#entry 001

Date of Writing: 25-26/12/2020

Entry Name: Reflections on Yule

Although I’m writing this on Christmas day, I would actually like to reflect on the 23rd of December. Last year I did not get the chance to celebrate my first Yule properly, so this year I was determined to make it count. I asked a trusted friend of mine if she wanted to join me in doing something to celebrate Yule. She isn’t Pagan herself, but she accepted my invitation. 

On the 21st proper I had a day off, so I stayed home and baked some cookies :) I really had fun and for my first time baking and they turned out really good...my family and friends really enjoyed them. Even though I don’t consider it an “actual” celebration - ie. I didn’t plan on doing that, I still very much felt the Yuletide spirit. Making sweet treats to be enjoyed by a fire with a nice cup of tea and sharing them with friends and family, I think embraces the spirit of Yule too.  

On the 23rd my friend and I had a day off, so I decided to celebrate Yule “officially” on the 23rd. I didn’t want to do anything complicated or above my current skill level, so I decided to go hiking with my friend in the countryside. Nothing special really, but spending time outdoors I think is always a good way to celebrate any occasion. It was a beautiful day and at the start of the hike we found a small orange grove, the fruit bright and ripe.  I found that oranges are often associated with happiness, prosperity, good luck and good health - a fine way to start the day.  

When we got to our second stop, we found a small Baroque chapel. It was closed, but one of the windows on the side was open for devotees to make offerings on the window sill. Apart from a small unlit candle and a few prayer cards, there was a small bunch of white narcissus flowers. I later did some research and found that narcissus flowers are associated with renewal and rebirth. At the end of the walk, we found a natural sinkhole which is a nature reserve. We stopped to have some lunch and slowly started making our way back. 

In the end, a little hiking was a great way to celebrate Yule. Appreciating the beauty of nature, feeling the warmth of the sun and spending time with a friend is a humble yet wonderful way to spend Yuletide. This is a time to celebrate the start of slowly returning warmer days and blooming nature 

Happy Yule! 

Entry: 001

// Literature & Film //

Book: Call Me By Your Name

Author: André Aciman

Year: 2007

Movie: Call Me By Your Name

Director: Luca Guadagnino

Year: 2017

———

The film “Call Me By Your Name” caused ripples when it came out; that I remember, but was hesitant to see the movie, primarily because it was an area of love that I have never dabbled in, hence, there was no interest on my side to see it. But after being a fond spectator of Timothée Chalamet’s works (and the way he pleaded on Jimmy Fallon to watch the movie), I decided to go see it. And upon watching it, I believe it’s probably one of the best love stories to be ever brought to life on film.

Elio and Oliver.

It was a love story about Elio and Oliver.

And I have been crying for three days now upon finishing the book.

SOULMATES & PARALLEL LIVES

“We had the stars, you and I. And this is given once only.”

And by calling each other by their names, it meant that they were one and the same. You are me and I am you. Parce que c’etait lui, parce que c’etoit moi.

The greatest love stories are the ones that are most tragic. Maybe because pain only makes it more hopeful — or perhaps, more humane and divine at the same time.

The concept of parallel lives in the story deeply touched me. It is not always with our soulmates that we end up with, but somewhere, in a parallel universe, our love story can continue with them. Maybe the author wrote it to give a sense of hope. If you think about it, how many people has sacrificed their feelings because life tends to get in the way? Being with the one you choose isn’t necessarily the easiest path to take. That is why when we see someone getting married and we see their love, we congratulate them and we cry at weddings. Because those are rare. And very few get the chance to experience them.

The sting of young love is never easy to heal or to mend. In Elio’s mind, who was he, a teenage boy in Italy, have nothing to offer him, have nothing to give him, and there’s nothing he can do about it. Oliver had a life of his own before meeting him and would continue to live on once summer is over. He was an accomplished man with a career, can he turn his back on all of that because he fell in love with a young man during the summer? Life is not just black and white, choices are not easy to make, and mayhaps, there are cases when love is not the remedy.

ELIO & OLIVER

One of my favorite aspect of the story was how stark the contrast was between Elio and Oliver in handling heartbreak and lost love. Elio loved a certain version of Oliver, the one he first met somewhere in Italy, the first man he ever loved, the one whom he sought so hard for when he was seventeen. He tried so hard to preserve that Oliver, and he was not willing to taint it with reality. He held on to it throughout the years, maybe because he felt that it was the only way to allow their love to live on, or perhaps he felt marooned by him when he left that summer. He did not try to reach him when they fell out of touch. That is why in the book, he describes themselves as much as “unreal and spectral” because it seemed so far away, and so hopeless.

