.

But the time in my day is getting limited, Enthusiasm is starting to wane, And my momentum is being lost. I start to think about all the mess, And the thought of cleaning it up.

….All my creative enthusiasm is gone. Silenced by my default daily activities, Routine and discipline are my trauma response, Fear of being judged and as labelled lazy, Pleasure and creativity gets lost along the way.

I get stuck in my need to present perfectly, Making sure everything is in order before I can start my day, Chores before play, Hard Work before reward, Vegetables before dessert, I am pre-programmed that enjoyment is a bargaining chip.

But that rule is a silly made up illusion, A trauma response inherited from our parents. Humans are naturally creative beings, Creativity, joy and play are our default, Our true catalyst for feeling alive.

Life in its beauty is all about creation, It flows through our veins as magic, Unable to be captured or stored, It needs to be embraced in the moment, Regardless if your bed has been made or not.

Creation is something I have to commit myself to, A nourishing practice that fulfils my soul, A rejuvenating outlet that brings me back to life, A daily non-negotiable for my well being, A purpose greater than working the 9 to 5.