#self reflective

Born. Born into this world as a perfect blank canvas. No identity, No judgments, No expectations, No fears. We open our eyes, We take our first breath, We start to take in the world around us. They give us a name, They give us a label, They start to influence who they want us to be, They start to influence us to how they expect us to be. 'So pretty, she's going to be a heart breaker', 'So tall, there going to be a basketballer', 'So stubborn, they're going to be hard work'.

We watch, We listen, We absorb all the actions around us, We absorb all the conditioning around us. Gender dynamics, Power dynamics, Emotional reactivity, Inherited pain, hurt & trauma Inherited hardship, struggle & privilege, Victim hood, fears, biases, Expectations, limitations, judgements, Like a sponge we absorb it all. Our blank canvas is now painted with all our exterior influences. Some positive, Some negative, Some that don't even make sense to us. But we accept them because everyone else tells us to, We accept them because we want to feel normal, We accept them because we want to fit in.

An identity starts to emerge, One that is made up of our parents traits, One that is made up of our cultural expectations, One that is made up of the limitations presented to us, An identity that allows us to be liked, An identity that allows us to be accepted, An identity that allows us to feel safe, An identity that is so far removed from that once blank canvas of endless possibilities we once were.

Suppressing your emotions because you don't want to upset people or draw attention to yourself is only hurting you in the long run.

Crying in class is not normal! And you should not feel as if there's no other way.

People like you more than you think and you have more value than you think.

Being sad doesn't make you more mature than other kids.

Listening to depressing music that makes you feel like you've got a bag of bricks on top of your chest isn't cool.

You don't need to feel everyone else's pain for them. You're not selfish for trying to be happy.

Do stuff that makes you happy not things you feel obligated to do.

When you realize you love yourself, even in the times when you feel betrayed, not good enough, incompleted in your story with them.

When your self love makes you realize you did not betray yourself or them, that you are good enough for the right person, and that person is yourself, that your story is not complete, and they do not have to be in it for it to be beautiful.

Did you really think your life would be fulfilled through only helping people? Did you think something as generic as that would lead to a wonderful life? You were too naive, too young, too optimistic. You didn't know what was coming, but you never really planned for your future.

This weekend is the Orionid Meteor Shower, so I went outside for a little while to watch the show. I only saw one, since it’s not quite peak and I have to work in the morning, but I had a little spark of inspiration.

Some nights are better than others, but I can usually see the Milky Way, and tonight was perfectly clear. Do you ever just look up at the stars and want to cry? 

When things go to shit, I tend to just reflect for a bit. I think that's normal for any person, but as I working on this costume for Juri, I was honestly thinking about not just how bad Twitter is now, but also how much work I have ahead of me in terms of actually wanting to make good money from this.

The image above does indeed look like an oversized diaper stuck onto an older woman, but the thing here, it took me 5 years to make clothes for characters at all. I wasn't trying to progress at a rate where the industry couldn't ignore me, particularly in animation. However, as they say in this business, it's not what you know, it's who you know, and thanks to the pandemic, who I knew was nobody. As of right now I'm working for my dad, and am in the process of applying for work moving office furniture, while I try and squeeze in animating hot girls doing big kicks so I can push toward animating for games someday. At least I hope so.

I had no choice in going to uni, but I don't regret it at all honestly, there were other things I needed to learn, like any form of IRL social skills, and meeting different people, something I couldn't do where I lived in London. And it also helps that the image is a big result of that, helping me to even realise any of the insane ideas in my head. From action to romance, it's all up there atm. And one day I hope to live with my heart on my sleeve, not hiding who I am at all, as right now, with the family I'm in, I don't think I can do that.