“Over the years I'd lodged him in the permanent past, my pluperfect lover, put him on ice, stuffed him with memories and mothballs like a hunted ornament confabulating with the ghost of all my evenings. I'd dust him off from time to time and then put him back on the mantelpiece. He no longer belonged to earth or to life. All I was likely to discover at this point wasn't just how distant were the paths we'd taken, it was the measure of loss that was going to strike me--a loss I didn't mind thinking about in abstract terms but which would hurt when stared at in the face, the way nostalgia hurts long after we've stopped thinking of things we lost and may never have cared for.”

On the other hand, Oliver continued on loving Elio even after that summer. When Elio visited him fifteen years later, he was surprised on how much Oliver kept track of his career. He kept the postcard from his bedroom in the office for everyone to see. He invited him to meet his family. He tried to incorporate his own Elio to the “real life” he has now. In the movie, it was said by Oliver:

“The meaning of the river flowing is not that all things are changing so that we cannot encounter them twice, but that some things stay the same only by changing.”

He can only continue to love him if he accepted all the changes that come along in their lives. He’d rather have a piece of Elio in him than none at all. He did not preserve him the way that Elio did with him, he tried to integrate him into his current now. The continuation of their lives apart was not because they must not meet again, but because their love can only grow through that way.

They never said the three cursed words in the book. It was Oliver who spoke of it in the most beautiful way in the end, while they were having dinner fifteen years later; and it was this line that made me sob like a lunatic.

“Cor cordium. Heart of hearts. I’ve never said anything truer to anyone in my life.”

It ripped my heart into pieces. It was the unveiling of the very fact that Oliver never forgot, he always carried Elio in his life throughout the years, because he did not just love him, he was his heart of hearts. In the book he says, “Whatever happens between us, Elio, I just want you to know. Don’t ever say you didn’t know.” Oliver’s character came off as dismissive and aloof which drove Elio towards him and made him ballistic at the same time. And when he finally says that to him, fifteen years later, all of Elio’s uncertainties and anxieties of what he meant to Oliver were washed away. It was then he knew. It was then he knew it was always true - and is continuing to be true. Oliver may have his own life now, he may love his wife, he may love his kids, but his love for Elio transcends all, even if they may be apart.

I think I’m more of an Elio than an Oliver. Because I’m young, petty and immature - just kidding / or not. Don’t judge Elio too harshly please, he was young and naive (and full of raging hormones during the summer).

FILM SENTIMENTS

I absolutely loved the movie. Timothée Chalamet is the greatest actor of his generation and his performance in this film deserved him his Oscar nomination. He did a lot of improv while filming which made the scenes look more fluid and natural. So much talent. Armie Hammer was the perfect person to be the movie star “Ulliva”. There was undeniable chemistry between the two of them. Luca did such a wonderful job as well, the film came out as beautiful, romantic and artistic that showed a love so endearing that I was not able to move on from watching it for about a month (last time I felt this was with “Titanic”). James Ivory, the screenwriter, deserved his Academy Award for this; you’re never too old to reach your dreams indeed.

No matter what happens, we will always have that summer in northern Italy.

————

Zwischen Immer und Nie.

Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/album/7K0x1O9gqMQlDwbMkyCCIM?si=2TDMTF8XRIKHq_lUc-mXqQ

welcome to my alter ego.

this is where i talk my shit, cry a little, heal a lot, and document the chaos of starting over.

i'm rebranded this blog as a space for me to truly be myself. uncut, unfiltered, and way more honest than i get to be in real life.

i'm 20, in university, and currently deep in my "wtf is going on with me" era. i'm trying to figure out who i am. i've spent so long feeling disconnected from myself, my creativity and from life.

so this is me, rebranding. not just the blog, but my mindset too.

for those of you who followed me during my fandom era, this is not that blog anymore. if you choose to stay, i'm grateful. if not, i get it, we move.

what you can expect on here:?

late - night thoughts that probably should've stayed in my journal

personal rants that double as therapy

healing girl rambles

aesthetic photo dumps

maybe some poetry

snippets of my real life, what i'm feeling and what i’m obsessing over

plus a whole lot of yapping

a few random things about me:

i love R&B. Drake and Partynextdoor are my top 2, forever and always. i can't name all my favourite songs cause their are way too many but here are a few: Wednesday Night Interlude, Members Only, Somebody Loves Me, When He's Gone, Look What You've Done, For Certain and Only U.

my favourite lyric at the moment is "i didn't come this far just to come this far and not be happy" - Search & Rescue - Drake

i don’t have one favorite book because every new one becomes my favorite, but my childhood heart belongs to Percy Jackson, and i’m currently reading the Zodiac Academy series (10/10 recommend). my comfort show is the Walking Dead which says a lot about where my nervous system is at.

this is my soft reset. my digital rebirth. my lil corner of the internet to just be. welcome, or welcome back. either way, she’s yapping now.

-Star